I'm down in the dumps!
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I'm down in the dumps!
| Tue, 02-14-2006 - 10:44pm |
Hi all,
I haven't been around that much recently because to be honest since Christmas I have been a little depressed. I think the stress of this has just gotten to much for me to deal with on my own so I have decided to start seeing a therapist. DH still can't talk about it and I have felt myself becoming more resentful toward him because I feel like I'm the one doing all the work and worrying while he walks around in ignorant bliss.I really feel this could destroy our marriage. I'm usually pretty even tempered but over the last couple of months I seem to have periods of being either really angry or really sad. Right after Jake was diagnosed I think I just kept myself so busy reading about Autism, going to meetings, doing all the therapy etc. I never gave myself enough time to take it all in.I have a lot of stressful things coming up in the next couple of months and I honestly don't know where I'm going to find the time or energy. Jake is starting the transition from E.I to the I.U in April but we are planning on selling our house in May so that will mean trying to organize his move to yet another I.U and another hole team of therapists.I also have to try and find an aide for him for preschool. Ella will also get a whole new set of therapists from E.I in the county we plan to move to and will be evaluated for Autism in June. I'm trying my hardest to stay positive, we will be near family so we actually may have a social life again because DH's family and my sister will be able to help out more.
For those of you who have been at this for a while is this typical to feel like this? Did you or do you have periods of feeling angry or depressed about it all?Will it get easier?
Teresa
I haven't been around that much recently because to be honest since Christmas I have been a little depressed. I think the stress of this has just gotten to much for me to deal with on my own so I have decided to start seeing a therapist. DH still can't talk about it and I have felt myself becoming more resentful toward him because I feel like I'm the one doing all the work and worrying while he walks around in ignorant bliss.I really feel this could destroy our marriage. I'm usually pretty even tempered but over the last couple of months I seem to have periods of being either really angry or really sad. Right after Jake was diagnosed I think I just kept myself so busy reading about Autism, going to meetings, doing all the therapy etc. I never gave myself enough time to take it all in.I have a lot of stressful things coming up in the next couple of months and I honestly don't know where I'm going to find the time or energy. Jake is starting the transition from E.I to the I.U in April but we are planning on selling our house in May so that will mean trying to organize his move to yet another I.U and another hole team of therapists.I also have to try and find an aide for him for preschool. Ella will also get a whole new set of therapists from E.I in the county we plan to move to and will be evaluated for Autism in June. I'm trying my hardest to stay positive, we will be near family so we actually may have a social life again because DH's family and my sister will be able to help out more.
For those of you who have been at this for a while is this typical to feel like this? Did you or do you have periods of feeling angry or depressed about it all?Will it get easier?
Teresa

Theresa,
It is totally normal to feel overwhelmed. It is totally normal to try to imerse yourself in all things autism and lose who you are as a person. It is normal to have marital problems because of all of it. It is normal to get more moody. It is a grieving process we all handle differently and actually, you are handling it alot like I did.
But, KUDOS for you for taking care of yourself now! I just started seeing a therapist this year when my marriage totally fell apart and I was really really awful. I should have gone years ago.
Honestly, right there with the referrals for ABA, OT, ST, books to read, conferences to go to and whatever else aught to be referrals for a therapist for parents to see. I think it is a must for all parents of newly diagnosed children. We like to think we are tough. We like to think if we work hard enough we will "cure" our kids. They will grow out of it or it or what ever else if we just work hard enough at it or find the right therapy. Conversely, when we realize that "cure" isnt realistic we figure that we just need to be happy with who they are and accept it, be persistently positive and all the struggles (don't all kids have troubles?) and we are less than a good mom if we don't.
We forget who we are. We only become the "autism mom". Everything becomes autism and it becomes who were are until we forget who we were before we heard our kids were autistic. And even to accept that our kids are autistic when they are given other nice little names like PDD or AS and we think "they are kind of like autistic but not quite so I shouldn't be upset. I should be glad that I am lucky"
What we have is a constant state of grieving that we deny ourselves. And our marriages, children and entire family suffer in the long run because of it. To truly learn to accept it, accept the struggles, to not forget who we are. how to really enjoy life and be the mom we want to be I think we all really really need a therapist to help us through it in a healthy way.
