i need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
i need help
22
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 2:21pm

I do apologize for not being on for such a long time. I've been having issues at home and am in need of some help and advice.

On Sept 1st, I filed for divorce. Dh was becoming very possessive, controlling, and his anger and moodiness has not gotten better. His patience and understanding with the boys was still a problem as well. I was uncomfortable being around him, and uncomfortable with his unpredicatability and his sneaking around the house. I felt as though I was being watched all the time.

Anyway, my problem.....

I have been a SAHM since Nathan was born. He is now 7 and Tyler is 10. We have to sell the house, probably move into an apartment. The judge has granted me 1/2 of dh's monthly income. I am being told by my attorney, dh's attorney, and my therapist (who I have been seeing for about a month now)...that I need to get a job. HOW?? I have no one to take care of Nathan. True...I could put Tyler in an afterschool program, which they do offer at his school. But who do I get to take care of an autistic child? And actually be able to afford this type of care? And what about holidays, days off of school, and summer vacation?? School is draining for Nathan, he needs to have time after school ....quiet time. I don't know what to do. It would be ideal to get a job with the school district, that way I have the same days off as the boys do. But I need to know what other options I have, if this is not possible.

I could probably make it, financially, not working. But dh works off of commission, and there may be months I receive less money. I don't know what to do. The judge has also ordered that I am not allowed to speak to any males..other than the friendly "hi". Dh has painted a picture of me being an adulteress and having affairs with every man on the planet. My attorney has told me that the judge CAN do this. Unfortunately, I only have a couple of friends, who happen to be male. So I am lost right now, have no one to talk to. I don't see my therapist for a few days now.

I am extremely depressed right now and crying an awful lot. Filing for divorce was the best thing to do for me and boys...emotionally. But financially, I just want enough to get by.....and i'm just not sure I can manage this.

michelle

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 3:04pm

Hi Michelle,

I have been thinking and wondering about you and your family. My therapist told me the same thing last year, that I needed to do something for me and go back to work, but I couldn't put Mike in after care.

I ended up working part time for a friend as an OT aide and I work in the school districts. The friend is very understanding and flexible with any schedule changes I need so that I can work. I also am taking classes at night. Fortunately I have been using mom and Dh but for next year I will likely use respite at least for part of that.

My thought on a job would be to get something in the district even if it is as an aide in a school. HOnest, the schools are desperate for Aides and you should have no problem getting a job even just part time. I would also look into respite type care for Nathan for when you do need someone to watch him when he isn't in school. I am not sure what is available in your state but you are going to need the break regardless.

Lastly, from what I recall nathan doesn't have aggressive or difficult behaviors. As such you may find you are actually able to put him in after care. I know here there are some boys and girls clubs which are inexpensive and actually HAVE inclusion programs for kids with special needs. That is one option for you.

Typically if it is a state program or they get any state moneys then they have to follow ADA laws and they do have to provide neccessary modifications for kids with special needs to attend as well. I know the after school program at our school had autistic kiddos there as well as the boys and girls club. I just haven't enrolled Mike due to his behavior outbursts.

Good luck and Big hugs.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 6:49pm

((((((((((Michelle)))))))),


I've been thinking about you a lot and kinda worried about you. Now I know why.


For afterschool /holiay care, we actually put our kids into

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 9:48pm

I'm so sorry that you're having such a tough time right now. I'm fairly new to the group, so you don't know me, but I still wanted to send lots of cyber hugs your way ((())). I think the advice you've gotten so far is great. A job with the school district sounds like the way to go. I hope that things look up for you soon!

Amy~Natalie & Lily's mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 12:17am
((((HUGS))))
Michelle,
I haven't been around much lately myself but I often wondered where you got to. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time right now. I don't have a any good advice I'm afraid but like Paula said come and unload here anytime.How are the boys taking it? Please keep us posted on you and the little guys!
Teresa
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 9:08am

Michelle,

(((((HUGS)))))

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Paula and Renee had some excellent suggestions about childcare and employment. I was going to suggest the same thing, check with other special needs parents for info on child care programs that might be suitable. Also, sometimes Ryan's therapists (OT, PT, Speech) have had ideas about providers that would be open to accepting a special needs kid. My ds started at a daycare at 3.5, before we had a diagnosis, at a center run by a Lutheran church. They were always open to working with him, in fact, once his services were in place, the therapists went to the center and did their thing there, so everyone was aware of his dx. He now goes to the summer camp program run by the same church but with different teachers/counselors.

Good luck, take care and know we're here for you!

Kate

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 9:22am
you can manage this. you and the boys will be better off. others have made suggestions about finances and work, may i suggest that you deal with custody. if it's joint custody you and the xh will have to make medical & school decisions together. is this something that you 2 will be able to do together? just something to think about. my best wishes to you during this difficult time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 11:50am

Your STBX sounds like my exh. We separated shortly after our son was born. In the last days that we lived together though, he was following my every move. Listenning to every phone conversation and breaking into my email account. And, I was as straight as an arrow. I had no male friends, had no female friends for that matter.

