LONG & Waaaay OT, but I need friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
LONG & Waaaay OT, but I need friends
15
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 12:31am

I'll do my best to make this as short as possible, I promise...but here's your warning, this is going to be a novel, so feel free to skip over it. No hard feelings.

Background info.:
Along with my five brothers, I have two sisters, neither of whom I'm close to-mainly because of the age difference. They are very close to each other, and I will admit that I've been hurt several times when they've done things together and left me out. Most recently my oldest sister asked my mom to travel with her to see the "out of state" middle sister...and as much as I would've loved to have been there, I wasn't included in the plans. (I wasn't even considered, to be honest.)

It just so happens that the "out of state" sister is currently "in state" because our nephew (oldest sister's son) is getting married on Saturday. Well on Monday, my DH took the day off to stay with our kids so I could drive my mom to St. Louis (I lived there for 6 years) to have a couple areas of skin cancer removed. In an attempt to have a "sisters bonding experience" mom and I decided that we should invite the other two to sisters to ride down with us. This is a decision I will probably regret for the rest of my life.

The doctors office was located in one of two "towers" neither of which were what I would consider big. The business names and tower location were prominently displayed in the front of each lobby. Upon arriving at the towers, oldest sister needed to use the restroom. So, with mom being pretty nervous, I decided to get her the appropriate office immediately, assuming that my sister would be adult enough to figure out how to get catch up with us. I waited approx. 15 minutes until they took mom back and then went to find oldest sister who was apparently unable to find her way or ask for directions to the appropriate office. As soon as she saw me, she began screaming at me, using language that would make a sailor blush, calling me all kind of horrible names, and essentially making a scene that would rivals those on the Jerry Springer Show. People in the building were in awe of what was taking place. I was horrified. My only "crime" had been to take care of mom, which had been the intention of the day. Even the middle sister, who she is so close to, was amazed at how horribly she treated me.

Shortly after that scene had ended she demanded I take her to the local bra shop so she could get what she wanted for the wedding. (We had been told it would be at least 3 hours before mom would be ready to be picked up.) So...even though that hadn't been on my agenda, I complied with her request. From them on it was a series of demands I had to take in order to keep her from blowing up again.

When mom finally did call to say she was ready for us to pick her up, she confided in me that, while she felt fine, she was too embarrassed by the bandage on her face (one of the lesions was on her upper lip) to be seen in public. While I had hoped to do some shopping for myself that day, I understood mom's feelings and was more than willing to forego my desire to help her out. I mean, after all, we were there to take care of mom, right? Well, when I relayed the message about mom not wanting to go out in public, oldest sister went nutso again and actually yelled, "Why the F*** did I take a day off work to come down here then??? I have to go to Chico's to return something and I'm not leaving this town without going to Sephora to buy make-up for the wedding!!!" (She's expecting ME to do her make-up for the wedding.) I gently reminded oldest sister that when she'd had a cyst removed from her forehead a few years back, she too was embarassed by the bandage and unwilling to be seen in public. Well that really ticked her off. She then began pouting about how we should "just forget it" because she was going to "take another day off tomorrow and drive herself back down" to do what she needed to do.

When I went in to retrieve mom, I explained what was going on and about the tantrums oldest sister was throwing, and mom-being the most amazing woman in the world- sucked it up and agreed to do the rest of the shopping that oldest sister was demanding. I'll stop here with the gory details, but the abusiveness did not stop. It continued, even after she got her way. When we were halfway home, my mom said, "Thanks for taking me down here today." The comment was obviously directed at me, but my sister chimes in, "Oh! You're welcome! No problem." I wanted to scream, OF COURSE IT WASN'T A PROBLEM FOR YOU! I drove your arse all over the flippin' city to comply with your demands you selfish cow!"

Needless to say, I realized that my sister is the most hateful, selfish person I'd ever encountered. I was horrified by her behaviour...not to mention hurt, angry, etc. I wish I could say this was unusual for her, but she's known for going off on people. She's not one to ever mask her feelings or hide her emotions, even if expressing them means hurting someone. Luckily, I'd never experienced too much of it first hand because, like I said, we're not close so I'm hardly ever around her.

So now, here's my problem. I am literally sick to my stomach because of all of this. I've spent the last two days crying, trying to come up with the strength to let it all go. But I just don't seem to be able to do it. I feel like one of the reasons I was treated this way is because nobody has ever called her out when she does this crap. She never takes responsibility for her actions, let alone apologizes after these outbursts.

She actually showed up at mom's today expecting me to practice doing her make-up for her! (She didn't bother to call first, mind you, to see if I was free.) I, being the chicken that I am, hid in the bedroom and locked the door. I just couldn't face her.

