Inform other parents?
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| Fri, 06-01-2007 - 9:16am |
Hey all,
I have a question for you...
How much do you inform other parents / students regarding your child's dx & what it means? Being new to this I just don't know. My daughter is pretty out there about the AS. She tells everyone. The other students have reacted well to this. They have befriended her, watched out for her etc...but the parents, oh my. She looks like everyone else so most of them don't know and they consistantly say things like "my son would be getting a better education if he wasn't in class with so many special needs children (3 out of 21)" (which we all know isn't true). Last night I was out with some friends and aquantances in the neighborhood (all of whom know about the dx). One of the new moms (has a kindy) asked if I thought any of the teachers should be avoided. I said yes because all of the parents 9th grade down either love or hate her...she has favorites if your child isn't one of them it's bad. One of my friends has a daughter who is her favorite but she seconded this opinion. Another mom leaned across the table and got VERY aggressive with me and went on a rant about how the children get out of the teacher what the parents are willing to put into the class in the form of volunteering and support with discipline. She went on and on about this. I have to say that I was very bristled. This teacher was actually verbally abusive of my child (of course this mom doesn't know that). Since when do parents actually expect teachers to favor their children in exchage fr class volunteers? I found this comment absurd! She went on and on about how she is head room mom etc... and said that if I had been there more my expericnce with this teacher sould have been better (neither of her kids have had her). Our children have never been in the same class together (yet) but I can see it coming and I can feel the storm brewing. Of course, since my daughter was dxd at the end of that year and having severe panic attacks at school I was there every other day helping in the class, taking care of her, etc. I know that because of the accomidations (physically and behaviorally) that are made for the AS the parents think I am "interfering with discipline and my daughter is a burden in the class". They think she is badly behaved, nothing is wrong and all of these accomidations are crutches. None of the gen ed teachers here are required to take any special ed classes. Most of them don't even know what AS is until she is in the classroom. My advocacy for my daughter is allienating both of us in some way because of the ignorance of the teachers, principle (who says the dx is nothing but an excuse for lack of effort & bad behavior) and parents. This is an obvious example of why mainstreaming is good for gen ed. The students are more embracing and tolerant than the parents.
Do I try to educate these people? If so how? Have you gone down this road?
Cassie

Cassie,
My son was in fulltime special ed until this year so most of the parents I was in touch with (until very recently) knew and understood.
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
To the mom who well thought playing teacher's pet helps her kid.
I have told people about Josh's dx depending on who it was, I feel it helps them understand Josh more and to help them realize that he just can't help himself sometimes. I know as kids get older they do have less tolerance for Josh then when they were younger and Sometimes I do see Josh taking more of the loner role at times by choice. Just because he prefers the adults and he just has his own thing.
But I do remember a couple of years ago. We had a neighbor with a son the same age as Josh but 2x the size. The kid was a bully. And he had no problem bullying Josh. The problem was that apple did not fall too far from its tree. The woman initially came off as very friendly and all but if you spoke ill of her son or told he r he did something wrong we were the liars. Not her son.
But her son was also popluar in school. I should say he would be okay and get invited to sleep overs(pushed by his mom, single parent) and parties. Josh of course wasn't. Josh never had issues with this. But he did have issues over getting kicked while on his bicycle and The kid's mom not believing us. The kid would pick on Josh and the other kids on the block. But this was before we knew what was up with Josh. other than the fact he was immature, talked too much etc came off a little slower than the other kids.
My DH had no tolerance for this woman. Finally after the child was caught by an adult kicking Josh on the bicycle the mother had to finally face it. But the problem was my DH in talking to the other guy said things he probably should not have. Also he said the kids on the block should be told if this kid was bullying them that they should talk to the adults etc. The mother took this as a threat against her son.
When this woman and I had words over this. One of the things she said and I still can'tr beleive she said it was. My kid(Josh) was slow and unpopular and her son was popular etc who would people belive. My jaw dropped.
