I'm back again

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Registered: 08-30-2003
I'm back again
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Thu, 06-12-2008 - 9:23am

I still don't feel really comfortable posting on my son here....he's now an adult legally but still a child mentally really. He's 20 now and is in Job Corps--due to return in 4 to 12 months depending on the time it takes for his career training. He didn't do well in College and felt it was to hard so now in Job Corps.

He has a girlfriend which she is okay but she is from a very dysfunctional family with sexual abuse and just stupid parents. I'm sorry I know I shouldn't type that. But I refer to the mother as the "freakin mother" or the "b". My son, who we tried so hard to instill good values has let them go out the window. He's very influential and of course mom and dad doesn't know anything. He started smoking cigarettes because his gf mother said, "James your 19, you can do what you want!" He was 19 when he started smoking he's been smoking for about a year now. :( My husband and I encourage him to stop and talk about health affects and all. Anyway with him living with us he has to follow our rules and it goes well until that freaking idiot starts in on him and we can ALWAYS tell because his attitude and his, "I'm 20" starts in. The parents are telling him, "James your 20 now they can't tell you what to do" well he emailed the police department about how I alway argue and I'm psychotic....I was devastated. I spoke to our police chief and explained his disorder and all and how he is very influenced and with that undesirable family and for some reason is trying to destroy our closeness (the oldest son in that family has been removed from the home for sexually abusing his younger sister). Our police chief came and talk to him personally and told him he isn't forced to live here but if he so chooses then he has to follow the rules and that's the way it is at his house no matter how old the person is. He left it open for son to talk to him if he needed to. It went well for a week then began again and son threatened to vandalize my car so I called the police department and an officer we've known for a long time said he was shocked to get a call to our house and my husband explained the troubled family he's been messed up with and the officer knew the family. The dad was just arrest the week before for harassment. This family is hated around here and son idolizes them because of gf. The gf is probably good for him and doesn't share the insights the parents do. She is a rule oriented person and in front of me helps when I say something she backs me up. She idolizes her mother though. I know this girl would be able to take care of my son-he really does need someone to take care of him. They are talking marriage when she turns 18, she's 16 right now and she has to do the cooking, cleaning and child care while her parents strive at working at a fast food for their careers-their goals are to be shift managers and not parents. When our son is around this family though he turns into a different person. He was so sweet, helpful and followed the rules.

I know this is long and I probably shouldn't lay this on you all since your children are younger. I want to be the beckon of light for you to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm sorry for showing this part of me. I want to protect my son. I'm still a Mama Bear and I see my cub is in danger.....when do we let our children go when they are not "normal?

Also I'm worried because that tornado that hit Iowa? He's about an hour from there. I hope everything is alright. I pray for the families and people that were lost. :(

I miss a lot of the seasoned posters here......Paula and Renee I miss you. I have always admired you gals. Does Candes still venture over here? I really miss and admire her too. :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 4:18pm

oh NO!

How horrible that one family can undo all those years of hard work and good values you instilled in your son.

My brother was special needs and I know my stepmom went through nightmares with him and his susceptibility to bad influences. It didn't help that she lived a long way away from him, so at least you have some advantage in that you are physically close, and you have the police on your side. You can only keep doing what you are doing and hope it works out for the best.

-Paula


visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Avatar for mamabearof2
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Registered: 08-30-2003
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 5:45pm

Thanks so much Paula for the support. I have tried to help that family but with my line of work and them being involved with DHS in the past, they look at me as an enemy and I really feel they want us to lose our son since they lost theirs....doe that make sense? I told hubby the mom wants a son already raised so she can say what a good job she did because her other one was removed from the home for the abuse he did. I'm thinking you're in New York? Anyway apparently her son gets out this month since he turns 18 and it's rumored she's sending him to New York to live with her mother. I just don't know what I did to make son think I'm such a bad person. Hubby explained to him that if it wasn't for me he wouldn't have gotten all the help in school, college and so on because I've pushed the schools to do what's right for him. I didn't just lay back and say nothing can be done.

