i need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
i need help
22
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 2:21pm

I do apologize for not being on for such a long time. I've been having issues at home and am in need of some help and advice.

On Sept 1st, I filed for divorce. Dh was becoming very possessive, controlling, and his anger and moodiness has not gotten better. His patience and understanding with the boys was still a problem as well. I was uncomfortable being around him, and uncomfortable with his unpredicatability and his sneaking around the house. I felt as though I was being watched all the time.

Anyway, my problem.....

I have been a SAHM since Nathan was born. He is now 7 and Tyler is 10. We have to sell the house, probably move into an apartment. The judge has granted me 1/2 of dh's monthly income. I am being told by my attorney, dh's attorney, and my therapist (who I have been seeing for about a month now)...that I need to get a job. HOW?? I have no one to take care of Nathan. True...I could put Tyler in an afterschool program, which they do offer at his school. But who do I get to take care of an autistic child? And actually be able to afford this type of care? And what about holidays, days off of school, and summer vacation?? School is draining for Nathan, he needs to have time after school ....quiet time. I don't know what to do. It would be ideal to get a job with the school district, that way I have the same days off as the boys do. But I need to know what other options I have, if this is not possible.

I could probably make it, financially, not working. But dh works off of commission, and there may be months I receive less money. I don't know what to do. The judge has also ordered that I am not allowed to speak to any males..other than the friendly "hi". Dh has painted a picture of me being an adulteress and having affairs with every man on the planet. My attorney has told me that the judge CAN do this. Unfortunately, I only have a couple of friends, who happen to be male. So I am lost right now, have no one to talk to. I don't see my therapist for a few days now.

I am extremely depressed right now and crying an awful lot. Filing for divorce was the best thing to do for me and boys...emotionally. But financially, I just want enough to get by.....and i'm just not sure I can manage this.

michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 5:57pm

Michelle,

I am so sorry to hear you going through all this. What a rotten year for the two of us! i just finally started the legal process a few weeks ago and hope to do an agreement instead of going to court.

Let's email. My addy's have changed. it's vjacobs at frontiernet dot net these days. It is awful at first regardless of the circumstances. But it can make you a better person and make you much stronger. Let's catch up. Take care, Valerie

~Valerie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 7:58pm

Michelle,


I have also thought of you, and wondered where you had gotten to.


I'm sorry I don't really have any words of wisdom or helpful advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 8:11pm

Hi Val.....its definitely been awhile. We were going to try and do the divorce ourselves, mostly to save money, but STBX has alot of anger issues and its been impossible to talk to him. I added you to my yahoo, hope we can chat sometime!

Hi Evelyn.....thanks for thinking of me. I enjoyed seeing the pic of your boys. They are adorable! I do miss being here, so I'm going to try and stay intouch.

michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2001
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 8:15pm
((((((((Michelle))))))))))) I have no words of advice jsut cyber hugs to give.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 9:25pm

Hi Michelle,

I also had wondered where you were recently. I am so sorry for your hard times. But I know that when a loving woman such as yourself has no other option but to divorce a man whom she loves, then that is the very wisest move she can make. It does sound like your husband has become very ill, in many, many ways, and you will need to get clear of him as much as is possible in order to take care of yourself and your boys in the future.

I do hope you have a good lawyer who is aggressive and will work hard for you. You will need protection. A man who will lie like that and be so hurtful is not someone who can be trusted to do the right thing. A close girlfriend of mine finally divorced her angry, controlling, jealous husband and she really left him with too much power over her children and therefore herself. I do know she has regretted this in the years since the divorce, because he has continued to get sicker and be more difficult.

But she is better in her own life for having left him, and I know eventually you will really know this for yourself as well. Right now will be hard as you will need grieving time, as well as facing such an uncertain future. It will take great effort to move and set up a new life, comfort your children and make all this work. Might you think about waiting a little while to start working? Will your family help you out for awhile?

Anyways, ((((((hugs)))) to you, Tyler and Nathan. I have always found great babysitters and care for Malcolm, with whom he has flourished. As you investigate this area, you will, too. Being with other people besides parents is good for our kids, opens up their close relationships to include more people and helps them venture further out into the world. And you are going to need some more time for yourself, away from Nathan and Tyler, too.

