Mean and unkind words/treatment

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mean and unkind words/treatment
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Sun, 03-12-2006 - 8:54pm

This is really starting to bug me. The affectionate thread kind of brought it to mind again so I figure I would look for some ideas or just rant.

Mike has been terribly mean sometimes lately. He will come home with notes from school that he was unkind to friends or making fun of them. When he gets annoyed at all he is mean to me in particular. I am an "idiot", "stupid" am told to "shut up", growled at, elbowed, and just plain nasty.

I guess I am not the only one putting up with it. My SIL tells me her guy is doing it too and making her nuts. We have both tried ignoring, redirecting, timeouts to no avail. It certainly isn't curbing the behavior.

I have decided that enough is enough. I understand he doesn't get social appropriateness or niceness. I understand he is usually overwhelmed about something but he is not going to treat people like that.

After school, if there is an incident he loses access to electronics until he and I discuss it and come up with more appropriate ways to handle whatever the next time. Kind of mini social stories. But that isn't really working either.

Honest, I want to send him to the moon permanently about now. Today in church after being a complete jerk he tried to give me a hug. I told him I didn't want one. That he was very mean to me and mustn't like me much and I was very upset with him. That made an impression for about 1 minute.

He used to be very sweet and affectionate. He would have outbursts but not this mean stuff like this. And he was more affectionate and sweet than difficult. It is like teen years hitting early and I don't like it very much at all. I will not be his punching bag.

Grrrrrr

Renee

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Registered: 09-17-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 9:06pm

Renee,

(((HUGS))) I don't have any words of wisdom. I have a mean and nasty one too. If I knew how to stop it I would pass it along. I'm hoping someone else chimes in with something that will help.

Beverly

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 9:27pm

Funny, I said almost the same exact thing to my SIL on the phone tonight. Her boy has always been a major sweetheart but has lately started this too and just with her.

Renee

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Registered: 09-17-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 9:31pm

I think that mom's get it worse than anyone else because deep down they know that we will still be there for them tomorrow - no matter how bad today was. I'm just waiting for the tomorrow that is better than today.

Beverly

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Registered: 02-20-2001
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 10:10pm
((((Hugs))))...no words of wisdom either but I feel for you.

 


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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 10:20pm

It is a tough one Tina because there are lots of things kids need to learn is unacceptable. It is even more important for our kids to learn what is unacceptable becaues of their needs and to become independent. However, they often have a LOT harder time learning that these things are unacceptable.

At this rate I never see Mike able to keep a job or live independently unless he really makes alot of progress in these areas. Some things are worse then when he was 3-4 and for him lots of these things I don't see as getting better. They do for phases and then BAM worse again.

He recently started hitting me again. Aggression is one thing I really thought we had overcome. He has the occasional impusive outburst on his brother but he hadn't aggressed to me or his teachers in nearly a year and suddenly it is starting again. Makes me wonder if we will ever get by this.

Renee

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 9:30am

(((hugs)) Renee it is tough trying to get through to Sam too about this stuff. Perspective taking, I guess. But then it seems like he thinks, "yeah, I get it, but I really don't care." which is terrible annoying and concerning for me. I keep meaning to try Comic Strip conversations. Have you seen those? They're like drawn social stories where the child kind of acts out the situation and has to write down what people have said and what they may have been thinking at the time. Sam is struggling with reading/writing so that's just more stress to put on him, but I think when he is more comfortable with it, it could be helpful. Especially since he enjoys comic books.

Lately, he's been doing something new during meltdowns, if it's over not getting something he wants. He wanted to watch something on tv but it wasn't an option for some reason or another (too long, school night, that kind of thing.) He was having a crying fit over it but we kept calm and told him it wasn't up for discussion and that it was time to stop crying. He gets stuck and can't calm himself so I remind him to slow down and breath through his nose. Lately he's been saying, "I'll stop crying if you do X." while still almost hyperventilating. Which initially sounds really manipulative but kind of funny when I think about it outside of the situation. But also a very normal kid thing to do.....for a 2 or 3 year old (Sam's 7) but I'm used to him being a little immature in those ways. It's a step in the right direction. He used to just cry uncontrollably, start drooling and screaming that he couldn't stop and needed help.

I'm with you on the behavior thing. It's best to try to prevent outbursts from sensory overload...etc, but if something inappropriate happens there still should be some kind of consequence. Do you think this has to do with the early puberty again? I know that he's still terribly young, but it does sound like he gets out of sorts for some unexplainable reason......like PMS or something.

It might be one of those time you just have to ride it out, unfortunately. I hate those times! I want to do something to fix the situation so I'm not going mad, but then sometimes I just can't!!!

Chrystee

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Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 10:04am

((HUGS)) from me too, Renee. You've been through the wringer recently, it seems. Do you have any kind of getaway coming up? (Preferably for the weekend?) It seems like you could really use some time to yourself...

Sylvia is only 4, but already the biggest concern I have about her is her lack of empathy. She's not yet old enough to be saying mean things about other people (and her verbal skills aren't there yet, either) but I have no doubt that we'll be dealing with that problem within a few years. She just doesn't seem to care at all what other people are feeling. And yes, logically I know that she doesn't know how to put herself in other people's shoes, doesn't pick up on emotions or social cues, etc... but still, it bothers me. She's just not a caring person, and I think that above all else, it's important to me that she become a caring person...

