Karate instructor blames my child.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Karate instructor blames my child.....
10
Tue, 01-08-2008 - 10:20pm

Hi everyone,


Boy am I frustrated with my son's Karate instructor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Tue, 01-08-2008 - 11:07pm

Irene,


I don't blame you for feeling like you do. I got all agitated reading your post. However, I think you should do what you have done and chalk it up to a learning experience.


I don't think you should pull your DS out of this class.

-Paula

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 01-08-2008 - 11:15pm

Thanks Paula,


I appreciate your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 12:47am

Irene,


I felt for you too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 4:19am
Are you kidding me, I would have yelled at that jerk right then and there. That seems ridiculous if you came over and fixed the sitauation and then he joined right in. Sorry maybe I am getting over angry, but I am just thinking about how damaging yelling at a child in front of the class could be.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 6:09am

I don't think you're over-reacting at all. I got angry just reading about it. You handled it a lot better than I would have. Knowing myself, I probably would have made a huge scene right in the middle of class which probably would have just made everything worse. LOL

I'm glad the instructor at least apologized even if it doesn't make up for what he did. I hope things go better from here on out.

That is great that your son loves karate so much. I have wanted to get my daughter into a class for awhile but she just refuses to try it.




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Mom to Erin (19) and Haley (10yo Aspie)


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Mom to Erin (19) and Haley (10yo Asp
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 8:26am

hon, what a stressful and horrible thing to happen. That sort of thing used to happen to me a lot, and still does when we are in unfamiliar situations where I don't necessarily know the rules so can't tell DS what they are properly.


The thing is, that kind of thing is going to happen to our Aspies A LOT in their lives. As they older they will get better at dealing with it, but it is never going to be easy, and the world is never going to adjust to make it easy for them. So whilst it is hard, very hard, for them (and us!), they still have to go through it to be able to function in our imperfect, non-Aspie friendly world.


What I would do now is two things. One, I would talk to your son again about the situation. Apologise for your own part in it (he needs to see that even adults can make mistakes, and learn from them!) and explain why you think the teacher did what he did, even though it felt (and was, a bit) unfair. Keep explaining, over and over, in a structured, calm way, until he 'gets' it without getting upset. (This may take a few goes, in my experience!!) Second, I'd go back and talk to the karate teacher IN PERSON, either before or after the class. Explain, again, calmly, your son's needs. Acknowledge that the teacher has the final say over how to deal with discipline in this area, but make the point that a) your son loves karate and b) wants to continue with it and c) will find it very hard to continue if that sort of thing happens again and d) finds it hard to continue BECAUSE that has happened.


I wouldn't pull him out of the class, I'd work hard on finding a way for you all - you, DS and the teacher - to learn from the situation. DS can't quit everything every time it gets hard, or unfair, or upsetting - you can't afford to lose it every time someone is a dingbat to your child, and you can't protect him from the unfairness and pain of life

"My definition of housework is to sweep the room with a glance"


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 9:18am

Well, this teacher made a critical error, common to humans, he made an ASS-umption that your child was misbehaving. And then even though you were explaining this to him on the phone, he was seeing the whole incident through the lenses of the mistake he had made and not seeing the big picture, as esp. as tardiness IS allowed in this class and he applied a different set of consequences here, highly unfair. As you son's executive functioning is impaired and you have been the one responsible for getting him to class, interrupting his video games etc., this WAS your mistake and the teacher acted on misinformation. And I am glad you actually got him to apologize.

I would say that I am very curious to see how he does moving forward. Have you ever given him information to read about ASD and how our kids are affected? Our own son's Tae Kwondo sensei is terrific with him, but there has been a long, slow learning curve for them both! One thing that is hard for our son is to keep quiet when he has questions or disagrees with sensei (pre-teen at 10, Augh) but they have worked out a deal of when and how ds can interrupt and everyone has gone along with it now. Ds has been studying for 4 years and loves it all, even is starting to get good at sparring, so we would never quit. The physical training and release of aggressive energy is so good for him.

I also would keep him in the class. I do know my own son would be angry and have a hard time with his teacher after such an incident, but maybe your's will be OK. If it were us, we would have to have a face-to-face discussion between teacher and student to iron it out lol.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 9:54am

I responded to this at length yesterday but my post didn't make it. UGH I hate that!

I have had a similar experience with my son and while I wouldn't pull him out after the first incident I would start looking at what your other options are incase more situations come up. It took us 3 tries (with long breaks between each try) before we found a sensei that really did "get it" for Mike and it isn't just karate but most sports. The only coaches we have had real success with are those that have been touched in some way by special needs themselves (current sensei is married to a woman with CP, one basketball guy had a dd with downs syndrome). Still isn't perfect but it has been workable.

We had a very similar experience with Mike's karate instructor when he was about 8. He had been in this class for a year and it was a very small class. However, the instructor started to get more students and as such Mike's behaviors became more of a nuisance and due to Mike's behavior they became more frequent. Within 4 weeks we had 3 such events with Mike with the final one ending with Mike in a time out for the remainder of class when he didn't even understand why. Then he began slamming his head into the cement wall. I took him out and we never went back.

Mike is a bit different and he can tend toward the more severe end of he AS spectrum and it isn't just karate he had failures at so it will likely be different with your son, but I have noticed that once he starts having a hard time he gets SOOOOO stressed about going that it gets worse and unfortunately none of these coach types get why because he is not "obviously" disabled so they think they can force him to be better.

I guess my biggest problem has always been with coaches and what not who don't get our kids disabilities. Because they can walk and talk and much of it shows in behavioral type ways they think that if they are tougher on the kids then all will be fine. I can't tell you how many discussions I have had with people who think this or that is "my son's fault" and if only I did this or that then he would listen, etc. Mike has a severe auditory processing disorder. He can't physically listen but they don't get that.

Karate instructors can tend to have this macho discipline thing and depending on how they decide to interact with some kids it can be a problem. Once our old sensei got it stuck in his head that he was going to "win" and basically "Make Mike" comply with his way of doing things (or in other words fix him because he thought I was full of it and there was nothing wrong with Mike) things just went downhill really fast.

Good luck with talking to him. I did provide the sensei with pamphlets and information. It worked for a bit but over all it has been my experience if someone isn't going to get it they aren't going to get it. I will provide awareness but not keep my kid in an activity for the sake of "making" the adults get it.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 10:01am

PS. I also have to say that while I wouldn't let him quit after the first incident and have him try to work it out because it is life, it has also been my experience with my own son that after a few of these type of incidents he becomes so anxious and overwhelmed that it can really mess with his whole life.

You'll have to judge your son's reaction but you will want to make some sort of changes before he gets to the point where he hates karate or the stress is affecting other parts of his life, kwim?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 12:02pm

Ladies,


I am so filled with gratitude for all of your insightful advice and support.