Ladies w/older children Betsy,Renee
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| Mon, 09-26-2005 - 6:21pm |
I have a problem and I don't know how to go about getting Jake to stop this behavior. It all boils down to Jake is jealous of his younger sis-she's almost 4. I will give an example of what happen today.
We went to get Katie from Daycare around 4:30-He had been pon the computer for about 45 mins. When we got home Katie asked to get on the computer to play Dora. Jake jumps up and says I was about to get on there. I told him he had had his turn and she gets a turn now. Then I ask for him to log her onto Dora then she could pick which game-he refused. So, I stopped what I was doing and started to log her on-he cam over grabed the mouse and said fine-I'll do it.
So,he goes then I get to watch what I want on the Tv-puts it on CN and she likes what is on too-so then he goes well Im changing it to something she doesnt like. Then he tells her she can listen to music on the computer he turns it on in the headphones and puts it on her head, then proceeds to turn it as loud as it can get. Man, I'm tired!
So what should I do.I have told him repeatedly that I love him no matter what-he is my first baby. But, at 12 yrs old he cant sit on my lap and cuddles and play around like dd does.
Any advice ladies! I feel helpless.
Liza
PS everytime I let dd do something he says I am not being fair. That I don't love him. ;(

hmmmmmm. that would be an immediate time out to your room for turning up the volume on your sister. if my kids act negatively to me or their siblings they get sent to their room to cool off (their rooms have tons of stuff in them just no interaction). Once they can control themselves, then we talk about what he should have done and why it was wrong. (a quick social story or something not a long lecture)
To head these types of interactions off, we have a schedule for the computer and TV, each kid gets their 45 min to ck their email and visit their favorite places or play a game. if they're really being territorial I set the timer. computer is only for after homework and practicing and lessons. If we've been having a bad week, all electronics are off. I announce that to everyone ahead of time. My kids obsess over TV and computer and drive me crazy. We've also had to write in the rule that if they ask more than 2x if it's their turn yet, they lose their 45 min, because they pester me when I'm trying to help others on their homework. So, if one of my kids had done what Jake did and refused the help another -- he/she would have lost the privilege, period. If a that resulted in a tantrum they would have been in their room and lost it for another day. (they know I mean business and don't want to lose their computer time so they won't fight me on it.)
I also would set aside some interaction time w/ him. No Katie. no electronics. just time to have fun w/ him and give him some appropriate big kid time. If he wants physical contact find something that give physical contact that is more age appropriate (a game, Twister, or snuggles on the sofa watching a movie, some kind of sport).
W/ our boys we try to use sensory things that help them control their urges to lash out, and we talk about how their senses feel when they do those kinds of things and what kind of intervention will help them, we often let them come up w/ and experiment w/ what will help them. Weston usually goes to his room and plays w/ his airplanes or stuffed animals (and uses all kinds of high pitched noise stims) or goes for a bike ride. Warren often will just go to his bed and read or hide under his pillows. I'm even doing this kind of thing w/ Owen, taking him for bike rides, lots of swinging, lots of hugs wrapped up in his blanket. Seems to be working pretty well.
Hope this helps, I don't know if it's what you were looking for or not.
Betsy
Liza,
As you know, I have something similar going on with Peter
Here is the crux of you problem IMO:
>>everytime I let dd do something he says I am not being fair. That I don't love him. ;( <<
So the question next is: does he *really, truly* believe that, or is this rudimentary manipulation?
You will deal with it differently depending on the answer to the above question.
If he does not get that you dont; only love him where you are smiling and interacting directly with him, you will need to work out how to explain love to him (social stories)
If he is being manipulative, then he needs to be disiciplined accordingly.
Of course, it could be a litle of both, and then you need to address it both ways: make sure he knows that this behaviour is unacceptable, and also work on understanding the many colours of love. (I *know* this a a big challenge for Peter).
Sorry if that didn't help much, but that was my feeling reading your post.
((((hugs))))))
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Betsy,
Thank you for all those examples and ideas. I will usually send him to his room, my problem with that is he will refuse to go and stare me down. I can't physically move him he's too big. If dh is home I will get him and the second Jake knows I am getting him he moves. I know that is giving my power away but it is just so frustrating. I am going to sit down and make a chart for computer time. I think that will help a lot. One problem Jake is also having is responding to request whne we make them. For example,ME: "Jake could you please feed the dog?" HIM: "Yes, Ma'am " ME:10 minutes later "Jake PLease feed the dog." HIM: "I will" ME: "Now! Not in 10 minutes!" And this goes on and on....until I explode...unless DH is home! I know I have a power struggle going on too.
Thanks,
Liza
PS. I purposely don't go get Katie from daycare until 4:45 to spend time with Jake. He gets home around 3:15. He doesn't like to talk when he gets home which can be difficult. He is always way grumpy and I always try to cheer him up. We usually work on homework or watch a TV show together. SOmetimes goto the store.
Edited 9/27/2005 3:16 pm ET ET by liza1971
Paula,
Thank you for your insight! I think he knows I love him, but feels less love or replaced when dh or myself show love to Katie. I tell him all the time that I love him. He seems to understand that. At times I do think he uses it as manipulation to get a hug. I know that he seeks touch for sensory issues because he will hug anyone that he knows and he hugs hard and tight.
I will talk to Jake more about this subject and see how he is truely feeling.
Liza