Inlaws don't want son

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Inlaws don't want son
16
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 10:40am

First I have to thank Nora and Christine for brightening my morning. Those nice stories really helped to begin to turn around my mood.

But I am so angry at my inlaws I could spit. Some of the poor folks here were chatting with me when they called and got the blunt of my rage but it is back this am.

DH and I have had plans for months to go to DC next weekend. We asked the folks way in advance to split up the kids and watch them for us. My Inlaws said they would take either group of kids and even last weekend were talking to my mom about switching 1/2 way through the weekend so everyone got time to spend with everyone else. I planned on them having Mike and Emily first since Cait has tons of activities right now and my mom lives close to her school and knows the schedule. I don't know if the inlaws clearly heard who was getting who. They often don't hear when you talk to them at all and then claim you never told them. You have to make a big, very clear, announcement on everything.

Well last night my inlaws call to get details and ask who they are getting and they drop the bomb on me. They don't think they can handle Mike for the weekend. They don't want him over. I am so pissed I could spit nails. I already told Mike he is going there. HOW THE HECK do I explain this one to him?

Then they drop another bomb, MIL has some talk AGAIN (religous thing) on Sunday afternoon so they are dropping their kids off at my moms for her to watch until we get home. My mom was planning on picking us up from the airport but she doesn't have room in her car if she has all 4 kids. So now DH and I have to drive to the airport and leave our car in long term parking.

They do this crap ALL THE DANG TIME which is why we never go anywhere. It is not fair to try and get my mom to watch all 4 for that long but she is the only one who can watch or will watch my kids. She is THE ONLY one obviously who can take Mike (and I am so glad I have her for this, before she moved here 3 years ago there was no one).

Here is the difference, my mom watches my kids every time i have a class or IEP meeting. Often just takes one of them overnight because she wants too but always makes sure to take every one of them one night if she takes one. She offered to drive us to the airport, feed and take out my dogs AND watch the kids for the weekend. My inlaws can only handle the 2 easiest and only for part of the weekend.

Ok, enough ranting I guess. They always make off like I don't let them see their grandkids but the only one they ever WANT to see is Emily. They will sometimes (rarely) offer take Dave or Cait in addition to Emily but never Mike. They tell me they will help out but always back out last minute when I ask them to babysit. Some religous thing always comes up or they are too tired that day. This is even for things like IEP meetings or class. And they wonder why my mom sees them more.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr

Renee

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Avatar for maresgood
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 8:10pm
Renee, my inlaws live in Bakersfield & haven't been here to San Diego in several YEARS.They watched my dd's 1 time when we went to Mexico for our #5 anniversary! They were packed & ready to go home as soon as we walked in the door. We are married 18 yrs now. They never offered to watch my dd's after that. They make us stay @ a hotel when we go visit them which is about 2 times a year. My kids have no relationship w/them. Don't get me started on them. My FIL is an undiagnosed Aspie so he would melt down & couldn't handle the noise of kids being around. My SIL lives in Pasadena & they never watched her daughter either except for maybe once too so it wasn't just my kids. Your mom sounds like a gem & you are blessed to have her nearby! Your inlaws sound like mine~useless for the most part. Enjoy the trip to D/C despite them. Take Care~ Mary Ann
Avatar for manda28
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 9:12pm

Renee,

I am so sorry to hear about this problem! I wish I knew a good way to handle it with Mike. I can't believe they would put you in such a position with him, much less jeopardize your trip. We moms and dads handle spectrum issues/behavior every day, and they can't handle two days?

Like many on this board, I have my own inlaw issues. My MIL used to be awesome about watching Aaron. We only asked maybe once or twice per month, and often just waited for her to ask us if she could watch him. He was such a difficult, tantruming baby and toddler, and she was the only relief we got. My parents are of little help due to some complicated family issues and severe health problems. Even at that my dad still tries to take him for a few hours, or take him to martial arts for me when he is able.

