Married to someone with PDD-NOS?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Married to someone with PDD-NOS?
18
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 2:03pm

Hello,


Does anyone know of an online support group for someone like me? I'm pretty sure I'm married to someone with PDD-NOS, high functioning. Poor eye contact, likes to rock himself, emotionally cut off, very little affection demonstrated, can't take a lot of sensory stimulation, needs to be alone a lot, sweet guy.


Being married to him is very lonely because of the one-way nature of it. I need support, people like me to talk to.


Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 2:42pm

Well you have come to the right place sista! My DH is an undx'd autie...most definitely. He is a music genius and has this amazing mind that can retain anything he reads...but he's not always the best at our relationship. He tends to be in his own world a lot of the time. He's a great daddy, but sometimes gets lost in his world...and needs reminded there is life outside of the music studio. He is fixated on UFO stuff...history...and of course music. He doesn't always understand people's facial expressions, gets confused by my body language, misreads social non-verbal cues, etc.

When we started down the road to finding out why our son was having such severe issues in learning to talk and be social we had to fill out tons of questionnaires. One night we were sitting at the table and each of us was filling out yet another "rate your child" form, when DH popped his head up and said "this sounds so much like me". I just shrugged my shoulders....and said...well....

So now we joke around about it...and when he is do something very autistic...I just tell him his aspergers is showing...

It can be difficult at times...but we manage. Coming here...and chatting with other moms who have BTDT...helps. And you don't have to have an autistic child to post on here. We also have a chat night were we go to a site called APOV (a point of view) on autism....and we laugh and carry on...and talk about anything and everything.

I am sure other mom's will post to you as well...there are a couple on here that also have DH's with autistic qualities.

Take care.



Jessie mommy to Gabe(5 years ASD/CAS/SID)and baby Zane (1 year old)



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Jessie mommy to Gabe(5 years ASD/CAS/SID)and baby Zane (1 year old)



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2006
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 3:53pm

I just went to a workshop(which was fantastic!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 4:45pm

Ohhhhh how I would LOVE to go to one of her workshops! Or better yet have them work with my children. But unfortunantly we live about 3 hours away from her.

Stick around "trying my best", we have a few people here who are either married to an autie, or are one or at least have some of the traits that go along with it.

Apples don't fall far from the tree...... as I sit here shaking my right leg up and down repetitively lol.

Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 7:01pm

I am also married to a man who might be on the spectrum. It can be a very lonely place to be. We also figured it out while we were trying to figure out our daughter. His mom kept telling me that there was nothing different about our daughter because my husband was the same way as a kid. He doesn't really have close friends, he did horribly at school even though he is crazy intelligent and well I could go on for hours. He is really great with what he does (IT stuff) but runs into issues sometimes because he doesn't understand office politics at all. He gets NO social nuances or body language. Luckily I really like to read, so I can give him his time to himself for his obsessions, or as he calls them hobbies. But overall he is really really sweet and caring and a great daddy, so if I have to deal with a little bit of weird, then so be it!

Kerri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 9:22pm

I totally get what you are saying about the romance part. I am really struggling with that right now too. I used to get really angry because I would do all of the sweet little things (leaving notes in his bag or buying a little gift and leaving it in his car) and get nothing in return. I understand that it has never really entered his mind to do anything in return, but it still hurts just the same. There was one mother's day that I got an ice maker. A freaking ice maker. Useful, yes..but a gift??? So in return for father's day, I got him an iced tea maker :). Now I just say exactly what I want. So I have the material end taken care of, but the emotional is still just not there. I don't really know if there is a way to get past that. He figures that if he is happy, then I must be happy too...So if you find anything useful, please share it!

Kerri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 11:01pm

Hi,
My dh was diagnosed with Asperger's a few years back. It wasn't a surprise as we pretty much knew, but it was nice to get the confirmation. I can totally relate to everything you are saying. I've also been with my husband close to 25 years as well. He's incredibly smart....but can be sooooo dumb LOL. It used to seriously tick me off when he would get me nothing for mother's day because "You are not my mother." While that is true...I'm still his son's mother. He did eventually catch on after one very silent Mother's day ;) It helps immensely if I tell him exactly what I want from him. For example, he never says hello when he walks in the door from work. I told him that it's generally a nice practice to greet your wife & son when you come in from working all day. He also will never say Bless you when someone sneezes. Just doesn't see the point in it. I've learned a lot about AS and it explains so much about why he does the stuff he does. He has come a long way and he really does try so that helps. It's hard to see other people in relationships and it seems like they don't have to work as hard. Their interactions seem so much more natural if you kwim? My dh does not do displays of affection. He never will just rest his hand on me or put his arm around me unprompted. That part is hard.

There's a really good book that I've read a couple of times on being married to an Aspie. It's called Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford.

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 1:20pm

My ds dislikes being touched as well. For both my dh & ds it is mostly a sensory thing. Once I started to really read up on AS I started to understand that these quirks (for lack of a better word ;) ) were neurological and could not be helped. My ds has prosopagnosia or face blindness. He recognizes people by their hair so facial expressions are totally lost on him. My dh can't interpret body language to save his life. He will stand to close, talk to loud and can't figure out that if he knows something why everyone else doesn't know it too.

My dh is also incredibly funny, sweet & as it turns out sentimental. I find that a lot of times I'm his interpreter out in the world and the only place he truly feels safe is at home with us.

Your dh sounds like a lucky guy to have a caring wife like you. :)

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 7:35pm

This is a great board with lots of great people. I always find it so cool when I find someone else married to an Aspie/pdd. I like to compare similarities etc.

I remember asking my husband once, I was quite angry with him at the time..."do you feel anything ever?" He told me that of course he did. That he felt things quite deeply. Those emotions just never made their way to his face. Like there was a dsconnect in the wiring between his feelings & his face. My husband rarely smiles and hardly ever changes expression. He usually looks angry to everyone else. I know him and like you, can see the subtle changes. My dh, like my ds is also filled with anxiety. This fuels a lot of behavior as well.

Sorry to ramble on and on....LOL.

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 10:36pm

Hi there, and welcome to our little corner of the "spectrum world"~

I, too, am married to an undiagnosed Aspie. After our son was first dx'd at age 4, we began to put the pieces together about my husband. One thing that I think will help you immensely, is knowledge. The more you understand about ASDs, the easier it will be for you to understand that, in most cases, he can't help being the way he is. What will be even better, is if/when he starts to understand the disorder himself. Through learning about our son, our husband has (with a lot of hard work) managed to conquer many of the behaviors that used to make me crazy. It's helped me tremendously with his career, as well.

You've found a wonderful, supportive group of people here...you'll never be judged, and many of us have been there, done that.

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Amy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 5:00am

It's Asperger's Syndrome here in our household - however it's my husband who is married to the Aspie. I'm pretty much emotionally cut off, except when it comes to our son (something dh has a hard time understanding: how I can feel more for my child than for my husband).

To be perfectly blunt, I could cope very well single. I've never been in love, never really thought about 'growing old' with anyone, and a romantic evening to me is talking about topics of interest over a nice glass of wine beside an open fire. Nothing else. And dh and I are not matched intellectually (he's intelligent but not intellectual).

Poor guy. He puts up with a lot. It is frustrating for him, but he gets his guy time through the company of his workmates, and isn't one for 'going out with the boys' at all.

Fiona

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