You are not weak for feeling overwhelmed or down in the dumps and you are not alone.
Our kids are awesoem kids, and they have a good chance at leading a productive independent life but the road there is not an easy one and you are the one with the riegns with the weight of the world on your shoulders. To do a good job you are going to need support.
Renee
i have to agree with renee. with what i have been through in the last month, i have come to realize that i too had started to lose my own identity. when my two boys were diagnosed 2 years ago, i literally threw myself into autism completely. in the process, i lost who i was. in most ways, i don't regret too much. my kids needed me and i needed to help them. however, there needs to be a happy medium. hindsight is a wonderful thing. try to take some time for you. and during that time for you, do things that don't revolve around autism!!
when the kids were diagnosed, i stopped going to karate class. i was a yellow belt. i just stopped, and i loved going. 2 weeks ago i started up again. i bought a treadmill with the earrings i returned that dh bought me. i am eating lean cuisine and losing weight. my goal--to work towards earning my brown belt. who knows...some day i may be sensei valerie-ha!! already, i feel that i am getting back a sense of control and direction which will benefit my kids, and me.
find your niche (sp?) and hang in there. good luck, valerie
(((HUGS)))) the first year is really rough!
I totally agree w/ Renee and Valerie! It's so easy to lose yourself in all the problems of your kids (I have both nt and asd and other kids-- they all have problems, it's not just reserved for the asd kid). I think having a Dx for Weston was difficult and we had to work through the grieving process, but the Dx explains questions we had for a long, long time (he wasn't Dx'd until age 8).
In our marriage, I've always had 90% of the child care duties, this was the understanding when I left my job and stayed at home. When we started having concerns about Weston, I buried myself in learning everything and doing everything and anything for him. Dh ignored the whole thing and did nothing-- wouldn't even talk about it. Now that we've had the Dx for awhile and Weston's doing pretty well at school, I've gotten a little more laid back. (Dh has worked through his grieving too-- he just did it more quietly w/ less activity) I don't want to fix him, I don't even want to change him a whole lot. I want him to learn how to cope in this world and have good relationships on his own terms. We'll work toward that slowly. We'll educate others as well as ourselves. Meanwhile, life goes on for all of our kids and for Dh and me, and for me myself. Finding the balance in life is difficult. I don't get whole weekends to refresh my spirit like my friends-- I get 5-10 min. I get split time when I'm multi-tasking, but I've learned to use whatever time I have to benefit and refresh me. A therapist is great if you can afford it or if you can find the time. I've found some other moms at a support group that I can talk to and network with. I also have found my Bible study moms don't necessarily understand but they support me w/ their prayers and kind words. I've also found that doing my own thing (like I did before children) helps me keep things in perspective and feel like a real person.
Betsy
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I think I wrote a similar post just last week!
I have soooo been there. We started seeing DS's challenging behavior at 18 mos. I went back to college shortly after and was a double major (graphic design and illustration.) I ended up having to drop one to be home with DS more and try to figure out what was up. He was not dx until just last year shortly before his 6th b-day. I have since gotten my degree in illustration and find myself in the same place as you very often. We decided to have a 2nd child because things with DS had improved the summer he turned 5; DS#2 was born right before we got the AS dx. He's just as much of a handful as DS #1 and does not sleep very much. DH and I have *very* little alone time, but we take what we can get and try to remember that we are a team. We take turns letting each other sleep in for a while on the weekends.......the best gift ever!
I do what I can to be creative. I'm not a full time working mom like I thought I would be. Nor am I a published, constantly-have-an-assignment-work-from-home freelance illustrator mom that was my second choice. I knit, I draw and build things with DS#1. I'm pretty good at writing social stories and enjoy illustrating them for DS. And I know that when DS#2 gets older it will get a little easier to find more time to paint.
I think a supportive family is a treasure. Someone to watch the kids will help alot I'm sure. My inlaws love our kids, but they're just not able to sit for the baby yet. I love them dearly, but if we want to see them, it's definately on their terms not ours. My family lives far away and I often just want my mommy to be around to take some of the pressure off! LOL Sometimes it really feels like I have to do everything myself.
