I am really FED UP with parenting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
I am really FED UP with parenting!
18
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 9:10pm

Hi Everyone,

I am so sick and tired of trying to parent/discipline my son, who is 5 and has Asperger's, ADHD and is strong willed. I have a NT 7 year old DD. NOTHING WORKS with my ds.

I am probably just overtired and overwhelmed with DH out of town for a week on business, but I hate everything being a constant struggle and battle. I am sick of it. We feel as though nothing really works. I am tired of working so hard and not getting any kind of CONSISTENT results. I want to cry. I see mothers at the library or around town and want to say, "I used to be that type of mother too." Now I am the stressed out, frazzled mother with the edge to her voice. And I know you all think he behaves badly because we don't parent him, but believe me that isn't the case. We probably work 5x harder than you do."

Every outing or event is stressful and challenging. Nothing is ever relaxing. We still manage to do a lot as a family....go minigolfing, to the beach, bowling, playground, boating, etc. But it is never easy. Never. I do go out with my girlfriend once a week and my husband and I spell each other but this is so HARD and the cumulative effect of has me really worn down.

Did I mention we are starting kindergarten in the fall? Total stress. We do have a good plan though it breaks my heart. We are starting him in special ed and he will transition as he is able to regular ed. He will have an aide in place.

We have an appt. with the pediatrician on 7/18 and I am going to inquire about some meds for ds. I have to do it at age 5 but he is dominating the whole family dynamic. Maybe they can help with the hyperactivity/impulse control issues. Does anyone else use meds with their child successfully? Did anyone start at age 5 or so?

Chrissy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 9:52pm

I'm nearly where you are. DD is 5 and starting Kindergarten in the fall. She's not formally diagnosed, but of the diagnosis that have been thrown at her, it's the only one that seems to stick. We've been doing case management and therapy since January of 06. We started medications in April of 06 when she was still 4. We've been through several different meds and diagnosis. We started with ODD, then to mood disorder, then to some sleep disorders, then to ADHD. We started with clonadine, then to Tenex, then to risperdal with Tenex, then to adderall with Tenex, now to Abilify. The clonadine calmed her down, but she rebounded when it wore off quickly. The tenex lasted longer and helped her sleep. The risperdal helped with the aggression, but "fizzled" out after about 6 months. The Adderall made the obsession and aggression worse. Haven't started the Abilify yet, but dr. says it will do what the Risperdal did, with less chance of "fizzling" out.

I'm trying to offer some words of encouragement, but I don't have any today (see the message I posted today for why.) I can say tomorrow is a new day, with new opporunities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 10:11pm

((((Chrissy))))))

I have absolute;y been where you are right now. Ds is now 7 and at age 5 (just prior to kindy) I thought I would put my head through glass. Liam is also dx ASD/adhd/mood disorder-nos. At age 5 every family outing was like being dragged naked through broken glass. I only wish we could have started ds in spec ed for kindy; reg ed was horrible, stressful, humiliating and exhausting, (he was absent more than he was present to be honest).

Fot us though there was light at the end of the tunnel; we moved got good supports and something happened between age 5 and 7. Lately he is a joy to be around (still Aspie Liam, but more flexible, kwim?). Hugs to you, make sure the school is supportive:)

Dee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 11:11pm

(((Chrissy!!)))

Oh hon! I know EXACTLY how you feel!!! My ds is 5 and is starting kindy in the fall too. He is on Tenex for his tantrums and it is working beautifully. So far that is. BUT...he IS still very strong willed, and hyper. His dx is PDD-NOS/ADHD. He was dx'd with ADHD at age 3(yes THREE). We have discovered that there are some things that help a little when we go out to do things. Maybe some of them will help you too. First, we use a PICTURE schedule to plan the day out. When my ds SEES what he is going to be doing and which order it is going in, he feels more comfortable and secure. Try to get into some kind of routine during the summer and if you find this picture schedule works, TELL THE SCHOOL!!! They should have resources to make a picture schedule for him! Another thing that helps is explaining verbally EXACTLY what is going to happen before it happens. If you think that maybe he is a little hyper, then maybe try taking him to the park for an hour or so every day and let him run it off. I know its easier said than done...believe me I know! But he may just need a way to burn a little extra energy off. I hope this helps ya! Hugs to you and your ds!
Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2001
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 10:20am
((((((((((Chrissy)))))))))))))

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 1:36pm
Holy Cow! I can't believe how many medications you have had to try. DS won't take medicine, so I am praying to God they have a granular form of one, as they do for his asthma med, Singulair.
CHrissy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 1:41pm

Dee,

That is so interesting to me, that you wish you could have started in special ed. I am struggling currently with my son's placement. He is bright and they have given him an aide. Therefore, I wonder if he could do ok in reg. ed. But I am not sure he has the overall compliance.

