LONG & Waaaay OT, but I need friends
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 08-02-2007 - 12:31am |
I'll do my best to make this as short as possible, I promise...but here's your warning, this is going to be a novel, so feel free to skip over it. No hard feelings.
Background info.:
Along with my five brothers, I have two sisters, neither of whom I'm close to-mainly because of the age difference. They are very close to each other, and I will admit that I've been hurt several times when they've done things together and left me out. Most recently my oldest sister asked my mom to travel with her to see the "out of state" middle sister...and as much as I would've loved to have been there, I wasn't included in the plans. (I wasn't even considered, to be honest.)
It just so happens that the "out of state" sister is currently "in state" because our nephew (oldest sister's son) is getting married on Saturday. Well on Monday, my DH took the day off to stay with our kids so I could drive my mom to St. Louis (I lived there for 6 years) to have a couple areas of skin cancer removed. In an attempt to have a "sisters bonding experience" mom and I decided that we should invite the other two to sisters to ride down with us. This is a decision I will probably regret for the rest of my life.
The doctors office was located in one of two "towers" neither of which were what I would consider big. The business names and tower location were prominently displayed in the front of each lobby. Upon arriving at the towers, oldest sister needed to use the restroom. So, with mom being pretty nervous, I decided to get her the appropriate office immediately, assuming that my sister would be adult enough to figure out how to get catch up with us. I waited approx. 15 minutes until they took mom back and then went to find oldest sister who was apparently unable to find her way or ask for directions to the appropriate office. As soon as she saw me, she began screaming at me, using language that would make a sailor blush, calling me all kind of horrible names, and essentially making a scene that would rivals those on the Jerry Springer Show. People in the building were in awe of what was taking place. I was horrified. My only "crime" had been to take care of mom, which had been the intention of the day. Even the middle sister, who she is so close to, was amazed at how horribly she treated me.
Shortly after that scene had ended she demanded I take her to the local bra shop so she could get what she wanted for the wedding. (We had been told it would be at least 3 hours before mom would be ready to be picked up.) So...even though that hadn't been on my agenda, I complied with her request. From them on it was a series of demands I had to take in order to keep her from blowing up again.
When mom finally did call to say she was ready for us to pick her up, she confided in me that, while she felt fine, she was too embarrassed by the bandage on her face (one of the lesions was on her upper lip) to be seen in public. While I had hoped to do some shopping for myself that day, I understood mom's feelings and was more than willing to forego my desire to help her out. I mean, after all, we were there to take care of mom, right? Well, when I relayed the message about mom not wanting to go out in public, oldest sister went nutso again and actually yelled, "Why the F*** did I take a day off work to come down here then??? I have to go to Chico's to return something and I'm not leaving this town without going to Sephora to buy make-up for the wedding!!!" (She's expecting ME to do her make-up for the wedding.) I gently reminded oldest sister that when she'd had a cyst removed from her forehead a few years back, she too was embarassed by the bandage and unwilling to be seen in public. Well that really ticked her off. She then began pouting about how we should "just forget it" because she was going to "take another day off tomorrow and drive herself back down" to do what she needed to do.
When I went in to retrieve mom, I explained what was going on and about the tantrums oldest sister was throwing, and mom-being the most amazing woman in the world- sucked it up and agreed to do the rest of the shopping that oldest sister was demanding. I'll stop here with the gory details, but the abusiveness did not stop. It continued, even after she got her way. When we were halfway home, my mom said, "Thanks for taking me down here today." The comment was obviously directed at me, but my sister chimes in, "Oh! You're welcome! No problem." I wanted to scream, OF COURSE IT WASN'T A PROBLEM FOR YOU! I drove your arse all over the flippin' city to comply with your demands you selfish cow!"
Needless to say, I realized that my sister is the most hateful, selfish person I'd ever encountered. I was horrified by her behaviour...not to mention hurt, angry, etc. I wish I could say this was unusual for her, but she's known for going off on people. She's not one to ever mask her feelings or hide her emotions, even if expressing them means hurting someone. Luckily, I'd never experienced too much of it first hand because, like I said, we're not close so I'm hardly ever around her.
So now, here's my problem. I am literally sick to my stomach because of all of this. I've spent the last two days crying, trying to come up with the strength to let it all go. But I just don't seem to be able to do it. I feel like one of the reasons I was treated this way is because nobody has ever called her out when she does this crap. She never takes responsibility for her actions, let alone apologizes after these outbursts.
She actually showed up at mom's today expecting me to practice doing her make-up for her! (She didn't bother to call first, mind you, to see if I was free.) I, being the chicken that I am, hid in the bedroom and locked the door. I just couldn't face her.
