Maybe I've disclosed too often
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| Tue, 08-01-2006 - 12:21pm |
My 8 yo, Ian, has been having a terrible time going to sleep and last night we had a talk about it. I think he's nervous about starting school, having homework, etc. Also, he's worried about being able to find a wife. There is a little girl he's had a crush on for about 2 years. She's kind of stuck up,if you ask me. She ignores him and he's always been super nice to her. I think he's aware that he's "different" and I have discussed it with friends and neighbors who interact with him a lot because I don't want them to see some of his quirks and think he's just weird or, shame on me, that I'm a bad mother. Maybe I have disclosed it too much and have made him feel he's not going to have a "normal" life. I tried to explain Asperger's to him last night and talked to him about Bill Gates, Einstein, and Bill Nigh the Science Guy (I don't know if he has it, but Ian is a little bit like him). Ian mentioned that he learned in school about turning weaknesses into strengths, which I thought was very insightful of him to put together. I did mention that people to whom everything comes easy and have no adversity or challenges don't learn to struggle, solve problems and build character, so every obstacle is an opportunity for growth and development. But he's still concerned that he won't be accepted by the fairer sex. He does not notice all the little girls who say hi to him and want to play with him at the pool. He did say that all the girls he's ever had a crush on have only liked him as a friend. I tried to tell him he has 20+ years to find a wife and that he will grow and change a lot before then. He said someone told him you can get married in our state at any age (except babies...). I explained that no one does that, even though it's legal with parental consent. Anyway, I guess my point is, have I made him over anxious about having ADHD and Asperger's? I've always been open because I don't want it to be some deep, dark, horrible, shameful secret. I really don't think he's affected in a way that will keep him from having a family or making a living, but he does definitely have work to do on the social issues. I've tried to inform people who might otherwise judge him (or in all honesty -- my parenting). Maybe I've been more self-serving than I'd like to imagine, at his self esteem's expense.
Anyone BTDT and have some ideas for discussion to help him feel better about his social standing?
Kelly

Hi Kelly:
I haven't posted on this board before, and I just lurked here for the first time today. I thought it was funny what you posted. My fiance and I just moved in together and my son, who will be 8 in November with AS and SID, was having a hard time adjusting. I found him crying in his "new" room the other night and I asked him if he was upset because I had given him consequences for his behavior. His response: No, it's not that. It's just that I'm worried I won't make a good father. I thought that was so funny that there are other kids out there that worry about what seems to be such a silly thing to me. I gave him the same response as you, basically he wasn't going to be a dad for many, many years and that no parent is perfect.
I have been fairly open with my son also. Until recently, I never used the word Asperger's, but since we were changing to a new school, I thought that someone might potentially use this word and he wouldn't know what it meant. So we talked again about how he is different, what his good point are, where he struggles, and I told him that there was a name for people like him. I told him that he had autism, which I have said before, but I said, specifically, you have Asperger's Syndrome. His reply: So, does that mean my ass is a burger. or that I cook burgers on my ass. Now, I don't allow or encourage that language, but in all honesty I had never even thought that way for the 5 year's I was learning about this diagnosis and it honestly made me fall off my bed in tears, I was laughing so hard. I did, when I was done, of course tell him that in no way was that an ok thing to say, and that he shouldn't use those words to describe anything about himself to our new friends, classmates and neighbors... but inside, for a few moments, it helped remind me why it is that his uniqueness, while frustrating and/or disappointing at times, is just so incredibly great.
I don't have any great thoughts, just thought it might be nice to know that no matter how open or closed you are with your kids, they tend to know about themselves better than anyone, and that there are other children with teh same worries! best of luck
Mom to:
Dominic (7) and Nathan (4)
both intact and healthy!
Kelly,
Welcome. I don't think you have disclosed too much, and I don't think his worries are related to his difference. I don't talk much to my 8yo about his differences. I never gave it a name. I tell him his brain works a bit differently, but so does Mom's (ADHD) and wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same etc etc...
I think it was almost a year ago when I found him crying in bed because he doesn't know who his wife is going to be and he's SEVEN already! He sounded like the world was going to end!
As he does well with rules, I told him that now is not the time to worry about that. Now was his time to be a kid and have fun, and all the girls want to be kids and have fun and they are not looking for husbands right now. Later they will start looking for husbands, and he, being so handsome, would probably be flooded with offers...
It seemed to help a bit, He still needs some reminding.
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
That is so funny your son thought of that because I was always afraid that someone's parents might say (in front of their kids) something about "ass burgers" and make a joke of it. Not so funny is that I've worried some not nice child will start something about that at school and it would be extremely hard for Ian to go to school if anyone taunted him like that.
I have noticed that the grown-ups just love Ian. They can't get over how "mature" his language is and extensive his vocabulary. The other kids, of course, are not going to be nearly as impressed. I think the end of second grade some kids were already segregating into cliques and he was left out of some of them. He only received one invitation to a birthday party. I don't know whether a lot of parents just aren't doing them or whether he's actually being left out. I suspect the latter. I think that may be part of why he's worried about getting a wife. The girls are already starting in on that phase where they freeze "undesirable" people out.
It is good to know he's not the only kid thinking that far into the future (although I wish he'd think more about what kind of work he's going to do, LOL!).
Kelly
Thanks, Paula.
They really do have real worries that seem insurmountable to them, even if to us those worries seem way "out there."
Thanks for sharing that.
Kelly