It is encouraging to hear that Liam has improved so much. I love my son so much and has come a long way, but I am feeling worn out. HIs Asperger's / ADHD diagnosis isn't formalized yet, but I think it is just a matter of time.

I feel so bad about resorting to medication.
Chrissy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 1:43pm

Thank you for the advice Jen. I already do the basic stuff, like priming DS for our daily schedule and working in physical activity (lots of swimming) every day. It is just so discouraging because I see little progress in the area of compliance.

What will your son't kindergarten placement be?
Chrissy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 1:47pm
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think the whole entering kindergarten thing is extremely stressful! What will Bobby's placement be? Will it be regular ed? It is encouraging to know the ritalin helped. I am really distressed about the special ed placement. Hence, the emphasis on transistioning out. They already have chosen a reg. ed. teacher for him, too.
Chrissy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 3:01pm

(((Chrissy)))

Don't feel bad. Most all of us have BTDT. I am a teacher & would look forward to my summers off W/DS & DD. I remember summers when I couldn't wait for school to start so I could get some time away from him. I felt horrible about feeling that way. My DS is almost 7 yo & is dx w/AS, ADHD, OCD/Anxiety. He is our first so we didn't know what an NT child was like & pretty much always felt like we were failures, doing something wrong, not measuring up to other parents. We realized the advice we got from others didn't work, yet they kept insisting. We knew DS was different & typical parenting techniques did not work. The biggest hurdle was realizing that DS wasn't trying to be bad or push our buttons & finding different ways of dealing with him. Still & constantly working on that one!

I think it is great that you & many other moms here had their children diagnosed before entering school. As a teacher it is very important for us to know the special needs of the students we teach. It is obviously also very important for our DC to get their needs met in order to be successful in their education & not have a bad start. My DS was not dx until 1st grade & went through kindy & 1/2 of 1st with much difficulty making friends, being distracted, & behaving appropriately. In kindy he used to hit students when they did not adhere to the teacher's rules. In 1st grade we had countless mtgs w/teacher & Asst. Principal. I have numerous discipline referrals in the binder I keep for DS. I teach 6th grade & see how many students I have dx w/ADHD & some whose parents do nothing about it or who have no clue that there is anything they can do. As far as medication, I also felt bad putting my son on meds, but know what the alternative is. Over the years I have had numerous students who get no treatment for their disorders. I have seen students taken off their ADHD meds & they fall apart in the classroom. School is such a struggle for them & all those around them. In DS's case he was aggressive & the meds he's on now help him keep that under control. We started meds this year at age 6 1/2. We tried Zoloft which worked great for his OCD/Anxiety but caused him to be more hyper, less focused & more aggressive. He then got off that & started Metadate CD (like Ritalin) which has worked wonders. He is much more focused, attentive, controlled, less aggressive. He also started Straterra & we are not sure about it. There have been some gradually changes we have noticed since about 6 wks after it kicked in which seems like it is negating some of the good the Metadate does. All meds react differently w/ each person though. It is all trial & error. As far as dx, I had 2 students with tics - one was dx w/AS & another OCD. The boy w/OCD I wouldn't have had a clue had it not been for his mom who told us how he holds himself together at school & seem "normal" w/the other kids & let loose when he got home & the fact that he once told me he could help organize my desk really good because he had OCD when I asked for help. The AS boy told me that he has been through numerous dx & it was still changing, even in 5th grade. However, I don't know when he was first dx or the history of doctors or when they found the right one. Many of us have BTDT.

I wish you all the best in this process w/DS starting kindy. You're doing great you just got to hang in there. As someone said earlier in this post. Tomorrow is another day!

Janet

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2007
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 3:22pm
Sorry, I used my old user name. I am no longer a new mommy! LOL!

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