I'm the type of person who is such a completely spineless wimp, I allow people to treat me like garbage and then hold it deep inside of me while it eats away at my self-esteem. So what I really want is to call DH and have him come pick me and kids up- make up some excuse about an emergency back home, and skip the entire wedding. Yes, I love my nephew (I even sang at his first wedding), but I'm of the belief that if an optional situation is going to make you miserable, then why put yourself through it? But if I do decide to bow out, it means canceling the family party we'd planned for Claire's birthday too. (Not that Claire would realize it because we were really using Claire's birthday as an excuse to throw a party for the "out of state" sister.)
I know I should be the bigger person and just suck it up, go to the wedding, and pretend like it never happened, but I just don't see how I can do that. And I certainly don't see how I can possibly do her make-up!!! I just think it's time she learns that her actions have consequences...and after the way she treated me and mom...well, let's just say I know there's no way I'd be able to enjoy myself.
What should I do? I have no intentions of confronting her before the wedding. I'm just not evil enough to do that to the bride and groom. It would put a huge damper on an already stressful situation. But why should I go through the discomfort and the expense (we were planning on having our 20 year old babysitter travel down with DH and stay overnight to watch our kids- which is NOT a cheap proposition)? Why can't I just fake something in order to get out of the wedding? It's not like my presence is going to be missed.
I need some really sound advice. And if you're going to tell me to suck it up, that's great...but please tell me how to do it. How do I let go of this? I've tried praying, and even meditated for a while last night, but it was fruitless.
If you made it this far, I thank you in advance. This board is all I've got when it comes to friends, and I really need some non-familial wisdom on how to handle this one.
Amy


Pages
I really don't know what to tell you to do, but I do know that you don't need to be bullied and terrorized by your sister which is what is happening. You are leaving or thinking of leaving a big event based on her behavior. Is there a way you can make her responsible for her behavior without being uncomfortable or too uncomfortable yourself?
I think I would discuss it with your mom for sure. She seems pretty darn cool and maybe can give you better advice. I would hate fro you to leave and miss out on this simply because she has chosen to be a terrorizing witch.
Renee
Ah sweetie, it's all about boundaries. Now I love love love my mother, but she tends to do things, that well, piss me off at times. Like the times she just blurts out "you look fatter" and stuff like that. She can be neurotic also at times. She gets weird things in her head, and ends up believing them. I went thru all of my childhood and teenage years with this. The only thing that helped me out was with a therapist, and learning how to set boundaries with other people.
Set boundaries with your sister. It's hard, but you can do it. I remember in therapy many moons ago (when my dd was dx-d with borderline personality disorder) that she explained that I actually needed to spend time with my mother, because I needed practice. LOL how funny is that. But really I did, I needed to practice with my own mother on how to say NO to her and other people. I love you but NO.
I took baby steps, and took them one at a time, but I got to the point to where I could say NO, meant it and love her or other people that took advantage of me.
You gotta find away to say NO to her and not feel guilty. Because honey your feelings mean something. They count. They are important. They should be listened to with her.
Your sister's behavior reminds me of how my dd used to act when she was a child.... It really does. Now I really think Marisa was mis-dx-d, but your sister really sounds like she has some kind of mood disorder. I know you can't make her see this or take meds, but you CAN take care of yourself in the mean time....
{{{Amy}}} I hope your mom is okay.
Lainie
Amy, your sister and mine sound like they should get together. Evil, nasty, selfish, narrowminded, little witches that they are. So, here's my way long answer to your way long post. Make sure you have a drink and are comfortable before reading on...
Having been through almost identical things on a discouragingly regular basis I have 2 observations. First, about your sister, and I'm working on the little bit of presvious knowledge I have of her too, is that sometimes it really is better to just cut your losses and move on. Its not easy to do, I know. If there is anyway possible for her to do it your sister will make you out to be the bad guy in this, and in everything. And unfortuately, there will always be those people who will take her side, even if
I used to be the same way. I felt like a spinless wimp. I knew I let people walk all over me. Occasionally, I still feel that way. It took more than a couple of years to break out of it. I had to realize what it was that I did't like about myself and I worked to change it. I took a kick boxing class to give me some self esteem. I lost a few pounds to get my body in a way I liked better and finally I stood up to the one person that made me feel the worst. I was in an abusive relationship, and when I left him for real (never looking back) I felt amazing.
At some point you need to figure out if you want to change who you are or not. If not, I say go home. Accept that this is who you are and how you like you. There is know reason to put yourself through this if you don't want to change yourself in the future.
