"I don't love myself" at age 3.5

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
"I don't love myself" at age 3.5
6
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 9:44pm

Today my Eric told me "I don't love myself" and I guess I now feel the same way about myself too. Although I do tons of research and try really hard,I seem to always have the wrong intial instinct with Eric. DH does better, without ever cracking a book and I have no idea why. I try so hard to be a good mom, but it is never good enough.

Today seemed like a mountain out of a molehill. Eric needs a new car seat. For a week we've been talking about it, looking at pics of new ones. He seemed excited. Today was the day we were to shop, as DH would be available to help. When the time came, Eric didn't want to go. Wanted to stay home and "play." We told him after the one trip, he could play all day.

No go. Took him screaming to the car. Silent treatment all the way to Target. We got there and DH put Eric in the big part of the cart. I usually corral Eric in the kiddie seat, but ok, we were only looking for one thing, I let it go. Although I had read consumer reports and had an idea of the 3 I wanted to check out, I still needed to look at them, read the specs etc. So I told DH to "entertain" Eric. HAH!

He took him out of the cart and next thing I know Eric is on top of a display shelf of strollers and pac and plays, climbing in them. Heeellllooo!! DH! Where are youuuu! This caused another little girl to go climbing, her mom told her to stop and guess what, she did stop. Nevertheless, that kid's mom yells at me. DH, where are youuu??. DH appears, he was looking at shoes for Eric. Ok, take Eric and get shoes. Next thing I know, I look up and Eric is pushing a shopping cart of empty boxes about to hit DH, who is crouched checking out sizes. "DH LOOK OUT"!!! Is DH clueless!!!!

I get mad and say we should just leave. DH says I should just calm down. I say put Eric back in the cart, but that is like putting the genie back in the bottle. Eric starts stripping and throwing off his clothes. He has NEVER EVER done this with me before. He LIKES Target, usually. I think he is acting out bc DH is there and a pushover. DH thinks it's just an ASD thing, makes excuses. Often it is, perhaps the level of behaviour is, but the cause, this time, I don't think so.

I tell them both I am VERY DISAPPOINTED and that we need to leave. I didn't scream, or hit, (I never do!) just give the look and say I am VERY DISPPOINTED.

In the car, DH senses my annoyance and tells DS, "I am very disappointed." Which DH has never said, as far as I recall. Silent treatment from both. We get home. DS runs up to his room hides under the covers and tells me to shut the door and leave him alone. First time ever for this. Then he cries his eyes out and screams for over an hour. Intermittently I come in and am told to leave, politely, "please." I do. DH does not take no for an answer. DH asks Eric to talk about it. Eric can't. Asks Eric to hug. He won't. Asks Eric if he is worried we don't love him even if we are disappointed. He says no, "I think you love me, but I don't love myself." Then hysterical tears again. This does not seems normal for an almost 4 yr. old. It has never happened before. Does he even have that level of comprehension? And if he does, I have NO CLUE what to do for discipline now?!

All this kills me. I had wanted Eric to realize there are consequences for his actions, but it seems the smallest amount of annoyance from me and DH now sends him into depression. After 2 hours in his room, with occassional visits from us, he did snap out of it. Although I can't say why. It doesn't seem like he wanted "attention" in fact, the opposite. He knew we were upset and his reaction was to withdraw.

I'm rambling and not making sense, I guess. So many issues. DH is a great Dad but very permissive and we disagree a lot. A problem, not Eric's fault. Then, I don't want Eric to have low self-esteem already (as I do afer 30 years!) and wonder if he's picking up on DH and me and our disagreements over him? I know he takes in more than we know.

Aaargghh. I am not a happy camper tonight. Although now, hours later, Eric and DH seem happy as can be, but I am still obsessing.

Only the dog understands me!

Katherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 10:31pm

Katherine

That is so frustrating and sad. I don't know Eric personally but I know my kids wouldn't have really understood that completely at age 3.5. Heck I know Cait wouldn't have said something like that cause I don't think she was even near that level of understanding at all. SO in that way, you can say he is doing really well. And it breaks your heart I know, but he actually understood that you all were upset with him, etc. That is actually good. My kids still rarely realize that we are upset with them and that is even if we actually say it. Even if he is upset at the time and angry with himself, being a 3.5 year old he will likely forget soon enough. Kids do. It's in their make up.

If he understands you are upset and doesn't like it and gets upset himself that will give him intrinsic motivation to want to please you. He may not always realize when he does upset you but the fact that it does affect him shows some good promise. That will work well for those social stories "it makes mommy happy...."

My Emily is sensitive like that. SO is my autistic nephew in a different way. I have to be more careful with Emily when I am correcting her. She takes it much more personally. N gets upset as well and needs lots of reassurance but typically he tries not to do the things that mom doesn't like.

I told Cait's therapist that I can count the 2 times in her life that she has actually been sad when I was angry with her. One this year and once probably 2 years ago. Otherwise it doesn't seem to affect her and honestly that is infuriating. It doesn't affect either of them much. I could be crying or upset and they will still walk up and want me to fix them a snack or want some other thing from me or continue to behave badly.

