"It's just a phase"

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Registered: 07-24-2003
"It's just a phase"
17
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 12:24am

Do you hear that a lot? Did you hear that early on? I haven't discussed many of my concerns about my nearly 3 year old daughter with anyone except my husband/her daddy. However, when I do try to ask one of those "is this normal?" questions of someone (like my mother) I always get "It's just a phase. She's fine!" She can't fall asleep unless she's under a piece of furniture...It's just a phase. She cannot whisper...It's just a phase. She throws about 40 tantrums a day...It's just a phase. She has not yet managed to successfully complete a two step direction....She's only 3! She repeats everything I say...Phase. Spent more than 3 months being a dog...PHASE. Still barks at strangers...phase. Unbreakable rituals?....You're too accomodating of her. Just say no. Did I mention the tantrums? They are REALLY loud.

Now, I'll grant you I'm a first time mom and I know way less about early childhood behavior than I do about Unix. Maybe I'm just hyper sensitive and prone to over-analysis (actually, that's not even a maybe. I am). However, I see her with other children. I'm not raising her in a vaccuum. She has regular playmates, and we do community activities. My daughter just behaves...differently. I just want to give her what she needs to be happy and successful.

Still, my parents (for one) are really defensive on her behalf and are somehow upset that I'm even planning on having her evaluated in early September. I'm not even sure what I'll tell them if we get a diagnosis.

Mary

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 1:00am

Oh yes, definitely.

Ok, kind of silly, but have you ever seen the show "who's line is it anyway?". They had a skit on there where the guys were given a theme and they had to come up with songs for this theme and promote an album via one of those infomercial type things.

I can see it now. "Yes, you too can own popular songs of 'When parents are concerned about thier kids development and everyone else thinks thier crazy". The first song is "It's just a phase". Lovely little ditty, followed by "All kids develop differently", "they will grow out of it". "Your just looking for things that aren't there".

Part 2 of this collection is "when others notice the parents aren't crazy but blame the kids development on poor parenting", With the good old staples "If only you...", "you baby him", and of course our favorite "give her to me for a week and I'll fix her".

Sorry to make light of it. It is frustrating I know. Been there. Even after diagnosis when the kids were young, there are many well meaning friends and family who are trying to be supportive, maybe a little to helpful and are in denial for one reason or another. I'll never forget a friend I had when Cait was about 5 who told me "but my nephew didn't talk at all until he was 5 and he is fine. Don't you think you are just pushing it and should let her be a kid?" This was after Cait was in special ed for 2 years and diagnosed for a year.

Finally, just this past year I sent out emails to all my inlaws again explaining the kids diagnosis, thier schooling, the supports they recieve, and what they needed from family. I had explained it all before but they all "forgot" or claimed they never heard it. They heard it they just didn't believe it before. Now the kids are older and it is more noticable that they are different. Also, though we get together with our families often they still see the kids for snippets of time and didn't have a full understanding of how they were. I was very clear about the special classes. That they both have 1:1 aides, and the difficulties they have in school. That really concrete objective explanation helped.

I mention this because I hope if you get an evaluation for your dd and have the paperwork and objective information about her differences they may be more likely to understand or at least accept it. My mom lived near us when Cait was diagnosed and my inlaws were cross country. My mom saw early on the challenges and I had shared with her all the information about Cait's delays. She even came with me to a few of the testings for the kids so she was able to understand early on. If you give your family the "data" perhaps that will help.

Renee

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Registered: 04-15-2004
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 3:22am

I second all the aformentioned phrases! I am still hearing most of them despite the fact that we have a neurotypical 13 yo dd. Our ds (9yo ASD with anxiety and poor social skills) has always been odd, needs concrete instruction on almost all social activities, melts down on a regular basis, and has the maximum help given in public school in our area - we finally got the school to consider an aide for next year! - praise God! Add "boys will be boys" to the list and you have my life!

Trust your instincts - if your experiance is different from your friends - you MUST get your kid checked out. And get the help you need.

Please keep us posted on how things are going.

Paula G. (and Joel)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 9:19am

Yes, there is alot of denial that goes on among grandparents, other relatives, friends, and sometimes even the other parent.