I'm the type of person who is such a completely spineless wimp, I allow people to treat me like garbage and then hold it deep inside of me while it eats away at my self-esteem. So what I really want is to call DH and have him come pick me and kids up- make up some excuse about an emergency back home, and skip the entire wedding. Yes, I love my nephew (I even sang at his first wedding), but I'm of the belief that if an optional situation is going to make you miserable, then why put yourself through it? But if I do decide to bow out, it means canceling the family party we'd planned for Claire's birthday too. (Not that Claire would realize it because we were really using Claire's birthday as an excuse to throw a party for the "out of state" sister.)

I know I should be the bigger person and just suck it up, go to the wedding, and pretend like it never happened, but I just don't see how I can do that. And I certainly don't see how I can possibly do her make-up!!! I just think it's time she learns that her actions have consequences...and after the way she treated me and mom...well, let's just say I know there's no way I'd be able to enjoy myself.

What should I do? I have no intentions of confronting her before the wedding. I'm just not evil enough to do that to the bride and groom. It would put a huge damper on an already stressful situation. But why should I go through the discomfort and the expense (we were planning on having our 20 year old babysitter travel down with DH and stay overnight to watch our kids- which is NOT a cheap proposition)? Why can't I just fake something in order to get out of the wedding? It's not like my presence is going to be missed.

I need some really sound advice. And if you're going to tell me to suck it up, that's great...but please tell me how to do it. How do I let go of this? I've tried praying, and even meditated for a while last night, but it was fruitless.

If you made it this far, I thank you in advance. This board is all I've got when it comes to friends, and I really need some non-familial wisdom on how to handle this one.

Amy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 5:32pm

>> (Oh, and Paula- I've decided that she's the connection to Claire's recent bipolar disorder...not the autism! :-P) <<


That thought had also occurred to me...


The only reason I would consider staying -if I were in your position- would be for your nephew and mother (and your middle sister's party).

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 6:34pm

Goodness, I was just about to post that very thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 10:30pm

Amy sweetie,

The following is NOT good news about your mom ---

<"telling me to "drop it", "let it go", and "be the bigger person". Especially my mom. She just wants peace in her family and thinks that it's going to take me to let it go in order to bring her the peace she desires.">

There is no peace in following this line of (in)action. I agree with other posters that something is terribly wrong here with your sister, I also believe that your family members (mom) are not only WAAAYYYY off in their responses, they are being brutally unsupportive and even more deeply harmful to both you AND your sister by enabling. I do also suspect that your sister is in need of professional help, but there is not much you can do about that right at the moment, if indeed ever. Just that you should really know it, and as others have said, her actions mean nothing about YOU.

Take care of yourself, but know that you must be true to yourself. I would say IMHO that the very worst thing you can do is the above desired-by-your-mother course of (in)action. That course of action will further deplete your own sense of self-worth and you cannot afford to do this anymore! ANY other course of action will do as long as it suits you and is about taking as good of care of yourself and your true family of husband and children as you can muster.

I don't think it matters whether you attend the wedding or not, lie, be direct, in the long run what matters is that you take care of you. Show your love for your nephew in the best way open to you, even if that means not attending his wedding and letting him know how much he means to you in another way, one that cannot be shanghaied by someone's insanity....

((((HUGS)))) and smooches,

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 5:13am

Amy,

I'm really sorry for the situation you are in. I don't have any good solutions, but I wanted to offer my support and let you know you are in my thoughts. You are an exceptionally strong women, look at all you deal with daily. I'm sure you will find the right solution for you. Take care, Valerie

~Valerie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2007
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 1:51pm

My family has similar bad habits!! Your sister is out of line!! Cry, let it out~holding it in will make you physcially sick and your children need a happy healthy mama!!

Family does not mean friends, talk to your nephew...he probably understands more than you think, weddings are a celebration...celebrate! Do her makeup, if she's rude ~ just stop and walk away...take some deep breaths and hold your head high!! Don't complain about her behavior to the other wedding guests....they'll see it.

Do keep your relationship with your mama strong...she does need you exactly the way you are!! But remember those 'mean girls' are her children too!

Set your boundries and stick to them. They will always be your family, but that doesn't mean you have to be friends.

No family is perfect!!

My family is no exception, as a single unwed mother ~ the term bastard has been used more than once ~ if her own father didn't care about her 'why should anyone else?' When she was diagnosed with aspergers 5 year ago, that was my fault too! Well she's nine now, some of the family has come around, some haven't...but we are still living our happy lives!!

'No less than the stars or the trees, YOU were meant to be here!' Tammy

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