independence vs. ickiness?
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| Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:23am |
So my 4.5 y.o. DD (PDD-NOS) is recently potty trained, and she's VERY proud of herself. It's brought on a newfound independence in her -- suddenly, she doesn't want me to help her with ANYTHING. She goes potty herself, she wipes and washes her hands herself, dresses herself, brushes her teeth herself, etc. I think this is absolutely wonderful, especially since DD has traditionally sought my help with everything she does -- even things she could do perfectly well herself, she refused to do unless I was watching her. So I love that she's wanting to do things by herself. HOWEVER...
1) Sometimes she forgets to wipe, and even when she does wipe she doesn't do a great job.
2) Usually she prefers not to put her clothes back on after sitting on the potty (when we're at home) and proceeds to sit herself down on the couches, chairs, and rugs of our house with a bare bottom. Did I mention that sometimes she forgets to wipe and usually doesn't wipe very well?
3) I'm not sure how thoroughly she's washing her hands since she won't even let me in the bathroom to check up on her.
And on a related note, she's insisting on brushing her teeth by herself (again, without me in the bathroom), and I'm positive that she's not doing an incredibly thorough job.
So my question is... How long do I foster this kind of independent spirit before I say, "OK, this is all well and good, but once or twice a week I have to brush your teeth to make sure they're all clean, and I'm going to need to check up on you to make sure that you're wiping your bottom before sitting naked on the furniture, and before mealtime I need to supervise your hand washing." I *really* want to encourage her to do things on her own, and since she's such a perfectionist, I'm afraid if I start nitpicking her she'll just give up on even trying to do it herself, so I'm willing to let these hygiene issues slide temporarily. But how long can I let them slide for? Anyone else deal with this kind of issue?
Jennifer :)

I would pick one thing to start with and let her be "independent" on the others and then proceed from there. I would also make some small rules around it. For instance, that she must at least wear underwear after she goes potty.
Then enlist some little tricks to help with the other things so she won't even notice your help.
For instance, potty would be a big one for me. I would insist on at least wearing undies. I would likely also do a social story or some way to tell her that I am so proud of her for going herself but mommy just needs to check after to be sure she has wiped completely. Just tell her this is a normal mommy job that all mommy's do. This would be important because if she isn't wiping completely she could get a UTI or other illness.
Handwashing - simple fix. Get some fun foaming kid hand wash with a yummy smell. Makes it fun and easy to wash hands. Then also get hand sanitizer (there are some gentle good smelling ones) for in between. Make a game out of it or do it with her or sneak some way of making her think she is very independent about it. It will probably get her to wash better without her even knowing.
Clothing, I would make a compromise and tell her at home at least ___ is expected and she can do it herself or you can help her. That gives her the choice to be independent but gives you the chance to make a limit. Depending. If you are comfortable with her in the house nakey and it isn't an issue out side that would be each up to thier individual preference. HOwever, at her age I would be concerned of it moving into a being naked in other places, going outside naked or perhaps having some sales man show up and she is naked. Unfortunately (being honest here) our kids are easy targets for predators when they get older. Teaching modesty and appropriate dress from an early age will be important. I know my mike likes to travel the house in his boxers and for years my kids would pop out of thier rooms undressed so I understand, but I also know modesty isn't something that comes naturally. Our rule for Mike is has has to at least have shorts on and they have to dress in thier rooms or bathrooms with the door closed.
On teeth, well, if she will eat apples and calcium and has flouride you may be ok. Maybe getting a spin brush will help. My kids aren't the best brushers either but they rarely get cavities anymore. We don't have sugar, sodas, and eat an organic diet with lots of calcium. That has helped. Cait's orthodontist is going nuts because of Cait's bad brushing. She does it daily but doesn't have the motor skills, especially with braces. I don't want to do it for her because it is embarrassing for her. But she has had no cavities at all so I am not too worried.
