"I just don't see it" --the in-laws
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"I just don't see it" --the in-laws
| Tue, 03-25-2008 - 2:35pm |
So my in-laws (FIL and SIL) were here for Easter.
| Tue, 03-25-2008 - 2:35pm |
So my in-laws (FIL and SIL) were here for Easter.
I don't post here all that often. My name is Jayme, and my oldest of three, Johnathan has Aspergers. He's 7. I'm not sure what you're experience with your in-laws is all because they don't see it, but rather because they don't live with him and aren't around it all the time, and therefore, don't think about it. My in-laws and my own family do this all the time. And they are all very aware that Johnathan has Aspergers. But because they aren't around it on a daily basis, they don't think about it when planning family events. At our extended family Christmas party this last year, my cousins had put together a game for the kids to throw balls through a target to win a prize. They had tape on the floor indicating where the kids should stand according to age. Johnny is no longer in the little kid stage, and so according to age, he was supposed to stand back further. But I knew that his motor skills when it comes to throwing a ball, are more like his 4 year old brother's. I requested to have my cousins let him stand closer to make it more fair to him. I know that if I hadn't done that, they would have sent him back to where the older kids were standing because they just don't think about it like that. They aren't around it all the time and they forget, kwim? Even my mom, who is generally the best of all of our extended family about remembering the details that come with an ASD has forgotten from time to time. A nearby city decorates their city park every winter for Christmas, and call it Christmas Village. We go every year, but we always try to go on a week night and not on opening night, because the crowds are down. I don't like the crowds much myself, but they really bother Johnny. A couple of years ago, my mom decided that for her birthday (late November, right around, and sometimes on Thanksgiving), she wanted us all to go to Christmas Village together, so she could take her grandkids. I even reminded her several times -- don't plan it for opening night. Well, it ended up being opening night. I haven't seen a crowd that big in a long, long time, and it was absolutely painful to Johnathan. My poor mom felt horrible, and Johnny and I ended up spending most of the evening in the car waiting for everyone else. I know my mom sees the Asperger's in Johnny, and she has always tried to be as helpful and supportive as she can, but even she forgot that one night, because like I said, she doesn't live with him, and isn't around it on a daily basis, and when you aren't around it like that you kind of forget. I have a nephew, who I love dearly, who has Cystic Fibrosis. He's 5, and is so sweet, and we've always been supportive and tried to help my brother and his family in anyway I can. But when he comes over for a visit with my kids, I still forget that he has to take his enzyme before he eats, because I'm not around him all the time, and when I look at him, I don't see Cystic Fibrosis. I just see Cameron.
Anyway, I understand completely how frustrating it is. You have my empathy, that is for sure. Sometimes I will volunteer to be the one to make arrangements for such things because then I know that Johnny's needs won't be forgotten.
Yes. Totally understand. Look at it this was when I read it I was thinking "OH THANK GOD she got away with only a 10 minute meltdown". I could just FEEL the meltdown coming. We have had a big rule for a while. NO SURPRISES allowed. The kids can't do surprises and it makes them more upset than anything else. And if you promise something ALWAYS make sure you can follow through.
I have a good friend who used to keep Cait overnight every so often. She "never saw" the meltdows and what I was talking about. One saturday she had planned on taking the girls to do a few things and one was taekwondo class. Well like 3 things happened that morning to throw off the schedule. It wasn't even things Cait was thrilled about. All of a sudden about 2 hours early she shows up with Cait on my door step. She had been screaming for 45 minutes and Heidi had "no idea what to do" and brought her back. All because the final straw was the class was cancelled. Cait didn't even like taekwondo. She was about 7 then. Heidi wasn't even one of those who questioned it but she was amazed. She never realized what it was like for us until that day.
Sometimes it felt like my inlaws did things specifically to set the kids off and then blame my parenting when they had a behavior problem. We would tell them and request certain things many time to have the inlaws do the opposite behind our backs. Then when the kids would loose it we would get some lecture about how we should let our kids behave like that. VERY frustrating.
Holidays are always hard. I hope things are better today.
Renee
Holidays are the worst. I'm sorry you had to deal w/ the build up to the "surprise" and the worse surprise of it not happening.
sometimes I am so thrilled that we live 900 miles away from family-- we have nice quiet holidays w/ just our immediate family no trauma no overwhelming crowds. However, I do understand the 'don't see it' or 'there is nothing wrong with him' now that he's 11, they're saying "what is wrong with him?" DUH, I've been saying for years, he's autistic, but they look at me and say "oh he's not autistic, it must be something else." It's DH's family. My family just accepts it and deals w/ it however works best.
Betsy
In my experience, most people that don't "see" it in Isaac don't know what they are looking for.
I understand completely!
that must have been hard work. I have tried to explain to family and friends til I am blue in the face that we cannot have 'surprises' and that we *must* check if things are open etc before we set out but they still don't 'get' it and I think sometimes it's a wierd control thing on their part. They don't 'get' it but even if they do know, or think they know, about Asperger's they think they know better than you and that you are either over-managing it or under-managing it or whatever....*sigh*
I used to get upset about this but I try not to let it get to me so much now -
I know just what you mean. My daughter was diagnosed with PDD-NOS about 6 wks ago...just before her 5th birthday. So for 5 years everyone (myself included) just put her behaviour down to just being Bridget. We all thought she was just misbehaving and being a "drama queen". Going out was a nightmare with everyone staring at us and wondering why I couldn't control my child. I sometimes think it would be easier if she had a physical disability that everyone could see then to try to explain autism to people. I had (and still do) alot of well meaning people say
I have trouble with my Dad because he's actually in the mental health field.