If you have more than one kid...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
If you have more than one kid...
6
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 12:54am

Do you find that your relationship with them is not as equal as you would like?


The reason I ask is because I've noticed something that DH does which kind of irks and worries me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 1:07am

Sadly yes but differently.

DH somewhat, his parents a ton. It isn't that DH will talk more about Emily, but it is obvious that he does more with her. Emily is easier because she gives back socially. You don't have to work at a relationship with her. As such it does appear often that DH plays favorites. However, on the other hand, we both know Emily is the one who can be easily forgotten because she is good and typical so we both try to make an effort to spend extra time with her. But it is pretty obvious to me she is favored for attention from him.

He hides it pretty well you see because his parents do not hide it well. It is extremely obvious they play favorites and she is it.

Just this past weekend after the autism race they again ask if they can keep HER for extra time. I had to say something again as I do every so often. I said "well, I am concerned because she has been the one invited the last few times and the other kids notice that". I had hoped they would invite another kid. They didn't. They never invite Mike and rarely Dave. Sometimes Cait as she is favored too (they are the only girls of all the grand kids). They had said it infront of Emily who was being good and would have been heart broken not to go so I let her. I eventually have to suck it up and write a nasty gram email again about not obviously favoring one child over another. Alot of good it will do though. This has been a theme since DH was a child and I don't think my complaining will change a lifetime of habit.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 5:04am

Dear Evelyn,

DH and I were relatively old when we had our first, and a decent amount of effort went into conceiving him, so when he was born, the world was about him. He was anticipated for years.

The second guy was concieved on the first try, and we really didn't think it would "work" so fast. We thought that we'd put some moderate effort into having a second, and if it didn't happen, okay, one's fine. Then he was born, a strapping healthy infant, seemingly moments after thinking about it. However, our thoughts had moved to dealing with possible developmental problems for number one, so my maternity leave for my second guy was primarily spent making arrangements and appointments for his brother while he hung around in a sling nursing.

However, the second guy started to make it quite clear that all family decisions were not going to be made by his brother anymore. Brother doesn't like bugs? Well baby needs to be outside! And DH and I found ourselves noticing how #1-centric our house really was. And we found ourselves cheering #2 on. Then the light clicked on in my head. DH and I are both the youngest. BTDT. Youngest children, step up!

Therefore, I think that we are both pretty balanced with our kids. I think our first guy got a head start, but the second guy has the advantage of repeating his parents' experience.

Just out of curiosity, does your DH have siblings? Maybe he relates to the older.

Sidney

APOV on Autism
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 3:47pm

Evelyn,
My kids are 9 yrs apart. I call them 2, but one at a time. Swetha and Sravan had issues. At one time, I was going thru temper tantrum because Sravan was 2 and Swetha was 11 (hormonal). Even today, my older one is collge, the trouble seems to come in 2s. COuple of Sunday's ago, when Sravan was having a hard time in Karate, I get a call from my daughter that she cannot find her keys and the next day was her midterm and she cannot enter the bldg. without that. Sometimes, I think she is AS too. SHe taught me ways to deal with Sravan, who is very AS. So both my kids find way to get my attention at the same time.

more grey hair,
Anandhi.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:15pm
Oh yes, definitely! It is VERY hard for me to just enjoy my AS kids. I have to force myself to hug/kiss them regularly and interact with them just for fun. My NT kids are just naturally more relaxing and enjoyable to spend time with (they are not relaxed children by any stretch of the imagination, but it is more relaxing to spend time with my hyper, over-active children than my AS children). My AS dh also enjoys the NT kids better. Even tho' he understands them, the AS kids drive him crazy. Fortunately both dh and I are very careful about not being obvious to the kids about our feelings. Of course, the AS kids will frequently gripe about our liking everyone else in the family better than them, but it's usually because of something like we fixed the wrong meal or asked them to do chores!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:41pm

There IS a favorite of ONE of the parents in this house. Thats all I'm gonna say!

Chrissy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:49pm

My dh and I have made a conscious effort to make sure that our oldest dd, Natalie, doesn't feel like her little sister, Lily, gets more attention than her. Along with her ASD dx, Lily also has other health issues and has always required visits to multiple specialists. Before her 3rd b-day she also had therapy several times a week from ECI. Natalie was almost 6 yrs old when Lily was born, so at least she did have our undivided attention for quite some time. She did incredibly well adjusting to having a new sister, especially one with special needs. However, as much as we tried, I know that out of necessity, Lily did have some extra attention from my dh and I. We did make a point to do things with Natalie alone, but of course I feel guilty that maybe I could have done more with her. Things have settled down a lot health-wise for Lily in the last year or so, so it's gotten a lot easier to divide our time. Our extended families have done a great job about making both of our daughters feel loved. There was a time when I had one relative who seemed to favor Natalie over Lily. But, I think it stimmed from the fact that since Lily never asked to spend time with this relative, she thought that there wasn't much point in asking. It wasn't until about a year ago when Lily started crying when she got left behind, that this relative realized what we had been trying to explain to her. Lily may not have asked to go, but she certainly didn't want to be the one left at home. Lately, since Lily is so much more verbal, she makes it known that she wants to go and so things are much easier. I think that having more than one child is a balancing act anyway, but it's just a little trickier when you have special needs children.

Amy~Natalie & Lily's mom