Renee
HTH
Renee
Hi Jennifer,
Renee had some great ideas. I just wanted to say we are going through a similar independent phase. I know what you mean, it's encouraging to see, but you have to figure out how to guide them at the same time.
Eric is also 4.5. His favorite phrase lately is, "I need some privacy please." When he is in the bathroom. Fortunately, we don't have the run around naked problem. In fact, Eric still calls for help wiping after a bm, but he has to have privacy prior. So I don't have that problem. Do you have those kids wet wipes? (kind of like baby wipes but for the older set?) That is helping Eric with wiping, but he still needs help and accepts it so far.
I did have the hand washing problem and solved it like Renee. We got the foaming hand wash as well as the hand sanitizer. Now Eric loves to wash his hands and frankly almost takes a bath! He scrubs all the way up to his elbows! LOL!
As for dressing, Eric wants to dress himself and his fashion choices are, shall we say, unique! I used to to give him 2 outfit options to choose from, but now he wants to do it all himself. I let him wear what he wants at home and if we are not going somewhere important. I used to tell him things had to "match" but he took that literallly and thought he should wear a red shirt and red pants. So I changed it to "coordinate" and we play little games about it, so he is learning. But I'm pretty casual about that.
For teeth brushing, I have the same problem. I did get a Spiderman electric toothbrush and he likes the vibration, so at least he does it longer. His problem is he hates the taste of toothpaste and the sensation of the foam in his mouth. My struggle is to get him to use toothpaste. He would just use water if left on his own.
Just letting you know you are not alone, but congratulations to you and your DD on the potty training!
Katherine
Thanks Renee and Katherine! You've given me some great ideas.
Renee, that's a *really* good point about teaching modesty early on. Sylvia tends to get panicky if she gets a drop of water on her shirt and she will try to rip her shirt off no matter where we are (grocery store, a friend's house, school, etc.) So she clearly doesn't "get" the modesty thing yet. I think a social story would be a great idea. (I have so many social stories to write!!!)
We do have the foaming handsoap -- the problem is that Sylvie hates getting any water on her sleeves, shirt, etc., so she tends to be very tentative when washing. Plus she mainly likes to study how the foam looks on her hands rather than actually scrubbing! But maybe we can practice, and make it a fun game or something. And I think you're right, that I should just make it a habit to use sanitizing gel on her hands regularly, just to make sure.
I'll try the electric toothbrush, too. She's VERY sensory seeking orally, so that might be a good thing. But she hates having things way in the back of her mouth... So she does great brushing the front of her teeth, but not the molars. And unfortunately, our water isn't flouridated, and she can't spit yet so we don't like using flouride toothpaste. BUT she does eat a very low-sugar diet, lots of fruit and crunchy veggies... She also has really good spacing between her teeth, so food doesn't really get stuck in there, so I guess I'll let that one go for a little while, at least until we have the potty hygiene mastered...
Thanks for all the help!!!
Jennifer
Using water is fine. Just make sure he gets his flouride treatment at the dentist and some other flouride. The biggest part of toothbrushing is the scrubbing. You can forgo toothpaste all together actually.
Renee
You can get bottled water for kids that is flouridated as well.
Don't over do flouride. If you get treatments from the dentist and some flouride in water I wouldn't do toothpaste. Cait had flouride in her vitamins, water and toothpast when little. I was told to do this and thought it the right thing to do. She had spots on her teeth from it. After her braces are done we will likely have to do a bleaching or something to get rid of it.
They are fading though and aren't terrible so I will let it stick.
Add too much flouride to my list of what I did wrong to my kids to mess up thier neurons.
Renee
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"He also likes to just keep his undoes and pants off and go around 1/2 naked. I wonder why they like that so much?"
Because they are uninhibited by our sense of modesty. Awe common honey, if it wasn't for our modesty and social unease with nudity who wouldn't want to go about all "Free". I for one wouldn't mind in the hot summer heat just letting the girls hang out! LOL
Renee
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