(((((HUGS))))) sharing custody with a person like that is not easy. My ex has not been supportive of our son's issues. I was awarded sole legal custody because of that.

I think looking for a job within your school district is an excellent idea. Someone else mentioned Avon. I have a friend who loves being a Pampered Chef consultant. She makes a lot of money doing that, but her personality lends itself to that sort of thing.

If you need childcare, look into the autism groups in your area. A support group in my area maintains a list of autism-friendly resources that includes everything, like recommended dentists, child care, etc.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 3:24pm

Thanks everyone!

As is stands right now, I do have sole custody of the boys. We have only had one court date as of yet, so we are still in the process of the divorce. Dh did ask for custody of the children, but he works excessive hours. I don't believe he will even try for joint, but we will see.

I've just been in a real deep depression, trying to figure out what I am going to do...as well as what to do first. As you all suggested, I am going to contact the autism society here and find out what is available for childcare. I am also going to look into the school district and see what the availability for employment is there as well.

I have been looking on ivillage....thanks paula for the link! And am also toying with the idea of working at home on the computer doing data entry type work. Although, this type of work is flexible and I wouldn't have to worry about childcare or summer vacations either......it doesn't have medical benefits for me. That seems to be the only downfall. The boys would be covered under dh for medical I'm sure, but eventually I'm sure I will be dropped from his medical plan when the divorce is final. The pay, I believe would be adequate, combined with the child support. As of now, I also receive spousal support too....I just don't know how long this will be in affect though.

The boys miss their dad. They do talk to him at least twice a day..sometimes more, on the phone. Tyler NT 10....cried some in the beginning, but has always understood that this is the best decision for us. He's a great kid, very mature for his age, and does agree that things are more relaxed now that dad is gone. Nathan 7 1/2 HFA....has not cried about his dad leaving. He does talk about how he misses him, but seems to be doing well. Dh has always worked long hours......so the boys daily routine has not been changed much. The biggest change will be moving out of our big home. We've only been here a year, and the boys are not happy about losing the house. We will have to downsize alot, and that will be a huge adjustment for all of us.

Thanks again for all of your suggestions and hugs. I will keep you all informed on what happens. And I am going to try and stick around more and try not to drift away again.

Thanks,
michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 3:33pm

I was in a similar position nearly 9 years ago.If I had to do it over again..
sole custody right from the start. we tried joint and he second guessed everything i did.
Your income was just cut by half.If your son has a disability you may be eligible for a section 8 or subsidized apartment. This would also make you eligible for discounts on telephone service, heat& electricity and school lunches. You may also be eligible for food stamps.I know you don't want to think about these things but now is the time to apply for them. If you wait you may not be eligible. What about medical? How will those services get paid. My xh is supposed to pay 80% of unpaid medical,sports,afterschool activities and tuiion. I have yet to see any of it.Ask how these cost will be shared and how payments will be made.

I did not know about these services and went without many things just so I could pay for the basics. Now if the services are available and you are eligible, I believe you should get them.

If his patience & understanding with the boys is still a problem - request supervised visits. Either a relative/friend accompanies children during the visit.There are places court operated that the parent is watched while the visitation takes place.
Your boys need you, you lawyer will need time with you,you will spend much time preparing for court,your stbxh may try to make mountains out of molehills in court, friends may not know which side to take, neighbors/family will talk.All the dreams you had for the marriage are dying. In their place will be wonderful realities for you and your sons.Please take care of yourself. This board is here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 4:01pm

Decson,

Thanks for the advice. I need all that i can get! I remember my sister was on section 8 at one time when she was a single mom. I will definitely check that out!

My STBX has become more patient and understanding with the boys SINCE I filed. He does ask Tyler massive questions about what mommy is doing, etc......which is really putting Tyler in the middle. He is very upset, but has asked me not to say anything because he does not want his dad getting mad at him or at me. He says he can deal with it, so for the time being I told him that I would not say anything. I know eventually he will go off on his dad for his behavior, which just might be what STBX needs. To hear his son tell him that what he is doing needs to stop.

We haven't sat down to discuss specifics yet, as to what he should pay or not pay for. I don't think he will be mean inregards to his children. He has a very large ego, and does not want his family or friends to know that he is not supporting his children. So far, he has been doing ok with this. But as far as for ME.....that's a different story. He has already made mountains out of molehills. Painting this picture of me carrying on with many men. And even went as far to say that I am also a lesbian. He makes me out to be crazy, and unstable as well. He even thinks I have people following him. LOL

Anyway, I could go on and on about his accusations, but I'm really just tired of the whole thing! Thanks for the advice though....if you think of anything else that can help me, please let me know.

michelle

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