I'm so overwhelmed...

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Registered: 03-27-2003
I'm so overwhelmed...
13
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 11:02pm
I'm new to this board, although I've been reading it for months--and I think I've even posted once or twice. In a nutshell, my 7 yo ds has asperger's. He's a student in the school where I am a teacher, and is actually in the room next door to mine. He's doing ok in school, so that isn't an issue right now..... It's how he behaves at home and with me/dh. It is a struggle dealing with him from morning til night. When he gets up, he refuses to get dressed. He wants to do what he feels like doing, whether it's using the computer, listening to music, playing with a toy, etc. I have to struggle with him to get out of bed, brush his teeth, get his clothes on, eat his breakfast, etc. Our mornings end up being rushed and miserable, with me yelling, my dh angry, and my 4 yo dd in tears. When we get home from school, it's even worse. (Dh works most evenings.) He refuses to start his homework, fights me the whole way through it, won't come to the dinner table, is never ready to head upstairs to get ready for bed, won't get in the bathtub, etc. etc.... I'm sure you get the picture. I feel like all we do is scream and yell. The only way to get him to do what is expected of him is to physically drag him to where he needs to be. We've tried everything--reward charts, tokens, taking away privileges/toys...nothing really seems to work in the long run. Does anyone else have issues like these? I'll take any advice. I'm really not enjoying my son at all lately and am going to bed every night in tears. I feel like he has a terrible life where he is always being yelled at and punished. He's always angry and has started telling me how much he hates me, that I push him too hard.... Help.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 11:50pm

Wow, big hugs.

I wish I could come up with some good advice right now but my brain is just completely fried. That is frustrating and I know moms here can definitely sympathize.

My one advice would be simplify for both of you. Maybe cut back on the expectations. Try to find a way to simplify life for both of you and take some stress off. Then also find a way to enjoy your son again. Find the sweetness in him. From there you can start focusing on the positive and reinforcing the good behavior and that will help.

You know as a teacher that often positive praise goes far. It is just so hard sometimes and we get stuck in a rut that it is hard to see the good and a bad cycle happens. So my only thought is take soem of the stress off both of you for now.

Renee

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Registered: 06-25-2003
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 11:54pm

Hmmm.

I wonder if the drama has kind of become the routine? You know how Aspies can get with routines, they can sometimes cling even to negative ones, because the predictability and safety is there, you know.

The thing is -even though I think that is part of the the problem, I don't know how you can change it. It may be time to see a professional and almost preform a functional behavioral analysis at home, if that is possible.

Having said that however, it is late on the East Coast. I may have more ideas after a night's sleep.

-Paula

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Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 12:12am

Oh gosh, I know how you feel.

Avatar for toryanna
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 7:02am

First of all, {{{{{HUGS}}}}}


Now, as a teacher you probably have tried this, but I'll toss it out anyways. Since he likes music, is this one of things slowing him up on a school day? If so, maybe you can make it a game. Something like, I'll bet it takes me 2 songs to get dressed and 1 song to brush my teeth. Let him counter bet and see who wins. Sometimes you have to make it into a game. There are tooth tunes tooth brushes also. Maybe if he had his favorite song on a toothbrush that would make brushing fun. Now this one could backfire on you however. Victor hated his after a while because he didn't like the music "playing in his head".


I have to agree with everyone tho, don't sweat the small stuff. If you have no where to be, is it really important that he get dressed right away? Or couldn't said toy stow away in the backpack as long as he didn't take it out at school? Victor has a thing when he's totally stressed out at school that he has to take this stuffed animal that he's had since he was 2 to school. This stuffed dog stays in his backpack, in his locker all day but having it there makes him feel better. I know the school says no toys at school but if he's not playing with it, is it a fight worth fighting kwim?


Have a family game night. Break out some old game like candyland or chutes and ladders and goof off. When you see that he's smiling, remind him how happy seeing his smile makes you. If he gets ahead of everyone, let him know that he's doing awesome, or if he's behind everyone, let him know that he's doing wonderful by not letting that get to him.