If you want to change yourself then stick the weekend out. You may not be in the place to stand up to her yet, but this weekend will serve as good motivation to do the work on yourself.
If you do stick the week out I would suggest not doing her make-up, and this is how I would handle it. Explain to her that you don't approve of the language she used yesterday and are concerned that she may use it near your children. You're not willing to take that risk with your children's ears and she'll need to do her make-up elsewhere. Then keep your children as close by as possible the rest of that day.
One final thought and it may feel a little harsh, but it was what I needed. What kind of woman do you want Claire to grow into? She will grow into the kind of woman she sees the most,and that's you. Emma was 2 the last time she saw me pushed down. I saw the look in her eye and that was enough for me to realize I was not a good role model for her.
Hmmmmm.
Are you sure all of the Autism genes come from DH's side of the family? Because reading your post (and this is the only description I have read of this particular sister) brought to mind a stressed-out Aspie: out of routine, struggling to regain control, not
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Hi Amy, Boy.. your sister is a biotch (sorry)...
Well for started you should have popped her right in her face for disrespecting you like that, after all you were at a dr. office, she could have been fixed up... lol
Sorry, that was mean....
You could always do her practice makeup and make her look like a total clown, after all it fits...
Well, neither one of those are good ideas huh...<@>
I honestly believe that I would leave.. I would not speak to her again, until she formally appolgizes for treating you so horribly... If she gets ugly, walk away.. If she calls you and gets loud hang up... I would let her know that she is toxic in your life. You have enough to deal with on a daily basis, you dont need her... AFter all, all the worrying you are doing, is taking away from your family... You are being eaten alive, and you are not giving them your true self.
You have yourself to think of you and your family... I hope your children were not around to see that...
Is she like this all the time to you? if so, you do not deserve that, that is mental abuse... Dont let anyone run you down.. You are better than that, and you deserve better than that...
I ended a relationship with my father, yes my father because he was an a$$... And yes, I was hurt and felt like I was doind the wrong thing after all he is family... But... Family doesnt treat family like that.... You will find that you will not worry about her behavior with you anymore. If you have to be around her, just be cordial...
You could always write a detailed letter to her (that way you are not interrupted by her stupid mouth.) you are able to get your feelings out, and let her know if she cant appologize to you and your mother for acting like an a$$, then dont talk to me at all.
Wow, your experience has made me a bit mad at her, and I dont know the lady, nor do I want to... ..
I know I rambled on a bit... sorry.... I hope my post was understandable...
I hope you figure something out and you get wonderful advise on here to help you out...
Good luck
Cyndi
delete
Edited 2/19/2008 1:27 pm ET by littleroses
I am so sorry Amy. But I don't think the not being close is because of age. It looks like your sister is wired that way and you have been giving in. Maybe you might want to remind her that you are not little any and you have kids. SHe should not be using words like that on you.
Sorry and hugs,
ANnadhi
Oh my sweet Amy your sister is a B*TCH
You DID not need to have her do that to you. Your mom sounds so sweet in the thick of all this.
I have to agree with almost every post here so please excuse me for not being so original.
You NEED to tell your sister what's eating you............it's abusive the whole thing is... with verbal and emotional things looming over your head.
IF you decide not to go, be up front, not lies... they'll come back and bite you on the a$$. OR tell her you need to discuss what's going on in order to attending this wedding and to actually have fun.....
OR is it worth it (for sake of your mom perhaps) to write that heffer off all together?
I basically wrote off my own mother years ago and with NO regrets.....clean out my closet.
Whatever YOU decide, it's in your best interest. We are you support system no matter how many miles lye between all of us.
You hang in there, life is too short to have your b*tchy sister ruin you.
LOVE YA
nora
http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s225/irishwildrose/pp2.jpg
Wow...you ladies are incredible. The family members I've discussed this with keep telling me to "drop it", "let it go", and "be the bigger person". Especially my mom. She just wants peace in her family and thinks that it's going to take me to let it go in order to bring her the peace she desires. I knew it would take the wisdom of a great group of disinterested third parties to make things right in my brain.
While I still haven't decided what I'm going to do, I'm leaning towards to heading home. I just found out that the "middle sister" had a long conversation with one of the "oldest sisters" sons today, and so at least somebody in her immediate family knows what she's done...that way, if we do leave, she'll know why without my having to cause an uproar.
I'd still love more advice, if anybody wants to share it. For those who have, thank you all so very much. It means the world to me.
(Oh, and Paula- I've decided that she's the connection to Claire's recent bipolar disorder...not the autism! :-P)
Amy
Pages