Mean and unkind words/treatment

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mean and unkind words/treatment
13
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 8:54pm

This is really starting to bug me. The affectionate thread kind of brought it to mind again so I figure I would look for some ideas or just rant.

Mike has been terribly mean sometimes lately. He will come home with notes from school that he was unkind to friends or making fun of them. When he gets annoyed at all he is mean to me in particular. I am an "idiot", "stupid" am told to "shut up", growled at, elbowed, and just plain nasty.

I guess I am not the only one putting up with it. My SIL tells me her guy is doing it too and making her nuts. We have both tried ignoring, redirecting, timeouts to no avail. It certainly isn't curbing the behavior.

I have decided that enough is enough. I understand he doesn't get social appropriateness or niceness. I understand he is usually overwhelmed about something but he is not going to treat people like that.

After school, if there is an incident he loses access to electronics until he and I discuss it and come up with more appropriate ways to handle whatever the next time. Kind of mini social stories. But that isn't really working either.

Honest, I want to send him to the moon permanently about now. Today in church after being a complete jerk he tried to give me a hug. I told him I didn't want one. That he was very mean to me and mustn't like me much and I was very upset with him. That made an impression for about 1 minute.

He used to be very sweet and affectionate. He would have outbursts but not this mean stuff like this. And he was more affectionate and sweet than difficult. It is like teen years hitting early and I don't like it very much at all. I will not be his punching bag.

Grrrrrr

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 7:14pm

Thanks Sara,

He has made alot of improvements with the "talk therapist" she is more a play therapist and he goes with another boy. He can do it in there but generalizing is still an issue. He has made progress in mny areas (maintaining a conversation, conversatonal skills, being able to play a game and be a good sport) but there is so much more to go. She has recomended a social skills group for him but I don't know yet. Typically adding things like that (stressful) just adds to his behavior.

One frustration has been with games. School and the therapist both worked on being a good sport and being able to play games over the last year. Mike made tons of progress and met the goal. He was doing great. Well, all of a sudden the old troubles with games are back. The teacher is going to drag out the old social story and start from scratch again. Therapist is too.

RDI isn't much of an option for us. My DH is a district autism specialist and he really doesn't buy RDI as a treatment at all. He thinks Gutenstein is a Salesman along the lines of a car salesman and his data is flawed in his "studies". That is his oppinion, don't shoot the messenger. Myself, I went to a small thing about it in district a year ago and it gave me that distinct salesman/pyramid scheme feeling so I haven't looked into it further.

I know lots of parents who swear by it though. There are lots of similar activities I do at home but with DH's feelings on the matter and my bad experience I just can't justify the cost involved.

As for my boss, her son is LD and ADHD as it is. He also can be a challenge behaviorally so she really doesn't want him exposed to that as well. She would be openning a can of worms for herself. I can't imagine it would actually work anyway currently. And she actually has 4 younger kids. One of whom is a 3yo who repeats everything.

Am I feeling defeatest or what after your nice post with inspiration, lol. I will get over it soon.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 9:42pm

(chiming in late)

This is a tough one. I have a similar problem, but Peter himslf is usually the target. He will call himself names and hit himself. You can't really impose a zero-tolerance rule on that, and you certainly can't seperate him from himself, so it's an interesting wrinkle on a similar problem.

Each night before he goes to sleep, I ask him to tell me three nice thngs about Peter. Sometimes he can do it, sometimes he can't. On the days that he can't, I tell him three nice things. This is an attempt to have him feel positive about himself. I might bring up sone of the 'nice' things when he is feeling negative towards himself. OK it hasn't worked so far, but I am hoping for a cumulative effect!!

You may want to try similar with Mike: "Tell me three nice things about Mom".

The other thing I try to do at night (this is usually the best time to talk to him) is to talk about an incident which may have occurred that day, and discuss ways we might deal with it differently the next time. Of course, my dude being so literal: The EXACT same scenario has never occurred twice, so I have no idea if this strategy works, but planting seeds here. Maybe someday they will bloom...

:/

((((((Hugs)))))

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 4:41pm

Dear Renee,

I agree with you about Gutstein and the car salesman aspect, but I do think some of the techniques they write about really do help. When I use the games and practise the techniques, I see Malcolm relax, laugh and relate more. I really do find him more cooperative and interactive. And his current ability to play with other kids was way boosted by the school RDI games.

I do not suggest doing the expensive training and consulting. Again, the books and dvd are more than enough and the total is barely $200. And you 2 might not even want the dvd, but it was very helpful for my dh, in getting him to understand how to improvise and creat RDI-type scenarios. However IMHO more than half the dvd is Gutstein sales job and eminently miss-able.

We of course have been lucky in that the re-tooled RDI therapy was provided by Malcolm's ASD school for free all day during class etc., then we just read the books and talked with the school psych, and adapted from the RDI techniques. Which is what you are supposed to do, actually. But we didn't have to buy anything but the dvd.

Anyways, I totally relate to your "defeatist" stance, really I do. I don't often bring those feelings here, as I have many other ASD parent friends I lean on in NYC. Also, frankly, I am often just too tired to do tons of posting here, I barely stay awake past 10 pm every single night!!! So when I really feel overwhelmed and hopeless, I just do not have the energy to write, period! But it occurs to me that you all might think I am always in a good mood, inspirational and optimistic and that is just not so...

Hang in there. Well, I know you will, but I want to send you many strong supportive vibes anyways. Just remember, there is NO predicting how a child will eventually function, none. And Mike is a super unique individual, by all reports. One of my ASD mom-girlfriends and I were howling the other day at the idea that if either of our sons actually ever end up getting married, we'd have to be carried in on a stretcher, we'd be so used up at that point. OK, so we WILL be there, not missing that for anything, front and center at the wedding, bawling our eyes out at the tops of our lungs, dressed to the nines but actually unable to get up off the stretcher.

Sara

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