"I can't do THAT because it isn't FUN!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
"I can't do THAT because it isn't FUN!"
9
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 2:12pm

I wasn't sure what emoticon to use.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006

Hi Evelyn,
I know exactly how you feel, its nearly impossible to get my kids to help out. My oldest I was able to successfully get her to do chores and house cleaning on saturdays, but she didn't have the same problems as my younger boys do.

I can get Chris to clean out the dishwasher, take out the trash, and even pick up stuff sometimes, but there's bad days too. One thing I have done with him to get him to do even these small things is that I have noticed I always have to start out doing these things with him, and slowly back off to were he's doing it by himself. Its kinda a slow process, but it works. Now consistantly? No its not, but I figure I will just keep on trucking along and realize that its gonna take along time to start a habit with him. It is a habit and they take time to implemnent.

And you know even though these things are important structure for our kiddos, I don't think its the end of the world if it doesn't come out the way we want it too. My husband has always been a slob and he turned out okay lololol.

Nicholas I still have some work to do with him, but I will eventually. He will help and pick up army men at times, but like Chris, its a crap shoot and sometimes I get cooperation, and sometimes I don't. But I did have to jump start it by doing it with them.

Maybe those little steps can help you. And if not, then at least I can say I completley understand!

Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006

I can completely relate.

- Christina mom to-

Chloe (10)    Aiden(8)   

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003

You've described my kids and dh exactly! Long before we knew they had AS, I began (oh-so-lovingly, of course!) beating dh or the kids to the punchline "but that's not FUN!"

They also "played" with toys/crafts the same way. They'd always pull EVERY toy off the shelf and throw it around, but they'd never interact with the toys. They just had to scatter them around. It drove me NUTS. We used to have the medium sized Legos, but they almost NEVER got used appropriately, so I finally got rid of them since I was sick and tired of the kids never using them for anything except as a ground covering. I can't even imagine having all those itty-bitty Legos lying around the house.

My kids have assigned chores, but getting them to do them is a chore in and of itself. NT ds is so much more capable that I know I could ask him to do double what he's assigned, but it seems so unfair to him to have to do more than the others. He already has the hardest chore. None of the chores ever gets done properly, but right now I'm just working towards getting them to believe they have some measure of responsibility and to work on their assignments semi-regularly. 12yo Dd is supposed to pick up, sweep & mop the kitchen floor. She goes through the motions, but doesn't even notice that she hasn't done it properly. There's always stuff left on the floor, but I think she honestly doesn't see it (napkins, food, jacket, etc). She gets very frustrated when I call her back to do it again because she ALREADY DID IT! Dh is actually the same way. After he "helped" mop one time, and I commented that it was still dirty (obvious spills), he said, "oh, that stuff was stuck on." He completely didn't grasp that that's exactly why he's supposed to clean it up and that you're supposed to do more than casually rub the mop over the stuff.

8yo ds is supposed to clear the table and clean up the hall bathroom. He actually does semi-good at those chores, tho' like his father/sister, he goes through the motions in wiping up spills on the table, so it never gets clean.

I'd like to think that if I were more diligent in patiently teaching the kids or with enough years, my kids/dh would eventually "get it," but I'm starting to lose confidence that that's true. I hope someone else can provide better hope! At least you're not in any way alone in this frustration!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003

Yes.


I have high hopes for the checklist, the thing is that the basis of the behavior plan we are implementing is this: work before fun.


That means do the stuff on the checklist before playtime.


So what if he doesn't do the things on the checklist?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
I can totally relate to this. I've explained to my son many times that in life there are "want to do's" and "have to do's". I'm chuckling about this becase a few weeks ago he was talking on the phone with a girl from his class when I told him he had to say goodbye so that we could go to swimming lessons. She must have asked him why he had to go to swimming lessons because I heard him say "I guess it's one of those have to do's!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003

You are SO not alone in this. I've been agonizing over this myself. My ds hates checklists, sticker charts etc. because it means he has to do stuff. The incentive, no matter what it is, is never enough to get him to do chores or whatever it is I'm wanting him to do. He is very resistant to anything not fun, which is chores, school etc. I keep trying, but its a struggle to get him to do anything. He is like this at school at well. He will complain and complain. Sorry I wasn't much help here, but I can definitely relate.