Pat

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. --

Avatar for njbeachma
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Registered: 08-22-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 9:54am

Wow, does that take me back to last year when I was hearing the same thing. You ARE doing the right thing,let me assure you. YOU are her mom, you know her best, 1st time mom or not. My only regret is not getting him the care I KNEW he needed at 2 instead of 3 1/2 because I listened to those people. When DS was dx'd I was so relieved that I wasn't crazy and there was something proactive I could do to help him.

Hang in there!
Shelley

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Registered: 02-20-2001
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 10:02am
I can completely empathize with you!!

 


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Registered: 09-15-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 11:27pm

Mary,

I think a grandparent's denial often lasts longer than a parents. Since they don't live with the child it is usually easier for them to feel things are A-ok. I have tried saying things like "It won't hurt to get an evaluation.....if nothing is wrong than that is exactly what they will tell us" or "We just want some information about how to address her weaknesses" or "I would rather err on the side of caution..." Even better, how about "I have to do what I believe is best for her but I am so thankful to have parents that supports me."

One thing I learned when my mom died is that everyone deals with grief differently - in varying ways and at different rates. Yet, everyone must honor their own grieving process. I feel there is definitely grieving when you learn a child has a developmental disorder. I think it is important for everyone to respect that another person might not be in the same place at the same time (in terms of acceptance and grieving). So, try and give them the information and then let them come to terms with it in their own way and time. (As long as they are not being critical of you.)

Remember, we can all relate to your struggles. You are always welcome to vent here. :)
Chrissy

Avatar for betz67
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 7:01am

we got exactly this kind of thing w/ our son. We didn't even persue evaluation until 1st grade, and then we were told he just had a speech problem. We finally have a Dx and Weston is now in 4th grade and almost 9 yrs old. I think pushing for answers at a young age is important because early intervention can make a huge difference. We lost many years of therapy that could have moved him much higher on the spectrum. Follow your instincts and do everything you can to help her live a normal life!

Betsy

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Registered: 12-24-2004
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 8:50am

Oh Mary! It is actually therapeutic at this point for me to answer your question. Here I was with a PHD in developmental psych, trained to assess children under 3 yrs of age, well versed in brain development and what is normal, having taught numerous courses about raising children and what is "normal."

I got the same treatment you are getting now, however. Our first pediatrician just wanted to wait until age 2 before sending us off to any specialists. My MIL was the worst, thinking she had all this experience from raising (not really very well) 2 boys. MIL has a GED and no jobs that gave her any experience with children. Her constant comments that DS would "grow out of _____" created a very bad rift between us. We had actually had a pretty good relationship for over 14 years, but since DS was born, things have not been good between us, and this is entirely due to her persistent advice-giving in the first 2 yrs of DS's life. From what I heard through the family grapevine, it took several other family members and friends telling her directly to quit interfering to get her off our backs. Only in the past year (5 yrs later) is she ready to receive some information about what autism is, what DS needs, how to work most productively with him, etc.

So, yes, I can totally relate to where you are coming from, and from what I have seen in the other responses, there are plenty of others here who feel the same way.

Suzi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 9:33am

Since we are talking about comments for others this is the worst one to me..In second grade from his principal of the school..."he is just a bully, he needs a good spanking" and then went on to say..."you should get some parenting classes"....left me HATEING this man for the next 4 yrs......I would not even goto him I would goto the asst principal or student advisor. My mother even went to the school and had words with him. ANYWAYS...my parents have always been excepting and supportive of ds dx. It is my dh that has problems with it-we are working on it though.

Liza

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 9:55am

Oh now Liza, that sounds like Cait's first grade teacher (3 years after diagnosis) who insisted that Cait didn't have autism cause SHE used to teach kids with emotional disturbance so she KNEW these things.

Rather what Cait needed was "consistency" at home and "rules" and she would be fine. That she would fix Cait by making her do things and setting higher standards. During her 2 months with this woman she was re-evaluated and the psychologist came up with "conduct disorder" from the information she got from Cait's teacher. In those 2 months Cait regressed 3 years behaviorally and socially and I pulled her out of the class and homeschooled her for the remainder of the year. I am a good Catholic girl so I must forgive, but this is a woman I have a hard time not hating still 5 years later.

Renee

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