Looking for support

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Looking for support
14
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 4:22pm

Hi everyone,
I'm having a very hard time w/ my nearly 8 y.o. ds. He has ADHD & is being tested (still, sigh) for AS (which I know he has). Anyway, over the last four weeks, he has been suspended twice and today, he's home again. I had to rush to pick him up from (regular)school b/c he was sitting under his desk and refusing to do work. His teacher made many attempts to get him out of there, but she couldn't. I guess it must have been a big distraction for her because she ended up calling the office for help. One of the administrators came to get him out and at this point, he bolted. He started running out of school grounds and had to be "held," or in otherwords, restrained. I came to pick him up and he was in tears.

As soon as I saw on my caller ID that the school was calling, I knew things were bad and I suddenly couldn't think. I became weak all over my body and I couldn't think of my mom's phone number so I could call her to watch my younger son.

Anyway, I'm just looking for some words of encouragement because this situation and all the little situations I deal w/ on a daily basis are really getting to me. I want to cry but I don't know to whom. I just need a shoulder to cry on. To my kids, I have to show strength. I've tried crying w/ him, pleading, begging for him to simply follow the teacher's directions. We've had a few other times when he has tried to "escape" from school and I told him it is absolutely unacceptable. He's very smart and very sweet, but now, the other kids probably think he's odd at the very least. He has a few friends, but who knows for how long? Should I just take him out of school? I know he's going to be suspended. The Prnicipal is going to call my hubby about this because she knows he doesn't want DS to be suspended. I, on the other hand, feel like keeping my boy at home. I'm sick of always sending him off to school and not knowing when I'll hear from the school. It's happening all the time.

Has anyone been through this? Do you have any suggestions? So sorry to sound so pathetic. I hate to be pathetic, but I think that's where I'm at today. Tomorrow is another day, but today pretty much stinks.

Hugs,
Irene

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 8:58am

Hi Irene,

I am in agreement with Paula that much more needs to be done with this school. You have only a little time left of this school year, but there will need to be changes that equal more understanding and proactive accomodations. The things you describe are all part and parcel of his disability and no amount of talking with him or suspensions will help, he is not in control under those circumstances, therefore all that will happen from all this is more of the same reactions and him feeling miserable and helpless --- NOT a good place for him to go. The running is his way of trying to control himself, keep himself from becoming violent, get away from intolerable emotions and fear and rage, from those who are accusing instead of understanding (from his point of view).

Have you read "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene? Great read and great for teachers and principal. Let us know how things go. I ended up pulling my son last year from a school that so couldn't get these same problems, a special needs school BTW!!! and we have homeschooled this year. He is indeed now learning more about how to control his behavior, but not being in overwhelming situation with too much sensory stimulation and people who don't understand sure has allowed him to stay in control and now think things through. When the situation itself is just too overwhelming, no learning happens.

Stay in touch, remember that success in school does not equal success in life. If this school doesn't get with it, I sure wouldn't keep him there to go downhill. All that matters is that your child be well, grow, learn and eventually hopefully become a successful adult, whatever that will be for him. And that you be able to stay well so you can be there for him at all times. This is not his fault, it is up to grownups (all working together) to help him out.

((((((hugs))))) to you and your family.

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 10:51am

hello Irene,

I wanted to give you some encouragement from a mom on the other side. My Mike started to really go downhill at the end of 2nd grade. Being restrained, suspended, etc. It was some of the hardest times of my life.

He is now in 5th and hasn't been restrained in over 2 years. He is graduating from elementary school in 2 weeks and has one of the main roles in the school play. Not something I ever thought possible.

We did end up moving him to a special education classroom for 3rd grade. Once he was put completely in there and taken away from the stress of the mainstream he did much better. At the same time he was also taken off all meds, his diet was changed and we took away alot of the extracurricular stressors. Meds are not always the answer for AS kids who show ADHD symptoms. It helps some but it was quite detrimental in our case. You may want to perhaps try your DH's plan first with this only because I have kicked myself for years for medicating Mike. It is a slippery slope.

Mike does not need a special education classroom for the academics (he is quite able) but he does need it for the whole social stress/sensory overload thing. He actually made HUGE progress academically in the SDC classroom and his state test scores skyrocketed. He was able to focus and learn in a less stressful environment.

He is now mainstreamed for about 2/3rds of his day with a 1:1, he still has the same SDC for his homebase and 1 1/2 hours in the middle of the day for independent work (actually chill out time, lol. I teach his math at home so it is possible). His SDC teacher is his main teacher/ case manager and fabulous. She was very understanding with Mike and this helped a lot.