Jen

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004

Dear Evelyn,

I often identify with your struggles. I can't get my kindergartener to go get his own socks, let alone put them on. My two year old has taught me that washing hair once every week or two, and never brushing it really doesn't harm anybody.

Those checklists are a good idea, and I think I will adopt them, but in my house the chores would be more along the lines of putting the coat and back-pack on the hook instead of dropping them on the stoop on the way in.

I can get the kindergartener to vacuum with a dust-buster type thing but he really likes to do it to torture his brother with the sound. (And possibly test his own senses with it.) He also will spend a lot of time "cleaning" a floor, but what he is really doing is enjoying the asthetic of having the whole thing evenly shiny, and watching his sponge create shiny streaks.

-Sidney

APOV on Autism
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005

I just went through this (again) with my 7yo. Eva was offering her patent complaint over picking up after herself. "But, I Don't WANT to that! I WANT to go outside!"

Sometimes ya just gotta put your foot down and be the bad guy. They get rewards for doing the right thing, but they also get punished for not doing it too. If they refuse to pick up after themselves they simply don't get to do anything at all until they've finished the task in question. Not even sit. I stand over their shoulder until it's finished. If I think it's too complicated for them (like cleaning thier rooms when they're particulary messy) I'll either break it up into smaller tasks with breaks between, or work along side them to show them how to do it. But even when I help they still have to do thier share of the work.

We're spring cleaning this week, so I'm hearing a LOT of "But, I don't WANT to!"

Of course, I've also found that this helps: When my girls throw too much of a tantrum over picking up after themselves or doing a regular chore, I tell them that when they do that they are leaving it for me to do on top of my regular chores. And while this one little thing doesn't seem like much extra, it builds up quick. I point out two things. One is that I ask them "How would YOU like it if YOU got stuck with all the work? Because that's what you're trying to do to me." And second, I point out that if I'm busy doing their chores how can I do mine? Like cook, do laundry, etc?" I once made a big deal out of letting them just go do what they WANTED to do and when they came back and asked "What's for dinner?" I just shrugged and said "I don't know. I don't have time to cook dinner today. I'm busy doing your chores." And I didn't cook either! The fridge was fully stocked so I let them fend for themselves (hot dogs are a marvelous invention). It was two weeks before I heard "But, I don't WANT to!" again.

~Candes

APOV on Autism

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006

I have been thinking alot about this over the last two days since I was working and out of the house. I can get chris to clean out the dishwasher etc, but I think at least doing a chart will help alot. Doing it consistantly on certain days instead of just when I ask him.

I think it will help organize me too as I tend to not look at the whole room that needs to be picked up, but I pick things that take me all day to do. (like all of the windows in the house, it doesn't help with the family room being completely picked up, vacummed, dusting and windows done.)

I will admit, I am the worst person when it comes to completion of a project, or a chore. I tend to wander away and not complete what I set out to do. I end up getting distracted and doing a chore but a different one, so the whole thing doesn't finish like its supposed to be. Fine example huh!???! lol

I think I will at least attempt to start a chart and do baby steps to get to our goal. I know when my dd helped with the housework it was so much easier for me to keep up. Well she's now 20 and out of the house, so pooh lol.

I think in my case, and your case Evelyn, it will take baby steps. Start with something little, that you/we can help with, back off slowely and start a chart with one thing. Then as time goes along start another thing. I am thinking I can at least get my kids to swoosh comet in the toilet, and maybe put a few things away on the counter in the bathroom. I remember with my dd at 9, was to just put things away on the bathroom counter, and I would clean the countertops and the sink. She could manage this, as I was too uncomfortable with her using cleaning products just yet. I eventually got her to use them as she was older, but it was like baby steps.

Anyway, I tell ya, I have a big house, and I could use all the help I can get. Having a smaller house we had less stuff to manage it seems, and it felt easier to do. I miss my smaller house, I really do.

Lainie