Meltdown--did I do ok??

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Registered: 02-01-2005
Meltdown--did I do ok??
2
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 3:58pm

Ok here's the scenario:

I'm working in office; dd, age 5 and ds age 6 (AS?) are playing in Living room. Suddenly ds starts crying "No, don't tell!" and dd runs to me smiling and saying ds called her a 'p**phead' (BTW, where on earth do they get this stuff??--school?)

Ds runs in crying and hugging me, saying please don't spank me. I asked if I spanked him yesterday. He looked startled and stopped crying long enough to say no. What about the day before? No. When was the last time? Don't know. I assured him no spanking was in his near future and just tell me what happened. He starts crying and hugging again and says he can't talk -- meltdown ensues. In the meantime I sent dd to her room for quiet time on the bed w/leapster. We will soon discuss her urge to tattle, especially since that is a source for most of Ethan's meltdowns. (suugesstions on handling that issue?)I asked ds to apologize to dd, but he said he couldn't remember how or what to say. ok--that's new. I told him what to say (still very calmly) but he kept rubbing his eyes and crying, so I decided to wait til after nap.

Ethan's meltdowns start with crying and begging me to hold him--which I try to do. I speak softly and calmly and encourage him to calm down--the last few times we have ended up with him asking to lay with me on the bed and he falls asleep. He never takes a nap usually. He's asleep now--20 minutes after incident.

I know that meltdowns are scary for him, but I also don't want him to use it as a method of avoiding consequences. (BTW, we RARELY spank and then only for dangerous acts or outright defiance. Maybe 2 x's a year per kid. )

Also, I don't want dd to think ds is getting special treatment. I'm sure in her eyes this was not fair--ds did wrong, but he got to lay down with mommy for a few minutes and got the attention she seems to crave.

I can use some advice from those who have been there. We are still waiting for dx, but I don't need the dr to tell me what a meltdown looks like--so I do need help in dealing with it.
TIA!
Debbi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 5:31pm

Debbi,

First, I think you handled the meltdown very well. You helped him calm down and then still was firm about the innappropriate behavior. As he gets older you will be able to teach him more and more self calming methods as well.

I did have some thoughts though, just thinking out loud, and it has more to do with the sibling relationship with an AS child than the meltdown. Sometimes dealing with sibling issues is harder to me. The meltdowns can be straightfoward if not all energy consuming.

You mentioned your daughter thinking that you being with Ethan wasn't fair. My husband has a wonderful quote I love. Fair isn't everyone getting the same, it is everyone getting what they need.

Anyway, first, meltdowns don't tend to come out of the blue. I would wonder why your son used that word in the first place. I know that in my house this sort of thing has happened a million times. Here is a typical situation. The AS child is bugging the NT child and not playing the way the NT wants too. The ASer is insisting on things their way and being inflexible. Perhaps they have some item the NT child wants but just won't share. Then the NT begins to quietly push the ASers buttons, knowing how easy it is to do. The ASer explodes and breaks a mom rule. Then the NT tattles so that the ASer is given a consequence and said NTer gets the ASer out of the way.

By this point the ASer is already upset due to thier buttons being pushed. They may have been overstimulated already due to the nature of the play time. Even if it was good, unstructured play is hard and can be overstimulating. Suddenly, after having buttons pushed they break a rule and mom is finding out so now they are in trouble. Meltdown ensues.

Anyway, not sure that was the case here. (Though it was the tattling that brought that thought to mind. That is always the clue for me).

This is a typical phase kids go through. It is hard for kids who are NT when they are raised with ASD kids. It brings up a whole host of issues on top of typical sibling issues and some of it is typical sibling stuff with an AS twist. The ASers can't communicate as well and are easily manipulated, plus don't have the play skills of an NTer.

One thing I often have to remember is that even though my ASers are older than their NT siblings, in many ways socially and emotionally they are much younger. It was hard this year really realizing that in many ways Dave is passing up Mike developmentally and there are 4 years in age difference. I have to think how I need to react to Mike the way he needs which unfortunately often is more like a 4yo than a 10yo particularly with things like this.

And again, fair is everyone getting what they need. Unfortunately for my NT daughter she needs more direction and higher expectations than her sibs. But she also needs loads of positive reinforcement and alone mom time. I try to balance them and it helps. But we also go through the "fair" stuff. She has gotten to an age (8) where she asks alot of questions and is beginning to understand how her brother is different and what that means. She asks loads of questions and is Mikes biggest advocate. Not so much with her sister but Cait is more typical Aspie and teen girl where Mike is more autistic.

HTH

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 6:57pm

Debbi,

I have an NT (9yrs old) and an HFA (7yrs old). And this happens in my house all the time. Tyler loves to push Nathan's buttons. He knows his brother very well!! He knows that just mentioning "moms" name... will send Nathan screaming!!

What I do is work on calming Nathan down first. Once he's calm, I explain what he did, why is was wrong, etc. Then I turn my attention to Tyler. I go over what he should've done, what he should NOT do, and I also remind Tyler about how we are supposed to be helping Nathan. Aggravating Nathan only causes more meltdowns and misunderstandings.

Getting Nathan calm after a meltdown does take time. And he doesn't like being told that he did something wrong. But I don't want him to think that what he did was acceptable. He does need to know. My punishment to Nathan.....is explaining what he did wrong. Any further punishment for Nathan would lead to confusion. Mostly, because he is still learning the rules. He has to actually comprehend what he did wrong before I could even begin to enforce any kind of punishment.

Now with Tyler, I've been explaining autism to him since he was 6yrs old. He has lots of questions about his brother, and really does want to learn about him. But this has also been very difficult for him. I keep him involved ....I promised him this when he was 6. That I would always let him know what's going on with Nathan. That in itself has made him feel extremely important. He learns from watching me. And has actually been a tremendous help with Nathan. He has taught him alot of play skills, helps him with his fears, helps reinforce his basic need skills, and has learned how to "talk" and "explain" things to Nathan.

I don't tend to punish my kids when they have a dispute or an arguement....because it's usually from a misunderstanding or some kind of confusion. Talking really seems to work for us though. It is difficult having an autie and an NT....I'm constantly having to switch modes!!! LOL They talk differently, understand differently, their wants and needs are different, and they learn differently. It was harder when they were younger, but as they have grown up.....they are very close. Best friends.

HTH,

michelle