Good luck. I have been where you are and it is not easy. You need to take care of yourself. I found I actually had to start seeing a therapist so I could handle all the stress and still be a good parent. My marriage, my parenting, and even all my friendships tanked during this time. Taking time for myself and getting a therapist for myself was a HUGE MONSTER help for me.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 1:46pm

(((((((Irene)))))))))

Oh.....I know where you are and have been there. Still get there on bad days.

It's tough. Really tough for you with *out* school thrown into the mix. But especially tough when dealing with completely clueless school admin. and staff.

We started getting calls to pick up our DS when he was only 3 and in day care part time while I finished going to college. He was very aggressive and I'm not sure what they thought picking him up would do about it. We had no idea what was going on at the time. I suspect now that the daycare staff knew something was up becaue they referred us to our school district who evalled him twice and saw nothing. The daycare staff were surprised that they didn't see anything. They also suggested a child Psych. who saw us twice, Sam once and suggested more effective time out and better sleep. sigh. I cut my class load drastically, droppped a major, nearly stopped going altogether many many times. I was resentful and pissed off, confused and felt like the worse parent in the world because I was doing everything I could, reading child behavior books, being firm but as flexible as I could at the same time. Our life when Sam was between the ages of 3 and 5 was horrible. The only thing that kept me going were my art classes. Now that we have a second DS who is 2; I don't remember enjoying Sam at that age. They are so different and it makes me sad that we missed those years with him. I cried alot then, more than I even do now which can still be quite often :)

I graduated and Sam started going to a private preK whose staff had worked with ASD kids. They knew something was up too and worked very hard for us to help Sam. I got called once to pick him up early but there were still alot of hitting, biting and other aggressive incidents.

Sam was dx'd spring his Kindy year. He's just turning 8 now. Last year was horrible. Alot of aggressive behaviors. The placement was not appropriate, the teacher was not very felxible or patient, Sam was struggling with the work. The school called me once when he threw a rock at a child during recess. I was in meetings all year trying to get accomodations for him. Since he also was struggling academically and with attention we decided to try meds over the summer. We had previously also tried dietary interventions, OT, sensory diets, behavior modification with little help in those areas. The meds really did make a difference for him.

We are still going back and forth with the school to get him what he needs. We're in a poor district and Sam is a challenging kid; he's very social and intelligent but the AS and learing disability and ADHD really gang up on him at times and make life exeptionally difficult for him and those around him. Having school staff that knows what to do at those challenging times is the key. Suspending him is not the answer. They really do not know what is going on and their behavior is making things harder for your son. Their job is to teach him in a way that he can understand and ensure that he is safe at school both physically and emotionally. If he were feeling safe, he would not have been hiding under his desk.

I know that this year has been hard. Unfortunately, it's all those recorded incidents that will help you get him the help he needs. Given the right placement and accomodations your son can thrive in school, sadly sometimes getting what the child needs is a challenge to say the least. Once you have an official dx it will be easier. I would break out the big guns for this one. Get an advocate or hire a lawyer if you can afford one. Are there any Autism support agencies around you? There's a non profit in our area that is very helpful and offers free consultations. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? We see a PHD for Sam to help with behavior mod. ideas. It's nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of. She's also more than happy to attend IEP meetins etc to make sure Sam's emotional needs are being met at school and that he's not being over-stressed. And I meet with her sometimes privately to get things off of my chest. I've been to therapists for myself before but it's hard to get through to someone what it's like living with Sam when they're not familiar with ASDs.

I think I hate school just as much as Sam does. He's so much happier when he's at home. But I can't be his teacher. That *does not* work for us. It works great for some people, but is not an option for us. If there ever came a point that school was doing more harm than good, I'd pull him out in a second.

This got long. I hope that you can get his dx on paper soon and find someone that will help you snap these people into shape!

Chrystee

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Registered: 01-29-2004
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 7:39pm

Irene,
I am so sorry. I know exactly what you mean. I was in your situation one too many times. I got one good year with rejuviated nerve endings finally in 4th grade. If your son gets Asperger label, please look for an alternate setting for him. You cannot go on like this. If I had options, like I have now after the AS diagnosis, I would have gone Special day class for my son (which was denied previously due to his high IQ). I am at a cross road to decide and I want it to be less stressful. I think it is stressful for your son too.

take care,
Anandhi

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