Inequity?
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| Thu, 09-08-2005 - 6:17pm |
We are having some behavioural issues with Peter here, with all the changes recently.
So today he was punished, and after he was released from his room, he perseveated about the punishment and his anger for some time. One coment struck me: "You love Siobhan more than me because I'm always a bad boy and Siobhan is always a good girl." Naturally, I corrected this statement immediately, but the truth remains that in this house, good behaviour gets praised and bad behaviour gets punished. Siobhan doesn't have behavior issues and is generally "good". Therefore, Siobhan is praised far more and punished far less than Peter. I guess he noticed. :(
So what should I do? Raise the behaviour bar for Siobhan and lower it for Peter? That doesn't seem right, especially as she is younger. However his behaviour isn't always a choice, so it is kind of pointless to leave the ball in his court.
Any ideas?
-Paula

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We have that problem here as well on multiple levels. My husband has a good quote, "fairness isn't everyone getting the same, it is everyone getting what they need".
I don't think you should "lower" the bar for Peter. Innappropriate behavior is innappropriate behavior and consequated appropriately, but perhaps he needs more frequent reinforcement for what he does well. While Siobhan may get praised for some project or being helpful, he will get praised for not arguing during a particular thing. What he gets praised for maybe is lowered.
Big thing is Catch him being good. What ever he is good at. Try to make your praise more than redirection.
Another thought is lower expectations. Not that he can hit but what is causing the behavior? For instance in our house things like chores are tough. I can't have the same expectations for Cait as I do Mike as I do Emily as I do Dave. So if it is thier turn to dry the dishes they are each expected to do what they can do, not what their siblings can do. So Mike and Dave may get rewarded for drying only the non breakable unsharp items and putting them on the counter where Cait is expected to put them away, kwim? Dave does a minimal checklist with pictures since he can't read. Mike is expected to make his bed daily because he always has and can, where as Cait can't remember that in the morning and it would be ridiculus to expect it.
Renee
This might not be helpful and I certainly don't have the experience to back it up. But recently, I have had to work with the boys on behaviors. The psych had mentioned multiple times to refer to the action as bad or good and not the child as good boy and bad boy. Because they supposedly are always "good" boys with such and such behavior at that particular time. Maybe you already do that, but it might help him not to compare to his sister so much. Renee, I like your husbands line about fairness. I will keep that one in my spare pocket for when it's needed.
Paula, glad to see you back on the board again--Valerie
Renee,
Some good thoughts there. I'll have a think about how I can change things around. Sometimes I know he feel targeted, but he has to be; for example when they fight, and they are both at fault, I *have* to address him first, because he is usually on (or over) the edge of aggression.
Maybe in future I will try to remove her, and speak to her first, because usually by the time I get to correcting her, Peter has stalked away in a huff...
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Val,
I *never* use "bad boy" or "bad girl". I sometimes use "good boy" or "good girl" (and rarely; "good kids" LOL). I will change that. Whenever I am angry at Peter and he tells me I hate him; I respond that always I love him, but will not accept x behaviour.
I don't compare them directly (I was always compared to my sisters and one was such a goody-goody!). I wll often comment on someone's good behavior to remind the other. Usually it's "Peter is eating his dinner very nicely" -because he eats well, and the princess usually spends mealtimes in la-la land.
Although she gives as good as she gets: "Am I eating nicely too?", whereas he will not think to prompt for praise.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
i hope you didn't think that i was implying you were doing anything wrong! i just know that it's something that i have had to work on cause it is so easy to say good boy instead of good job. i'm not sure i think it's as important as she makes it, but just something i have heard.
valerie
Paula,
This------->Sometimes I know he feel targeted, but he has to be; for example when they fight, and they are both at fault, I *have* to address him first, because he is usually on (or over) the edge of aggression.-----------
Liza
"Sometimes I know he feel targeted, but he has to be; for example when they fight, and they are both at fault, I *have* to address him first, because he is usually on (or over) the edge of aggression"
I agree too Paula. Safety is first and if that is were the safety is, then that is what you need to do.
You are a great mom and always come up with the great ideas once you bounce it in your head for a while. I guess the biggest thing I was thinking was catch him being good at what he is good at. Definitely, bad behavior needs to be addressed and good behavior awarded so it is easier for Siobhan to get the praise. Just working on different things I guess. Maybe try to make sure you praise him just as much even if you have to praise him for smaller things or different things.
Try looking at it another way. If he were in school and he was the difficult child in class how would you want it handled? The was you are doing it or differently? Maybe looking at it in a more objective way will help. I don't know but I know you will figure it out. You always do.
Renee
Lisa,
It's scary enough for me sometimes, but my two are only 21 mos, 2.5 inches and 4lbs apart, so she can hold her own pretty well. I can only imagine how you feel.
Next time, (if the situation isn't out of hand) I am going to try to remove her to another room and speak to her. I have a feeling Peter will just follow, perseverating like a madman, but I will try it and let you know how I get on.
(((hugs)))
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Val,
No offense taken ;)
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Ya know, I forgot before. Have you read "The Explosive CHild"? I held out for a really long time then finally did it. It had some really great advice in that book. It is one I really liked for this stuff and how to deal with it. Also has a great view of these kids with behavior issues.
Renee
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