Jealous of NT neighbors (bit of a vent)

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Registered: 03-31-2003
Jealous of NT neighbors (bit of a vent)
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Sat, 07-09-2005 - 5:34am

From my kitchen window, I can see our neighbors coming and going. They have two girls, 7 and 9, and a 2 year old boy. They are always playing happily outside with each other and their equally perfect, happy cousins next door. Smiling, high energy grandparents take the girls, and many hours later they come home, happily exhausted from a day of fishing, shopping, or going to a museum.

The girls go inside for dinner when they are called, and I bet they sit at the table and use forks. Three years ago, I saw the then-four-year-old daughter sit on a bench and eat a GREEN SALAD, WITH A FORK, and then PUT THE BOWL IN THE HOUSE. I was blown away.

I can't take my boys shopping for more than the most basic errand. We can't go to restaurants or anything. If we go near other human beings, my 3.5 year old blows raspberries at them and shouts, "You're stupid!", and my 7 year old does something equally embarrassing. I have to twist their arms to get them to even go to a playground. The grandparents either stay for five minutes "because your couch hurts my back" and then leave, or relive the Vietnam War for six hours, completely ignoring the kids. We can't even eat a meal at our house without someone freaking out because there is something on the plate that is actually found in nature. I can't talk on the phone while the kids play happily outside, because my kids pull flowers off common area bushes and fling mudpies onto the sidewalk.

Today, it was beautiful outside, so I left the door open for some air. Somehow, dirty laundry, and lunch plates kept appearing on the floor for all the world to see. Other people somehow manage to keep that stuff in it's proper place.

Ugh! I just needed to vent. It just isn't fair. I love my boys, I really do. And I know I'm a supermom. We all are, here; we've got to be. I sure could use a few easy days, though. A few days where everyone enjoys life and cleans up after themselves.

Evelyn

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Registered: 10-24-2003
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 10:31am

I can understand that jealousy - I expect it hits most of us from time to time.

Pat

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. --

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 10:46am

Oh, I have been there too. I bet all of us have. It is all around us everyday, sometimes you just gotta get jealous. In the store where you see families where thier kids just stand next to them and wait nicely. Parks and trips where the kids are having fun and all listening together, etc. The one that is killing me is a neighbor 1 street over we know from school. The perfect family. She is troup leader. They have a pool and have kids over all the time. The daughter in Cait's class was one leaders of the class. Teacher's pet, popular, etc. Where Cait is house sitting, this family lives right behind. While Cait is running the sprinklers she can see all the kids over swimming in the pool and she knows she hasn't been invited.

I think we should start a fictious thread for fun. One where we share all kinds of stories of our perfect days, lol.

Ya know I do think it has to go to that grass is greener kind of thing. I am sure many of those families have thier struggles too that we don't know about. Ours just tend to be more public than others I guess.

I love my kids as they are too, but sometimes I wish things were just a bit easier.

Renee

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Registered: 02-24-2004
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 11:25am

Yeah, I get that feeling all the time. We know this other couple, who has 2 boys too. One is in Nathan's class and the other is just a year older. They do lots of things. Both boys are in baseball, they go snow skiing, to the river for a day of fun (with other families). We once ran into them at the store, and they had TRADED kids for the day, with another family. WOW!! People do that??? Things that just aren't possible for us to do. We can take Nathan out to restuarants....that is now...couldn't before. Shopping can be challenging. But making those last minute plans to do something.....or plan to do something ALL DAY.....doesn't always go well.

Tyler loves last minute plans....anything adventurous or exciting. It's hard on him sometimes, when we can't. We try to mix things up, to teach Nathan how to be flexible. It has worked somewhat. Going out to restuarants is nice. I like taking them to the park to play, but it's so hard to watch. And Nathan usually needs things to stay routine for him. So no matter what we do, we still have to make sure everything is just so....or else!!!

We also have 2 boys who live next door. They play ball outside TOGETHER. Something Nathan won't do, he doesn't like sports or other "boy" type games....too rough for him! Tyler still keeps trying though! They go camping, boating, all kinds of things. It's also hard listening to other 6yr olds talk. Clear sentences. And they go on and on. Nathan only gives short answers, usually doesn't want to talk.

Things haven't been that great this summer. It's been real hard for him. I'm sure all these boxes in the house, are not helping!! I'm hoping that once we're in the bigger house, he'll have more space and be able to put all of his toys where HE wants!!!

Michelle

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Registered: 12-24-2004
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 12:25pm

Evelyn,

I can TOTALLY relate to your vent. I feel so much envy of parents of NT kids. One of the things that bothers me most is the seemingly petty behavioral infractions that parents of NT's scold their kids for. I mean NT kids get badgered about things like looking at you the wrong way, using a tone of voice that doesn't please the parents, holding a toy the wrong way, getting food on their faces and hands, making a polite request for something the parents don't want to buy, having a conversation with a stranger while Mom/Dad is present, etc., etc., etc. The list just goes on and on.

Just a few hours without a major breakdown is a treat for us these days. A conversation, especially with an unknown adult, would be a cause for huge celebrations and many phonecalls to grandparents. I cannot let Cassian out of our house without supervision because he would wander off and get lost, and he does not have good awareness of traffic. His grandmother bought him a tricycle, but we had her take it back. He would probably kill or injure himself on anything with wheels at this point - - he is so hyperfocussed and tends to look down at his feet and the ground while pedalling.

Things we rejoice about these days are: he is finally toilet trained at age 5.5; he is starting to try some new foods (french toast, egg and cheese sandwich, lasagne, watermelon, peanut butter and jelly sandwich); he takes his medication willingly; he is starting to really understand the token economy we have set up; he goes to sleep in his own bed by himself.