Funny thing. As time went on. More people caught on to this woman's game and realized she lied threw her teeth. Had no problem with her son picking on other kids and even stood back while her son beat up another kid on the block. She did move though last year so our lives are much better. And now we have a dx for josh. But if she had known it it would not have changed her attitude because Josh was a good scapegoat. And I could tell you other stories but just realize some people are idiots no matter what.
Rina
Hi Cassie,
I agree with both of the previous lovely posters. Esp. this statement by Rina: "some people are idiots no matter what". Too true. And I was so thinking that already by your description of the woman leaning over the table going on and on, ie. not listening, etc. Run screaming. This is a woman to be avoided and I highly think I would react by not bothering to try educating her ot even getting to know her much better....
Need-to-know basis is true here, too, but we don't have too many mainstreaming situations and we now homeschool and do group activities with understanding people, so we are among friends. My son is a cool kid and his autism isa part of that. If there is a situation or relationship where that information is necessary, no problems sharing! But otherwise whether or not he wants people to know is really up to him and I tend to leave that choice to him. It's personal.
Teachers, of course, need to be educated and there is law that covers this. You can demand your legal right to have an autism expert work with each teacher, there should be noone working with your child who doesn't understand the dx and have a plan to follow. our children should not have to be left to fend for themselves without proper support in order to get the education they are entitled to.
Oh, and welcome to the board!
Sara
ilovemalcolm
Thank you so much for all of your advice. I know some people aren't going to budge no matter what. I just struggle sometimes as to whether or not I should do more to advocate for my child to the other parents. Putting this whole thing in perspective though, the people who know me and my family advocte for us as well. They know that I am a no nonsence mom and this isn't a "spoiled brat" or uninvolved parent thing. I should take comfort in that!
Thank you for the advice regarding the ASD specialist. We have one at our school but she hasn't really gotten involved in educating the teachers. She is very warm and approchable. I will talk to her about this. I just found out who my daughter's 3rd grade teacher will be and she is great! We already have a wonderful relationship, she was the teacher for one of my other children. She is always eager to learn and actually holds "family meetings" in her class every Friday morning to help the kids share feelings, concerns etc... She is very structured but is carefull not to put on the pressure and is incredibly nurturing. Next year will only get better.
I will just check that woman off of our social list and be done with it.
Thanks for your support!
Cassie
Yep!
Welcome to the board, Cassie.
This is a great thread.
Oh Cassie, I feel for you.
First, you can have good teachers and BAD teachers. The good ones should be paid as much as doctors and lawyers. The bad ones should be fired. But you know thats not gonna happen....
That woman was a BULLY! Over-bearing and Over-controlling. You need to step back and IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE. Protect yourself and your dd.
What did the other mothers say in your defense? Did they shut there mouth out of fear?
That woman doesn't know anything. She doesn't know the research, the doctors, the blood and tears you have put into your child, the compassion and understanding you give your child. She just doesn't know.
I can't stand people who shout off opinions without researching things themselves. They just go by with what they "think" they know, or what they were taught growing up.
I went thru this with my SIL. She kept on telling me about Autism (from what she knew about a boy who was severely on the spectrum. My son is higher functioning). She would tell me what she believes, arguing with me, but at the same time saying "but don't listen to me, cuz I really don't know..." and then going back to, "He will just grow out of it" and he will be okay.....
ARGHHHHHH
Some people, as hard as it maybe, you need to step back and say ENOUGH with your gibberish.
This woman is a bully. Plain and simple. You need to say ENOUGH and get her out of your life.. There is no telling her anything. She seems set in her ways and will not change her mind.
Once you feel you have power to control your life, and sluff off this type of person the better. Me I can't do that to my SIL, (who I have to say I love her anyway, even if she makes me mad lol) but I have a feeling, she reacted that way because she has a grown son that did the same things Chris does now.....)
Anyway, you have no reason to connect with that woman (I wanted to call her something else, but I think I would be in trubble hehehehe)
But I'm glad you sounded off here. We all know this kinda stuff, and it makes us mad at times, and it's important you let it out :)
Lainie