I believe that your husband's lies about you will backfire and eventually will come back to bite him in the butt. And those are such outrageous accusations, anyways, when would you have had the time????

yours,

Sara

Avatar for betz67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 8:22am

(((HUGS))) I don't have any advice. I think you're a really strong person to do this and you're boys will be better off with a mom that's strong and whole than one that is with a husband that's so controlling and nasty. The other ladies had very good ideas. Stick around, we're here to support you!

Betsy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 9:14am

(((HUGS))) Michelle.......so sorry you are going through this. I filed for divorce from Vaughn's dad when he was 18 months old.......I'm so glad I did......Vaughn does not remember all the ugliness of it.....and it did get ugly. I don't wish that on anyone.

If your STBX is being difficult......see if you can get an appointment with a court-appointed mediater......it's free and it was the ONLY way we came to an agreement about a visitation schedule that worked.

As for work......working as an educational aide would be an ideal position......same time and days off as your children. If you need to get a 9-5 job......look into respite care for the boys or check with the school for high school-aged sitters to stay at your house with your boys until you get home......my friend's daughter is an aide and she actually takes the boy she works with to his house and tutors him until his mom comes home (the mom pays her seperately for this). Is there anyone in the neighborhood who could watch them until you get home? I'll try thinking of other ideas.......hang in there.

(((HUGS)))
Christie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 9:32am

Hi Michelle...

I know you don't know me from Adam and I've refrained from making this suggestion because I don't know much about your son. It's one of those things my 'maybe Aspergers' son could handle and even thrive in, but I don't know if your son would be overwhelmed by it.

Anyway... in case its a possiblity for you that you just hadn't considered... My mother's solution was a full-time home daycare. It takes a bit of doing to get it started (with a nice full load of kids) but you do have the support that you could make stretch in the meantime and some states have $$ to help you get one up and going to code. You can even run more than one 'shift' for more income. And you could be the one to take in *other* ASD kids and assure those mommas that their kids have someone on board who will understand them!

The minuses of course... your home is not completely your own and if your son is easily stressed by changes it could be rough if you didn't have a good consistant load of kids starting out. But as a kid I can tell you we all *loved* the plusses... you still get to be the 'full time' mom... no worring about daycare arrangements at all! And Nathan could still have his afterschool 'downtime' if daycare kids were not allowed in his/the boys room. When he was ready to deal with them he could come out and join in.

Anyway... just another thought for you. I hope you find something that really works for your family. :)

Kristy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 1:26pm

Hi Sara,Betsy, and Christie...nice to see more familiar people!!!

I did call the school job line this morning. Nothing really available, most of it is for inhouse applicants only. I don't think I will qualify for section 8 or low income housing, cause if I do get a job...I'll be bringing in too much money.

I am also having to consider my knee situation. For those of you who don't know, or don't remember.....I have knees problems. Two surgeries in the past, which left me only 80% better. I still have pain occasionally, and am unable to do alot still. I'm not currently under a dr's care for them, because basically...nothing else can be done for me. The pain just requires rest and some tylenol. Even though it does hinder my job opportunities, its not bad enough to qualify for SSI.

Kristy......thanks for the idea of babysitting. I have thought about it, but we will be moving to a smaller place, possibly an apartment. I don't think I will have the space to watch enough children, to make the money I need. Not to mention my knee situation too.

MAN....I fell sooooo screwed!!!!!!! Anyway, still looking....and investigating my options......

michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 1:51pm

Well....I just typed something a few minutes ago...came back to look, and my post never happened!!!!!

So anyway, I will try and remember what I typed...lol.

Hi Sara, Betsy, and Christie....nice to see familiar faces!!

I called the school job line, and there were not many openings. Most of them were for inhouse applicants only. I also asked my sister about section 8 and low income housing, and it doesn't look like I will qualify for that. Especially if I get a job, which I am needing to do.

I also have my knee situation to consider too. For those of you who don't know, or don't remember....I have bad knees. I had 2 past surgeries, and it only made me about 80% better. I have to rest and take tylenol for the pain...which happens occasionally. I'm not under a dr's care right now, cause there is nothing more that can be done for me. And I am not bad enough to receive SSI.

Kristy.....thanks for the advice about babysitting. I did think of this briefly, but we are planning on moving to a smaller place, possibly an apartment. I won't have the room and my knees may not be up to caring for little ones.

MAN....I feel screwed!!!!!!!!! So...anyway...still looking and investigating my options....

michelle