Yeah at least we are physically close so we can help. He actually told my mom that he thinks I'm going crazy and thinks I don't want him around gf. We've showed him that he only wants to spend time with her and do nothing else with his life and how friends are important and family activities/get togethers. I showed how she does that but he doesn't. I know he's young and "in love". This is his first girlfriend. At least he swears they won't do anything until their married. :)

Thanks again Paula-I appreciate you. :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 1:24am

Linda,

We don't always have to be the beckon of light ya know. Even if our kids have grown up, even if they have made miles of progress, they are still our children and they are still children with autism. It sucks big time but it is our reality and autism does not go away just cause we do all the right things or try really hard. Sometimes I am feeling like it is worse for the kids who have done better because they are the ones who get stuck in these sitautions.

Big time HUGSSSSS to you. Jimmy is a good boy. He is a sweet boy. In general kids go through a huge challenging/rebellion time as they gain independence. I don't doubt it is harder with a ASD kid but what the heck, everything has been harder. Why stop now? He will come back and make his way. You have done a good job. What he is doing is developmental. Likely a little later than the majority of kids. Maybe even a little harder and longer, but soon he will develop past this too with your help and be the nice young man you raised again.

Renee

Disney08

APOV on Autism
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Avatar for mamabearof2
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Registered: 08-30-2003
Sat, 06-14-2008 - 12:16pm

Oh Renee you are awesome! You always seem to put things into perspective for me. People have been telling me it's developmental and normally parents go through this when the kids are teens, the thing is when they are teens we have more control than when their adults and still need our help. We haven't had any trouble out of him until he met this family. I don't know if this is the girl for him but I have prayed and prayed that God bring someone into his life that will love him for who he is. I know he's wanted a girlfriend.

We have noticed his speech has gone downhill really bad and he struggles to talk. Hopefully the time at Job Corps will help him out again. I have deemed the other place the "Vortex" because a vortex is a big hole that sucks you in and it sucks him in big time. Hubby is wondering if the vortex have him write things down to communicate. We've noticed he does that with us a lot and we request that he speak instead of writing it down and most of the time when he writes things down to tell me I'll tell him I don't want to read it I want to here him say it. He stutters and pulls words out so much and his eyes roll back into his head like he used to do. I have called him a couple of times and the gf and the mother takes the phone and says they can say it better than he can so they'll just talk. I tell them I'd rather talk to him since I called him. What would you do with this issue? His speech has gotten MUCH worse. I tried to tell the mother his disorder and she shrugs it off saying you can't tell anything different that he just has trouble talking. I know hubby says he thinks I'm hard on him and that I want him to be normal and that's why I'm so hard on him but this mother is just in denial and he's backsliding. Again if this is the girl for him then great but don't want him to keep backsliding.

Thanks again Renee--you are a great support. :)

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Registered: 04-28-2007
Sat, 06-14-2008 - 1:16pm

I am wondering. How much time does he spend in the vortex? The phone situation with the Mum and gf is absolutely a control issue and I would say bugger all to do with "helping" him. If it is all about this girl, is there a way to include her more in your family and your household more, thus he will spend more time at home. It really does sound like a regular developmentally appropriate reaction and the fact that there is a 4 year gap between to two suggests as much. But as you already said, when he's 16 you have more control than at 20.

You could pull the all or nothing approach, my way or the highway, but I think you know he'll happily take the highway all the way to the vortex. As it is it would appear to try to make his homelife as appealing as possible. If he's allowed do whatever he wants at the gf's house then like any teenager (and I am thinking this is his emotional place right now) he will happily take that option. I do hope job corps helps reset him. (((HUGS)))

Dee

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Avatar for mamabearof2
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Sat, 06-14-2008 - 1:45pm