They will be upset if they lose priveledges but they are rarely if ever upset because they have disappointed us or we were upset. They have little to no concept of that.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 11:00pm
Katherine,
((((HUGS))))
It's hard being the one who always has to discipline the kids and in our house it's me too. I always thought I would be the pushover and DH would be the stern one but I was wrong!It's funny something you said reminded me of Jake. When I correct him he dosen't seem phased but the odd time DH corrects him it's a major meltdown with screaming and crying. Maybe the fact your DH corrected him was the thing that got him so upset.Don't feel so bad about it we all have those days and I'm sure Eric has already forgotten about it. I just said last week to DH that I can't wait for the day that I can actually shop in peace again. I hate going shopping with the kids. Jake refuses to go in the cart now and Ella is whinning after about 5 minutes for me to carry her. I can never think straight about what I'm getting and usually end up leaving without the thing I came for in the first place(LOL).
Teresa
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 11:12pm

Hi Katherine,

My son has low self esteem also and he is 4. I don't know where it comes from because all of us here always praise him when he does an "unpreferred" task, and even if he does a "preferred" task. I know alot of Matt's issues comes from his opposite fascination. Some days everything I say he says the opposite. But, from what I understand ASD kids have low self esteem issues, and I believe it is from their inability to understand emotions and feelings. Do you have a physician that diagnosed Eric? If this type of behavior continues I would definitely call the dr. and ask what you can do about it or who you can go and see about it.

As for your DH..I have one like that too. Communication is the key to any relationship and it definitely the key to a marriage with a ASD child involved. Because you are the primary care giver and DH is a occasional participant (I mean this in a good way). When you notice something about Eric's behavior and how to correct the problem or you find a new way to handle a situation..you should inform your husband at the earliest possible time..have a little discussion and tell him about the event and how Eric was and how you dealt with it, how Eric reacted. It's key to keep them tuned in to the events of the day...good and bad. As you are aware, ASD kids like structure...if parenting and discipline are kept consistent it will be easier for everyone involved. As for the Target trip..same concept. Because you and Eric are the primary participants, you know how to handle him, where he sits. Always fill hubby in on the procedure before making a family trip if it isn't a normal occurence. That way everyone follows the same structure amd everyone is happy.

Keep your head up. Dad's for some reason don't need to read textbooks..I think it's better if they don't. They have a natural ability to act like a child, so they can relate to the kids. So, if you are having trouble instilling in Eric a particular rule you want him to follow or behavior you want modified, and you have tried everything..talk to hubby, have him talk to Eric about it...I find in this house it works....40% of the time..which is pretty darn good in my book. Mom's are natural born worriers..the reason we worry..because we want what's best for our kids. This of course involves reading everything we can to try and understand our children. The key to our kids...knowledge. If we can inform ourselves about this disorder than we are in a good place to help them, at home, in school, and in making decisions regarding their care. Don't over analyze your parenting job. You are blessed with an angel...a challenging one..but you know he is loved and cared for, whether he understands it..it doesn't make a big difference. One day he will..know he loves you unconditionally as you do him.

I'm sure you are doing a fabulous job. Each day is a new adventure..some are better than others.

Carol

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 6:40am

You all made me feel much better. You always do! Thank you very much.

DH and I do need to work on our consistency. I know that is part of the problem and I do think DH's reaction was partly the reason Eric got so upset. Carol, I like what you said about Dads having that "Inner child" quality! That made me smile and made me feel better too.

Thanks to all of you again. I don't know what I'd do without this group!

Katherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 2:04pm

CJ started to tell me tht he didn't love himself, not at 3.5, he was about 5 years old. We'd sit down when he was calm and tell him that we will ALWAYS love him, it was the behavior that was not acceptable.

I'd say, "I love you so very much but I don't like it when you do . I will always love you and everything about you but I don't have to like what you did."

Now, at 9, he'll only occasionally say that he doesn't like himself. We'll sit on his bed and talk about what he doesn't like. More often than not, it is something he did earlier in the day that he isn't happy about.

We are still trying to help him figure out the difference between who he is and what he does.

I can't tell him that he is my favorite little boy, as I have 2 boys, but I do tell hime, almost every day, that he is my favorite CJ in the whole wide world. He laughs and says he is my only CJ. I agree with him, but out of all the CJs in the whole wide world, he is the one that God thought perfect for our family and that he is my favorite.

I hope this doesn't sound too silly, but I have found, at least with my kiddo, that this has really helped with his self-esteem.

HTH

Crystal

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 3:48pm

Hi Crystal,

It's not silly at all, I think it is beautiful! We do tell Eric we love him all the time and I was actually thinking of doing today exactly what you said. He's a complex little guy and I can see we need to do more talking about things when the moment is right.

I just didn't think the self-esteem issue would start so early.

Katherine