Two years ago, my SIL added a beautiful new baby to their family that already included a toddler son from a previous relationship. Suddenly, MIL is their 40 hour per week daycare. So anytime DH and I asked for ANY help, which we tried to do even less often, given the MIL was already watching kids all week.... FIL would make snide comments like WE were the ones taking up too much of MIL's time with kids. Aaron has not spent the night at grandma's house since he was FOUR, and that was only because baby sister was having day surgery very early the next morning. My daugher has never had a sleepover at grandmas.

Recently, dh's grandmother required a trip to the ER and admission to the hospital. My inlaws were on vacation, so he took her there and stayed all night while they got her settled. He had to call in last minute to work, something that is VERY difficult at his company. He has been sick himself a lot this spring, and is on shaky ground with his work attendance. A couple of weeks later, they were again on a trip, and I took dh's grandma to a dr appt. I really don't mind at all, when my kids are settled elsewhere and dh isn't having to make a bad work situation worse.

We have not had a kid-free vacation in nearly 7 years. We scheduled a cruise for next year, and my MIL kindly agreed to watch my kids then. FIL told me, "I owed him," when he found out they were doing this. After all they do as far as watching SIL's kids, and helping her other ways, and I get grief for scheduling time with them a YEAR in advance? I had to bite my tongue so hard I thought it would fall off!

Amanda, mom to Aaron, 6 and Madeline, 3

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 10:13pm

Hi Renee,

I am so sorry that your inlaws(you can call them outlaws) are being foolish. If mike is happy with the change than I would just brush them off for a little bit. I think that it is so great that you are your dh are getting away together. I would really try to enjoy your time away just the two of you in a hotel room ;.) Hopefully you had time to shop . I really think that it is dh parents loss and mike will have a more enjoyable time at your moms.Try really hard to just relax and be childless. It's even better with your dh! Have a lovely trip .

Jackie~

 


Jackie~  Jacob , Dylan-James, &

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 10:57pm

Dang wish I could reply to all.

Thank you all for your support. My mom was a peach and made the changes no problem. Then she went to the grocery store and bought Mike and Emily's favorite foods for their visit. Then proceeded to look up what movies are coming out and she plans on taking them swimming, to the movies, and out to dinner when they are over. These are all preferred activities for Mike (as long as it is a restaurant that is acceptable, lol). She is having me bring over his video game console and I am renting some movies for them. He should be ALL SET, lol.

I told Mike about the change and he didn't even question why and actually seemed very releived. Like DH said, he knows why and probably is a lot less stressed because he is more comfortable with my mom.

Cait is WAY bummed however. She REALLY wanted to stay at my moms. The excuse I came up with for the others basically blames Cait and her screwy schedule so I told her the truth seperately. She is really great about keeping things private if I ask her too and she is maturing so I felt she had earned my honesty. It helped her a bit understand why she had to go there instead. I will make sure she has a good movie or 2 to take to her grandparents too. Maybe I should send Harry Potter (j/k, my inlaws think HP is evil).

There we are, it will work out. It will probably be less stressful all around with him at my moms but I am really ticked at them still.

My mom also remembers my MIL specifically OKing having Mike last weekend. We even talked about how it would be better to keep it more quiet and not have the cousins over a lot.

Oh, Maryann, My inlaws watch ALLLLLL the other grandkids ALLLL the time. IN fact that is one of the big problems Cait had. She said, Mom they watch N. ALL the time and he is more autistic than Mike. that was a tough one to explain but she kind of got it. N. is the token child. Pretty classic autie but verbal and very sweet/easy going. When he gets rigid or upset because he looks different not as much is expected. If he stims it is cute, when Mike stims he is being weird.

Ah well, at least I got mom and I am still going.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 11:42pm

Harry Potter is Evil.....

LOL Doit Doit Doit!

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Registered: 09-13-2006
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 12:38am

Renee,


I didn't get a chance to respond to your initial post,

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