Just WHO is the adult here??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Just WHO is the adult here??
2
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 5:06am

Oh I am so cross about this I will probably rant a bit, sorry!


We have FIL and MIL staying with us. FIL has never been particularly good with the kids (he never spent time with his own kids and now seems utterly clueless with his grandkids) and MIL has always excused him by saying he'd be better with them when they got older and could have proper conversations etc...Now how much more 'grown up' a conversation can you have than with a 9 year old Aspie with a verbal IQ of 178, particularly if you pick his 'obsessions' to talk about?? Anyway, I digress...since getting the diagnosis last year we've explained, several times, to MIL and FIL what this means for Euan, particularly about giving him structured explanations for things (particularly changes in routine), and that saying things like 'because I said so' will not get them anywhere with him, and that when he is anxious he might display 'odd' behaviour and how to help him when that happens...I *thought* all of this had sunk in. But apparently not.


They took Euan and his 4 year old (NT, but no less hard work LOL) brother Rohan out for a day trip. They asked Euan if he wanted to go on the train to Edinburgh but Euan said no, because I had already promised to take him on the train the following day to Edinburgh to go shopping and spend his birthday money in the toystore, and hewas worried that he would lose that trip (they really didn't explain very well to him I don't think). Rohan, of course, went nuts, and wanted to go on the train, so MIL and FIL tried to persuade Euan, who went ballistic, threw himself in a corner screaming and flapping his hands....(I wasn't there for any of this, but let me tell you, they certainly weren't explaining gently to him if he responded like that!) So instead they went to Stirling castle (which they can walk to from our house), but of course, Euan was upset still and unco-operative, and Rohan was upset because he wanted to go on the train. And apparently, FIL was telling Euan off about his behaviour, which was making him get anxious and start flapping his hands and going rigid again (again, he must have been REALLY stressed to act like that) and FIL just took off and went for a long walk and left them there!!! MIL was torn as to whether to go with him and luckily decided to stay with the kids.


BUT WHAT SORT OF ADULT LEAVES A 9 YEAR OLD AND A 4 YEAR OLD IN A STRANGE PLACE because he's fed up of them??????? Ok I completely accept that by the sounds of it they were both acting up a lot (but on the other hand if they'd just bloody LISTENED to me about how to handle Euan none of it would have happened) but honestly, who is the one with social skills problems here?? the 9 year old with a diagnosed syndrome or the 60 year old GROWN ADULT who couldn't handle two kids not behaving perfectly???


Am I wrong to be so cross about this, is it unreasonable to expect a grown man who theoretically has raised three kids of his own, held a responsible job all his life, has six grandchildren and has only just retired, is physically and mentally very fit, to be able to behave like a responsible adult and not throw a hissy fit and storm off, leaving two young kids who were theoretically in his care??


He certainly won't be getting them on his own anymore, and I'm in two minds whether he gets them with MIL either (but to be fair, she stayed with them, and she did try harder to calm Euan down). But the other question is, given that Euan is sometimes a bit of a challenge, it is reasonable of me to expect other adults to take care of him? I mean, he goes to school, he goes to cub scouts (including camp) without us, he goes to his Nana (my mother) fine without us (and that involves flying across the continent with her, so it's not like we can just go get him if he loses it, but she copes fine with him!), he goes on playdates on his own and he used to go to drama classes etc and they all coped absolutely fine with him, even better after the diagnosis and we could give them some tips on how to handle him. Should I just be there with him all the time in case something like this happens and people don't know how to handle him? Or is FIL just unusually crap and I can entrust him to PROPER adults?


Sorry this got long!


Kirsty, mum to Euan (9, Asperger's) Rohan (4, NT) and Maeve (23m, NT)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 9:56am

Well I can tell you out of all 4 grandparents I will only allow my Mother to have any one on one with Liam. Mil and fil are nice enoug, but they don't get it really, and my own father is a disaster with the boys; wasn't much better with me though. No matter how many times I rty to explian things to him he doesn't listen or seemt o want to get it, kwim? And as for the walking off, that is totally my father.

Dee

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APOV on Autism
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 10:52pm
I think some just don't get it while others do.