Jennifer

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 11:41am

Renee,

I'm so understanding you! We have been really having a hard time w/ this sort of thing lately. About a year ago, Weston went through a big developmental jump. He began saying words when he was angry, frustrated, happy, surprised, etc. However, the words are almost always inappropriate for the situation or if they are appropriate they're usually ugly.

I went to a conference on social skills about a month ago. It was great. gave me lots and lots of things to think about and different angles to approach things from. When we had a negative situation at home we now discuss it, have a social story if necessary, but we're also practicing through role play how we'll approach the problem and what we'll say the next time. We make Weston actually say the words-- also since the confrontations w/i our family are almost always w/ Amelia and Martha we make them role play and say the appropriate things as well (it's good practice and then Weston isn't the only one that's always in the wrong).

Dh and I are also talking about video taping them and editing the tape, so that we can show him appropriate interactions with him in the interaction, which per the speaker I hear makes it easier for them to 'see' themselves doing the behaviors and adapting the behaviors to other situations and interactions.

Weston is most mean and nasty to me (he's never been physical w/ me, but says some awful things). I think it's because I love him no matter what, and even if he doesn't understand that exactly he knows I'm the most constant in his life.

Betsy

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 5:39pm

Thanks guys.

Bit of an update on the situation. My boss is also a casual friend from church. She has a son about the same age as Mike and they did hang out once or twice a few years ago but Mike isn't really good with those things and they didn't hit it off. Well, Friday night we met them at the church fish fry. Mike seemed interested in her son again (even though he didn't remember who he was) and she had offered after that to have Mike over occasionally with her son and work on some social skills as well as to have a friend.

Today I was explaining my frustrations with Mike and she took the invite back for now. I can't blame her but she has other small children and until he can control his language she really doesn't want to expose her kids to that. I totally understand her position, I wasn't terribly comfortable sending him over because of his ability for behavior problems.

IT JUST ROTS!!!!! This is how life just goes. He needs social experience but until he learns that it really is important to control himself and be appropriate he won't be able to get that social practice. Catch 22. As they get older and older more is expected from them and he is falling further behind.

Jennifer - good idea on the weekend BUT I tried that a couple months ago and it was a complete disaster. DH's parents decided to be helpful, DH was fairly useless and I got calls all weekend about problems with Mike involving my inlaws, etc. I won't be going again for a while. He is driving me nuts but unfortunately no one else can really handle him. DH and I were thinking of going away for a weekend for our anniversary in May but I don't know if we can. We can split the kids up and send them to grandparents (2 and 2) for an overnight but 2 is REALLY pushing it for Mike with anyone. Even my mom.

Renee

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Registered: 10-03-2004
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 6:50pm

(((((HUGS))))) RENEE!!!

How tough. I wish often there were a magic pill. I really do, and neat as our kids are, I just don't wish the trouble and struggles they (and we) have on anyone ever. Where is there a real cure?

It certainly isn't like Malcolm never has angry moments, and he was hitting and striking out at the end of Day Camp last summer, and continued to really be out of control for a few months --- not continuously, but enough to freak us out. So far we have been lucky in being able to get his anxiety back under control and so far, he has continued to make progress even around setbacks. And so far we are also not looking at an early puberty (SILENT SCREAM)...

Have you and dh ever looked into RDI exercises and program at all? RDI is designed to teach the missing social responses ASD kids do not develop naturally by artificially practising the skills. I just want to say that we have noticed the most significant changes in Malcolm in these areas through the RDI work his ASD school provided, and we are just starting now to work with his past ASD school psych --- who designed the in-school RDI program --- so we can continue the RDI program with him more at home. RDI is a huge and long-term program, although as both you and your dh are professionals in the field, you might really be able to quickly read, digest and redesign the exercises and ideology to working with Mike. There is a huge element of improvisation in doing RDI, specific to your child and most successful when integrated constantly into every day life as "games". We have also been practising RDI some with Malcolm all along, although not religiously by any means. Right now, our main RDI activities at home happen around sharing chores such as laundry and dishes, and a few games we created outdoors when walking, such as "spy" where we make decisions and communicate as we walk only using gesture and eye contact so noone can overhear us and know our secret plans... If you are even a little interested in trying any RDI, I would buy the main 2 books (one full of activity ideas for the different levels) and the dvd online, a few hundred bucks, and try out some of the techniques.

I know you also have Mike with a talk therapist, and we also have Malcolm doing that. His work with her has also really helped him with understanding his own feelings and empathizing with others around him, etc. How goes Mike's therapy, any help for him?

Can't you and your boss set up ways Mike can be with this other boy and work on social skills when her other 2 children could be otherwise occupied? Seems like this could be a good opportunity, because Mike is actually interested, and maybe the setup of how it might happen could be retooled?

Anyways, I also just want to send much light and love and KIND THOUGHTS your way. This is a tough road we tread... Not to mention long and exhausting.

MORE (((((((HUGS)))))))

Sara

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