I don't know how helpful this is. I think seeing a therapist is a great idea. I saw one for awhile a couple of years ago. It wasn't really a good fit and I never bothered to find a new one but just getting out of the house for that hour was great.
Chrystee
Teresa,
I've definitely had my ups and downs too. It's been 2yrs since Nathan was dx'd, and I spent the first year doing everything....without dh's help or input. So I know hard it is to handle everything yourself! It does take a toll on your marriage.
I don't know if it's gotten easier or not. It really just comes and goes. But when the hard moments surface....I find that I am able and ready to take it on. Autism is our life. Nathan's needs have to be taken into account....in whatever we do. It's just the way it is. It has become part of our everyday life.
But I don't ever stop worrying, and I don't ever stop consuming information. It has been a huge change for our family.....and it does take awhile to adjust. There's just so much to do. And so many people around us to educate. Trying to stay on top of everything can be exhausting!!
michelle
Yes, depression is almost a byproduct of our lifestyle. I actually continued to work at running 2 careers after becoming a mom, often bringing my baby with me. As my ds' issues began to surface by age 3, we rearranged our lives, included some great babysitters and a host of fantastic therapists, and I continued to work both as an actor/theatre producer (which I had been for many, many years) and also as an exercise instructor/personal trainer (which had been my earn-extra-dough-as-needed career for not quite as long) When Malcolm was 3, I created my own theatre company, which ran with a great team of people for over 4 years. Malcolm was a backstage kid, and is himself a pretty good actor, btw. Then we closed it down, due to many circumstances, not the least of which was that I was getting completely burned out. Also, as Malcolm's expenses skyrocketed, I needed to way step up my fitness business, which now brings in some major money.
Depression? Yup, I really struggle with depression. Autism and raising money to pay for treatment is my life. I have many close friends, all of whom are involved with Raising Malcolm in some way, so I am not unsupported. But there's not enough hours in the day for there to be much for me in my life. This makes me very sad. I miss my theatre life dreadfully. Last year I got to act in a play for another producer, that was SO MUCH FUN! I'd kill to do it again, but I am limited in what I could accept because of hours, payscale, etc.
The many hours of exercise I do a day does help keep the depression under control, but last month I took over a month off of teaching to run Malcolm around the country. And by the end of first week without the exercise, I was so depressed I almost wasn't functional!! It was scary. I cried and cried. I toy with going back into therapy, which I did for over 10 years as a young woman and it really helped me then. It is hard to find the time, but I could make it. I will when I get my back to the wall, probably.
I think getting help, therapy, anti-depressants, good rich dark chocolate and fabulous red wine, we should accept whatever assistance we can and need to do one of the hardest jobs around!
yours,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
(((HUGS)))
I know how you feel. Hang in there. I too have been seeing a therapist - started when I was going through my nasty divorce (6 yrs ago). Kept seeing him to deal with single parenthood. Continued when I met and married DH. And thank goodness I still have him now. He has been invaluable to me. I need that unbiased person to dump on.....can't do that with DH or friend or mom. He's a huge help.
I agree with all the others.....if we don't take care of ourselves, how can we help our families.
((HUGS))
Christie
Teresa,
I went through exactly the same thing when Peter was first diagnnosed. I was fine at first. Sprang into action, checked out schools, educated myself, rearranged schedules, yada yada yada.
then everything started to tick over smoothy, and I hit a wall. Became deeply depressed. when the strong sucidaal urges hit, I booked myself into emergency therapy through work, and the woman explained thta I had deferred my feeling about Peter's DX by keeping busyuu and on top of things, but when I couldnt'[ do that anymore, the feelings snuck in, and I was completely floored by them.
it took awhile to sort myself out The big thing I needed to do was change my attitude towards special needs and change the expectations and objectives I had had for Peter.
I stoppd coparing him to other kids, and started comparing him to himself, days, weeks months previous. That was the big thig that helped me. Blocking out the Noise of 'normal' people, kids, expectations, -whih is an ongoing process -never complete, helped me to see him for who he really is.
And ya know, adding a few years to him helped. It is definitely tougher when they are small, especially if you have a younger one, too.
((((((((hugs))))))).
Hang in there.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com