mad at dh

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
mad at dh
7
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 11:21am
I am so pissed at DH today. THis morning I asked him to get Jakey ready for the sitters. THey were cuddling in the rocking chair one minute and the next he was spanking him. All b/c Jacob was wiggling around while DH was trying to change his poopy diaper. I mean come on!! Jacob is only 2. I was so pissed. I totally went off on him and he said he "didn't know how to deal with Jacob anymore." I was like WHAT? He is 2, when DD was 2 she did the same thing. THen he went on and on about how stressed he is at work. Whatever! I work too! Nevermind that I take care of the kids, get them to the sitters, feed them, clean house, wash dishes, do laundry etc etc etc. UGH!
DH is going camping tonight with his buddies and I am glad to not have to see him today when I get off work. There really is no excuse for spanking a 2 year old at 6:30 in the morning b/c he was wiggly during a diaper change. Do men ever get it?
Sonya
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: saggzz
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 2:05pm

No, I don't think men get it. My exh claims that our son is perfectly normal. That his behavior is the result of me spoiling him, etc....

I would probably cut your DH some slack. He really doesn't get it and is bound to make bunches of mistakes.

I know that's easy for ME to say. I've forgotten what it's like to live with another adult. I'm king of this castle, LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: saggzz
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 2:24pm
Nope, I'm afraid that most of the time at least, they don't get it at all. My dh is very detached. He is dealing with his own depression which I understand. Over stressed at work, yadda, yadda, yadda... but I'm dealing with kids all the time. I drive everyone back and forth all day (only have 1 car) deal with all the household stuff, have my own problems to deal with and yet still manage to handle things with patience. The mom job requirements are outrageous... we have to be psychic, gifted in every job position, and in perfect health. And that is on top of holding down an actual paying job. So when dh starts griping, I take it very badly. :(


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Mom to Erin (19) and Haley (10yo Asp
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
In reply to: saggzz
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 3:43am
Let's just say, I would probably get into a lot of trouble if DH ever turned around to look at me again after having another spat over how he needs to handle DS--or any spat for that matter. I'm going to have to break my habit of the obscene gestures and faces I make so my two boys don't pick up on them!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
In reply to: saggzz
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 12:03am

Well, I am going thru a divorce right now, so I probably shouldn't add to this thread, but I just can't help myself!!! LOL

STBX has been having difficulties dealing with BOTH boys since they started talking. He was great when they were little. Changed the diapers, nighttime feedings, played with them, paid lots of attention to them. But then.......they learned how to speak. Now their needs changed. They need someone to talk to them, be patient, understanding, and they need things explained to them. I have been spending all my time being the "go between". Making sure that the communication is there between the boys and their dad.

Well, now the boys are 7 and 10. They are frightened by his anger. He doesn't spank them or touch them in anyway that is harmful. Its his voice. Its how big he is, and how mad he gets. He just doesn't get it.

He has a hard time with Nathan, always has. He has a hard time interacting with him. He takes the boys to the movies, cuddles and wrestles with them, and plays board games occasionally. But thats about it. He does do more with Tyler, like playstation or other activities like golf or baseball. But he's more of a "fun" dad. Takes them out to eat, buys them stuff.

I do the housework, the bills, the shopping, I keep track of everything we run out of, and what we need. I make all the appointments, deal with the schools, conferences, homework, and school activities. I also do the laundry and the cooking. But mostly......I deal with the boys feelings, their emotions, I "talk" to them. The sad part, they want their dad to "talk" to them too.

The boys went to see their dad today. Tyler was upset with his dad but did not want to talk to him....he was afraid to, and nervous. So I suggested we write down his feelings. He liked that idea. He felt really great after he wrote it down, but was nervous about his dad reading it. I'm hoping that STBX reads that note, and realizes that its NOT JUST ME who feels he has anger issues. And that "I'm" not the one trying to come between him and Tyler.......he's doing that all on his own.

I'm still trying to keep their relationship intact. For Tyler....and for Nathan. But I don't think my STBX will "get it". I waited many years. And things just got worse after the dx. Its hard to be attracted to someone who does not treat your children the way they should be treated. And that, among other things, caused alot of distance between me and STBX.

So, now I wait and see....what the future holds for my boys and their relationship with their dad.

michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
In reply to: saggzz
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 12:12am

Wow...I'm still married and as of yet, there have been no serious issues regarding separation or anything...

But I have to say, your message and the description of your situation sounds like we could easily be there in 5 years (DSs are 2.5 and 5.5 months). Sheesh. Why do things have to be so hard.

Do you think your STBX has sensory/autistic issues of his own? We (including my DH) think my DH does. Hopefully, he'll snap out of it now that he's seeing himself in his son. Hopefully...

----C

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
In reply to: saggzz
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 1:01am

No, STBX is very NT. I'm the one that actually has some autie traits. I think it has alot to do with how he was raised. His parents stayed married (his dad did pass away in 96). But his mom did everything, and kept her mouth shut as her husband did as he pleased. The children (7 of them, STBX being the baby) were disciplined by their dad. And basically you did as you were told. I think STBX assumed that I would play the same role as his mom. He guessed wrong.

I grew up with divorced parents. I didn't know my dad much and my mom was mean and bitter and took her anger out on me and my siblings. I did not want my grown up life to be painful as it was when I was younger. I want to be happy, and I feel my boys need to be in a happy, relaxed environment. I don't want to repeat my childhood. Too many painful memories. I want my boys to have nice memories.

Discipline is from the word "disciple".....to teach.......not to punish. Some people just don't understand. It is possible to teach your children without making them "fear" you. I've managed just fine. My boys are well behaved not raging maniacs!! LOL And they are not afraid of me. And the plus side, they talk to me about alot of things. They know I will listen.

michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: saggzz
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 8:05am

This is exactly what I have been trying to explain to my dh. His idea of discipline is making the child afraid of you. That's the kind of household he grew up in. I have gotten into it with him about that so many times.

The thing with him is that "discipline" is the only kind of attention he gives the kids most of the time and I have tried to explain to him that there has to be a balance but he just doesn't get it. And he wonders why the kids don't want anything to do with him. Hmmm... not rocket science.

Jill



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Mom to Erin (19) and Haley (10yo Asp