If he gets up on time but won't get dressed in the morning, try letting him know that you're proud of him for getting up and you'd appreciate it if he'd get dressed. Victor is HUGE with please and thank you. He will dig his heels in and do absolutely NOTHING until you tell him please. I can scream "Get dressed" til I'm blue in the face but if I go into his room, sit by his bed and tell him "Victor, please get dressed. It's almost time for breakfast." the child is downstairs in a flash. When he does come downstairs, I remember to tell him thank you for getting dressed quickly. Now this doesn't work for everyone in the house. His little sister, my NT, would rather shoot herself than say please to her big brother, however, it's what works for him. Personally, I don't see what's so wrong with people remembering manners.


Just a few ideas off the cuff. Sorry if you have tried them. If I think of anymore, I'll post them.


Alexis

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Registered: 10-03-2004
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 9:35am

Hi and (((((((welcome))))))),

Your post just makes me think that more might be going on in school for your ds than you know. He sounds like a stressed out boy, and then home is the safe place to let out his feelings. I think it is so hard for our kids to have to go to school and hold it together, then come home and do homework. As school takes up so much of his day, he may just be exhausted and not enjoying anything because he has to work so hard while at school.

I might try taking a few days off of homework, look for ways to get ready in AM that are relaxing, let him watch TV while eating, get up earlier yourself so you are all ready and can spend the extra time just focusing on him to help him prepare. Pamper him, even help him get dressed, lower your expectations for awhile. And relax, relax after school.

Think of this as an experiment, looking to see if the school day is just becoming too much for him, as they get older this all gets so much harder, expectations, social cues, schoolwork.

Just my thought. We homeschool our 10 year old ASD boy, and having more time is definitely helpful for us!

yours,

Sara

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 9:54pm
Thanks for your advice. I do think I need to simplify life a little--and you are right about praise. I haven't been giving enough of it where ds is concerned. He does respond to that.
I appreciate your taking the time to answer!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:07pm
Thanks, Paula. You make a good point about the drama becoming a routine. It has. It seems that we go through the same battles night after night... We are considering involving some professional help. My ds is involved with one organization and I am looking into another. I'll let you know how it goes.
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:13pm
That's a really neat way of putting it about fitting more into his life--and I've never really thought of things that way! I have been thinking about trying meds. May I ask what your son takes? Was it for aggression primarily? I often wonder if ds needs something to get him motivated to start tasks. He does have an issue with that in school, and that's a lot of our problem at home. How old were your children when they started meds? My ds is 7, and it seems so young...but I'm at my wits end. If things don't improve somehow, we may do a trial.
Thanks so much for responding.
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:22pm
Thanks for all of the great suggestions. You know, my ds does often ask me to say please... It's such a simple thing, but I'm sure I'm not saying it enough! I've not thought to try the music game! I will do that because he does like little competitions like that. It just may work. I had to laugh when you said your son takes a little animal to school! My ds does EVERY day! It's usually this little persian cat Webkinz...but lately it's been a bear he made at Build A Bear Workshop! His teacher will even let him take them out at recess, which he's happy about...but I've also noticed that he stops at his locker on the way to the bathroom or down the hall just to peek in at his toy. It does seem to help him de-stress.
Thanks for your input!
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:30pm

Hi Sara. You are right on about everything that you mentioned. I know that school is very demanding for him this year. His teacher has very high expectations and is tough. (She's a friend of mine--we've taught together for years--and she's an excellent teacher...but very demanding.) I know he tries really hard to do well in school, and I'll admit that sometimes I do get after him for not doing better work, even though he's a really good student.

I also need to get up earlier so that everything can be less stressful. I've been working hard at trying to do that... I'm on thyroid medication and I'm having a problem with it lately. I'm exhausted in the evenings and I have a very hard time getting up. I think that giving him a little more time to relax in the morning will help. I will take your advice about pampering him a little.

Thanks for your insight!

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