People no longer look at Cassian like he is a badly behaved child. He is so hyperfocussed all the time and in his own imaginary world, usually with book in front of his face, that he looks pretty atypical. I have actually seen parents of NT kids steer their kids away from him when he is doing this verbal stimming, as if he is some sort of psych ward patient. They don't even try to get their kids to interact. NT kids come up to me and ask me what is "wrong" with him. They don't even bother to ask Cassian.

Yeah, parents of NT's have no clue what we and our kids go through. I almost don't want to associate with parents who have kids the same age as Cassian now because of this. If Tristan is NT, I hope he can provide a sort of bridge for us to the world of these families. At this point, I can't even have a conversation about my kid with most other parents because we have so little in common.

Suzi

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Registered: 02-24-2004
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 12:49pm

Suzi,

I just had to comment on your topic of "associating" with NT parents. I've found this to be very difficult, myself. They don't seem to understand, even people that we've known for quite sometime. They see Nathan and how he acts, how he talks, etc. And they still don't GET IT!!!! They always seem shocked and stunned when I tell them something that Nathan did. One parent even suggested that I use their babysitter.....a 12 YEAR OLD!!! Nathan's cousins (20 some yrs old) both had a difficult time watching Nathan. They were shocked!!!??? Like I would have a 12yr old watch my kids.

I have better conversations with moms who have special needs kids. They "get it".

I'm a bit worried about when we move too. My dh's family is going to help with the move. They still don't get Nathan. My sil even talked to me on the 4th...about how she's worried about Tyler. She's afraid that Tyler is being put aside, and that my entire focus is on Nathan. YEAH, RIGHT!!!! She didn't say it exactly like that....she tried saying it nicely. But I got what she was trying to say. She's lucky that we got interrupted, or I would have let her have it!!!

It's hard when you're trying to do the best you can.....and are constantly reminded by others how you're doing it all wrong.

Michelle

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 9:19pm

For some reason these posts reminded me of the one time I was really really jealous of a friend who's child is basically NT. He is learning disabled and ADHD, but he can participate in regular kid stuff. He isn't autistic adn he is mikes age. About a year ago she was telling me about how his baseball team was going to the finals. How they were going out to celebrate with the team. At that time Mike was on a special needs baseball team and couldn't even understand the concept of the game. It took all we could to make it positive and get him to finish the season, which he didn't. Thats when it hit me, All those fabulous childhood memories of teams, competitions, scouts, buddies, etc, would never happen for Mike. Most of his childhood memories would be therapies, struggles, failures and video games.

Pat, I am with you on the conversations thing. Cait is pretty good, better than Mike. But not to the level of NT girls at all. But with Mike I celebrate the little accomplishments of any time he shares with me. Even when he does it is really short lived and often he misunderstands alot.

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Registered: 10-24-2003
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 10:12pm

It's hard when you're trying to do the best you can.....and are constantly reminded by others how you're doing it all wrong.


Boy, can I relate to that comment.

Pat

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. --

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Registered: 12-24-2004
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 12:39pm

Yes, it does seem that there is all too much advice giving from parents and grandparents of NT's. I have a kid who often doesn't even "get" contingencies when you try to behavior modify him the first 50 or so times. We focus now on removing him from situations that he cannot handle, then doing lots of review and preparation before he encounters the same situations again. In vivo, he just does not learn well. Dry erase boards have been a Godsend because I can write rules and consequences and he can begin to process them in written form.

I often ask myself how I would have responded to someone else who had a child with similar problems, if I didn't have Cassian, and I think that if I had an NT child, even with my background in Psychology, I might also have doubted a parent who said their child didn't learn from consequences. And, yes, I probably would have judged the parent to be inept in some way. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but I am sure I would have made the same kinds of attributions, until I experienced failure over and over again when using traditional methods with this kind of kid. It just seems so contrary to the vast amount of behavioral literature out there that everyone subscribes to.

Certainly, having Cassian has made me look at parents and children differently. I hope someday that when I am needed less at home with my kids, I will be writing books and going on talk shows helping the public better understand our families. Friends who are really religious keep telling me this is the very reason God gave me Cassian, but in our tougher moments, it is hard for me to regard this life as fair, compared to the lives of parents with no kids on the Spectrum. I suppose that makes me a work in progress, much as Cassian is. It's just not going to be easy for any of us, but someday there will be unforseen payoffs. I feel pretty certain of that.

Suzi

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Registered: 10-24-2003
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 1:34pm

Friends who are really religious keep telling me this is the very reason God gave me Cassian, but in our tougher moments, it is hard for me to regard this life as fair, compared to the lives of parents with no kids on the Spectrum. I suppose that makes me a work in progress, much as Cassian is. It's just not going to be easy for any of us, but someday there will be unforseen payoffs.


I certainly don't want to offend anybody on this board but I have a real problem when anyone attributes Jake's disability as a plan of Gods' whether to punish me (or someone else) or to teach me (or someone else).

Pat

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. --

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Registered: 12-24-2004
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 2:42pm

Pat,

I'm not as religious as the friends I spoke of. I tend to think of Cassian's disability as a "luck of the draw" sort of thing that was slightly more likely because of my and DH's genes. I'm a philosopher/scientist first. The intimations of my more religious friends have been to the effect that I am supposed to "do something" later to help others with similar kids, and Cassian is somehow preparing me for this. I don't believe in this sort of preordained plan myself, but I do think it is likely that these experiences will lead me in that direction. It sometimes helps me in tough times to think of my life contributing to the greater good somehow in the future. This sort of rationale doesn't require a preordained plan or even a higher power, although those with that sort of bent may interject such elements if they wish. That's where I stand on the issue. I was raised by an Episcopalian (mom) and a agnostic scientist (dad).

Suzi

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