Life and my AS son (warning - rambling!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Life and my AS son (warning - rambling!)
8
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 9:15pm

Lots of random thoughts today.


I'm trying to plan Owen's 5th birthday party.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 9:37pm

I could really relate to many things in your post..

I am planning for Ryan's 7th birthday, and I have the same qualms about inviting kids from school. Does Ryan talk or interact much with them at school? Will they come? Will Ryan even talk to them at the party if they do? Not sure what to do.

I also sometimes drive myself crazy comparing my family to others..it's hard to not do this sometimes. Like you, I am trying to accept things as they are, and accept my life as it is.. this is easier said then done.

Thanks for a post that got me thinking..

Kate

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 9:42pm

Dear Pam,

Nice babble, no problem.

What kind of schooling is your son in? Is he receiving help with socializing in school, play therapy, small groups? Chances are he is not really playing with anyone if he is mainstreamed, as just surviving school can be hard enough for AS kid during a school day! Also, he is young.

If you are interested in helping your son build relationships with his peers in school, I would suggest setting up playdates on weekends with classmates, getting to know the other parents, helping your son build relationships outside school in quiet, uncrowded settings with 1 or at most 2 kids so he can get to know them. This will enhance his school experience as well. My son (now 8) particularly loves going to other kids' houses, meeting their parents, siblings, dogs, etc.

If this were me, I would keep the b'day party very small, maybe only the cousins, possibly those few playmates through your friends and no classmates. Can you bring a treat to school for the entire class? That should be enough celebration there and kids like getting treats, will warm them towards him more. Don't use the birthday as a beginning point for friendships that aren't naturally developing (due to AS) but wait until not connected to anything particular and begin helping him build friendships. We have done this always, and I assure you it has paid off!!!

Yup, comparing to others is a waste of time. Others do not have a child with AS. You will need to pick and choose the areas you want to explore with him, follow his interests, push his boundaries a little at a time without overwhelming him so he can grow. Low stress days with his family are so important and will be a great touchstone for him to step out from!!!

Days of contentment will be as rejuvenating for you as they are for both your kids, good for you for treasuring them.

yours,

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 9:55pm

Pam,

Nathan turns 7 on Jan 29th. This year it's just going to be me, dh, Nathan and his brother. Nathan doesn't want people to come over for a party. He just wants our own quiet, little party....just the 4 of us! He still wants decorations and a cake with lots of presents too!

We've always had family parties. Inviting uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandmas. Sometimes, dh will invite one of his friends from work and he'll bring his wife and kids. (I don't really have any friends to invite). But this year, Nathan didn't want that. He's prefers to be alone, even at school. He's not real social, although he's not shy either.

I used to worry that I should push him to be more social. To make friends, have parties and even go to parties. But then I'd just be making him do things that make him uncomfortable. He's quite capable of telling me what he wants and what he doesn't.....so if he's happy with a small party, then that's ok with me.

I think it really depends on your child and what makes them happy. I'm not real social myself...so I can't really blame him!!! lol I've learned that Nathan learns at his own pace, some things just take longer for him to grasp. Nathan has the rest of his life to make friends and to be social. Whatever he chooses to do, is fine by me.

Some kids love the party thing, some don't. But I know how hard it is trying to figure it all out. Have a party...don't have a party...big party...little party...who do we invite...etc, etc, etc.....

michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2001
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 11:00pm
Bobby doesnt turn 4 till April and I am already stressing about parties.

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 12:00am

Haven't done "parties" in years. I always felt like I had to. I was a bad parent if I didn't, but you know what. You are not a bad parent if you don't throw the biggest, bestest parties. We had "family" ones with cousins and such. One year I went all out and had friends. Mike had 25 people here for a party when he turned 6 and he was so stressed the entire time. That was the last year for birthday parties.

I would be willing to wager if you polled a whole list of aspie adults they would tell you hands down they wouldn't want a party. Over stimulating, upsetting, noisy, etc. You should have read what most were saying about christmas traditions. How they were trying to figure out how to make it through family gatherings without going into meltdown or feeling horrible for days. Thier plans for what to say when they had to leave. If they should contact the host or hostess in advance and ask for a quiet place to destress if neccessary. Or infact not to go at all.

Ya know, even if I offered Mike a party now he would probably jump all over the idea and want one, because that is what the kids in his class do. But when the day came he would be so stressed it would be one meltdown after another. The last one we had was his first communion. MY GOODNESS what a DISASTER!

Now we do special dates. This year we will likely go as a family and do something fun like chuck E. Cheese, family fun center, etc. Then I make them thier favorite dinner and I make special cakes homemade. I have gotten pretty good at making fun cakes. Should have seen my "Eye of Sauron" cake last year! Thier grandparents come for dinner and cake and that is it. No parties and we have the best time. And they get presents.

Oh, I also take them out of school on thier birthday during lunch for a lunch date. We make the day special.

It is thier special day. We don't need to make it our version or an NT version of special. We need to make it special for them so THEY feel special and loved. That doesn't have to be a big party with lots of people. I think it can be much more individualized than that.

I feel bad every year not giving them a big party honestly, but they can't handle it and I dont have the funding to do it. So there ya have it. Special family day.

Renee

PS, Michelle I remember Nathans birthday because Dave will be 6 on the 29th. And Mike is 10 2 weeks after that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 12:49pm

Renee,

Good memory! I totally forgot! My mind has been a little busy with the boys lately.

I even forgot to tell the school office that Tyler would be out because he was having surgery!!! I remembered 4 days AFTER the surgery!!! Thank goodness Tyler has a great teacher, she told the office for me!!!!

michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 1:54pm

Thanks Everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 9:53am

Renee....I LOVE the idea about taking the kids out of school for a lunchdate on their bdays....I'm definitely going to do this. Son loves one-on-one time with me....doesn't happen too often.

Christie