Dee you are right on the money too...we have tried to get him to spend more time here and include her in our family activities as much as possible BUT her being 16 and they have the control, whenever she gets grounded, which is very often it's only grounded from coming over here......what a surprise huh? Well you asked how often he's over at the vortex. When he came back from college we kept him to his word that he wouldn't go over everyday and spending all his free time over there like he did before he went to college so he said every other day and we tried to keep him at his word. Well there were times he went to get her and she had to clean the house or fix supper.....what a shock???? So he was over there for several hours waiting. On the control issue....they have been telling him that we control his life and that we shouldn't. If it was up to him and them he would stay over there until the wee hours of the night. This family has little boundaries and he was raised with clear boundaries and socially acceptable visiting. Last summer he was staying there until 2-3 AM until we put a stop to it and said 11PM on weekends and 10PM on week nights. Well when he came back this time we said 10 PM no matter what due to him wanting to be over there all the time anyway. The gf likes it here more because they are free to relax and she doesn't have to do anything here but on the days she can come over she has to be home from 6 to 8 depending on what the parents have to do. They get on his computer and do their "yearbook" and "myspace" sites and all and at her home the kids aren't allowed to be on the computer and it's in the parents bedroom....I wonder why their not allowed on it. I tell you this family has little boundaries and I just feel it's not a safe place to be. The younger sister that was sexually abused by her older stepbrother (gf's full brother) has been kicked out of Middle School and put in Alternative school for reportedly making a "hitlist" and saying she had guns in the locker. This girl has serious issues. Last summer the mother came to me (when things were better with us and I didn't know what their family was actually like) and showed me a notebook where the girl was drawing headstones and drawing about death and asked me what she should do. I gave her names of counselors I trust and the mother stated she didn't want to go that route because the girl uses it as a "b" session just to complain about the parents. I called it in as child abuse because she wouldn't get her help and I think that's what made them hate me so much too. Nothing was done because the hotline wanted me to give her another chance to get the girl help.

We agree it sounds like a control thing on their side. Son feels SOOOOOOOOOOO bad for the girl and wants to "save" her from her stepfather....that's right stepfather. The mother is helpless and being controlled by the stepfather and can't do anything to help the daughter. She is helpless, that's what she tells son. She plays the "friend" "good parent" has no control over things but can do all the fun things. We're trying to get son to see this can't be true but he believes her.

Oh my gosh I just spilled out so much..I'm sorry for rattling on. As you can see there is just so much with this family and I don't know how to embrace them so I can have my son back. This family has had 3 different vehicles window broke out since last summer. The family is hated and everyone I speak to that knows the family feels bad for son's gf. She really is an innocent victim in the family and this has just pulled our son in the family so he can "save" her.

HELP! I've been praying that God loves them through me and that the relationship between son and I can be repaired.

The emotion has a "magic dust"...can I have some of that and fix the situation????

Oh yeah, one of my BIGGEST problems is sarcasm...can you tell? This really bothers my son and husband. This is the way I cope with stress and I don't know if I want to change that.

Thanks for your input and thanks if you got this far in reading this soap opera.

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Avatar for betz67
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 6:06pm

((((HUGS)))) sounds like a nightmare of a situation. I'd be a bit concerned that because he's 20 and she's just 16, and there has been sexual abuse in the family that he might be tempted into a situation that could ruin him. I'm not sure on your state's law, but he could be labeled as a sex offender if they can prove he has sex w/ her. I hate to say that but he might not realize the consequences of such an action. I know he's 20 and she seems to have a vortex hold on him so it might not help, but yikes. That's a scary situation-- and the mother could turn on him if he does/says the wrong thing. She sounds like a piece of work.

I hope some distance w/ the Job Corps will help!
Betsy

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Registered: 08-30-2003
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 6:36pm

We have already talked about the sex issue. We also explained that even if he hasn't done anything if she gets mad at him for any reason she can cry wolf and they will believe her....especially the younger sibling who was sexually abused. We have burnt in his head not to be left alone with any of them. I'm not so worried about the 16 year old now because our state law says 16 is age of consent. We were worried when he was 19 and she was 15. The mother set them up. I wondered what she was thinking with that.

Son doesn't see things realistically.

You all have been such a help. This has been bothering me for months now....well actually a year...that's when things started going bad.

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Avatar for mamabearof2
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Registered: 08-30-2003
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 1:33pm

He comes back for a summer break tomorrow night...late. Friday will be the first day back really. He is due to return the 15th of July.

He emailed me yesterday! I was shocked. He also wrote: "I love you mom" those words put a warm feeling all over me. I need to keep telling myself that he does love me. :)

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Avatar for betz67
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 1:38pm

what a sweet boy! I hope he's learning lots and gaining some independence through this program!

Betsy

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