Just a vent.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Just a vent.....
6
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 8:31pm

I just gotta get it out of my system before I yell at one of the kids. It isn't totally autism related butsome of it is.

I made the mistake of hanging out with SIL again today after spending all day thanksgiving with DH's family. Though this SIL and I have been friends I just can't handle more family right now. The problem, this family always has the ability to make me feel just horrible about my self. Their skinny perfectly toned selves with trips to the spa, perfect dh's, perfect kids, perfect cars, etc.

The problem is the parenting thing. Even when my SIL has an autistic child he is the perfect little autistic child. Hardly any negative behaviors to speak of. Looks classic autistic so everyone else in the family rates all autism as compared to him. IE, it is like living down the Rainman thing magnified.

Well today we go to a park with them and who is the one having problems? Who is the one needing constant supervision? Not Nate, Mike. At the end of the day we are down by the duck pond part and the ducks are being loud. It was really bothering Mike and he yells "STOP" a few times in not a great tone of voice. I tell him, no worries bud it is just the birds, relax. Well Nate copies him once and his dad (Jim, the bike guy) turns around and says "Nate, stop that is rude". Oh, sorry dad and that is it. Other times when nate is barely rude or what not, dad redirects him and he complies perfectly.

Then I tell Jim that the good thing about Thanksgiving is Mike actually went to sleep early. So he tells me I have to get Mike more aerobic exercise. Sure IN MY FRIGGEN FREE TIME. He is in basketball, karate, plus all the other stuff but I guess I should take him out for a 5 mile bike ride each flippen day. NO KIDDING IT WOULD HELP but it just isnt feasable considering Dave can't yet ride a bike and I cannot let Mike go on his own. He needs constant flipping supervision.

I am just SICK of feeling like a fat bad parent which is how I feel every time I come home from a family thing.

Oh and SIL and BIL kept jogging the path we were on and because my darn knee has been giving me trouble again by the time I had walked a mile I thought I was going to throw up from the pain but I had to keep walking to keep an eye on the kids. So naturally I looked like an out of shape, lazy, fat bad parent.

GRRRRRRRRRRR

K, done now. Mike has been twisting and obsessing all week. 75% of the time he is the most helpful, sweet, thoughtful little boy, but the other 25% of the time it is constantly "whatever" "Idiot" and "shut up" or screaming or melting down. I am SOOOOO sick of it!

Renee

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Registered: 10-03-2004
In reply to: rbear4
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 7:32am

(((((RENEE)))))

I do understand those feelings, but ya gotta give up the comparing thing, it will only make you CRAZY!!! Start down that route and there is no end. Everyone has their "imperfect" moments, and whatever theirs are, you just aren't seeing it with your "comparing glasses" on...

Maybe you're a little tired these days? I can relate to that, too. And those big Holiday gatherings, well, are they actually fun for anyone? Questionable...

Feel better,

Sara

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Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: rbear4
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 8:12am

Like you said to me - "Holidays".

I'm actually thankful that my boys will be gone for Christmas - how terrible is that?

And I will trade you in-laws. MY childless SIL took it upon herself during T-giving dinner to tell me how to discipline my boys (who both melted at the dinner table over seemingly trivial things).

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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rbear4
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 9:54am

It is beyond just a comparing thing, it is the looks, comments and the different way the kids are treated. Particularly Mike. It has always been quite obvious that he is not very liked. Add the overstimulation of too many people to that stress and they never get to see the good side of him.

Ok, so some is comparing but you can't tell me that america these days doesn't make comments about people and thier weight or think less of them. I am not that overweight but enough that I get comments from family. For instance, SIL at the park yesterday had made the comment that she wanted to go for a jog and how I would walk the other way to help keep an eye on the kids. I can't remember the comment but it was made in such as way as to note my lack of exercise. I must not want to jog or do anything active so here you take this short easy route.

We also have one overwieght BIL (he is probably about 220-230 so not obese) and I know they make comments about him when he isn't around. I have heard them. "Geez, R needs to lose weight he really let himself go" "That just isn't healthy" etc etc.

I also get constant comments from them about all kinds of stupid things and how I am not as good as ...... Like the time my MIL told me I should take the kids out of school at let Corrine (another SIL) teach them because she is good at that sort of thing. Never mind that I am a certified teacher. How I should ask one of the others how to cook something (I forget what) when I am actually a pretty darn decent cook. How isn't it great how x,y and z take such good care of them selves. They are really into going to the gym now. If I had the time and money then so would I.

I was told recently when explaining concerns about Cait's organizational skills that I should have her talk to my FIL. He is very organized and would be able to teach her to do it. OK, I am very organized and have been her mom for 12 years. But the assumption is that a conversation with my FIL would be able to do something I have not been able to do for 12 years well because I just haven't tried.

Just frustrating!

Renee




Edited 11/27/2006 10:24 am ET by rbear4
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Registered: 09-13-2006
In reply to: rbear4
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 2:33pm

(((Renee)))


Well, I can't say I've got quite the same problem, because most of the people in my family look like something from a Gary Larson Far Side cartoon.

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Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: rbear4
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 12:56pm

((((Renee))))


There all comes a time when we break down cause we can't take the comments or pity or whateveritis from everyone who thinks they know what is best for us or our kids.

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Registered: 10-03-2004
In reply to: rbear4
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 6:34pm

Dear Renee,

Oh, well, if they are like THAT, then they should be strung up and have their skinny butts roasted. I wasn't getting the nastiness, ugh, who needs it? So sorry they are like that.

I have only one brother-in-law who kinda doesn't get Malcolm, but this is more because of the bro-in-law's nature and we all run interference on him, esp. his wife my sister.

They all sure do sound at best, well, socially illiterate, way thoughtless, could we maybe suggest ... unable to understand social cues or read other people's nonverbal reactions?

(((hugs)))),

Sara