mommy time
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mommy time
| Mon, 01-21-2008 - 9:33pm |
my daughters psychologist came today during nap time so she could talk just to me. and she actually told me that i should do more for me, make more "mommy time" haha i know in sounds great and all but honestly taking a 15 min bath is me time isnt that enough! haha im not sure what she expects. i think she was trying to say nicely that im obsessing over my daughter!
do any of you all ever feel like you would take more time for yourselves and your children been more typical ??
Amy H.



I've been told the same thing by my kids' therapist (about taking more time for myself). I got the sense that it was less about obsessing over my kids and more about keeping me healthy, so I'm less worn out/depressed and thus better able to respond to my kids' needs positively. I absolutely believe the truthfulness of this, but I have no idea how I'm supposed to miraculously make this time available to me! (Since finances don't permit us to bring in paid help, the therapist suggested I look to the high school to find a local teenager who needs to perform service hours who could help with the kids. Although a teenager could help my kids with homework or social skills, etc., I don't feel comfortable just leaving my kids with someone I don't know very well or who doesn't know what to do when my kids are having a meltdown, just so I can have "me" time.)
If my kids were NT instead of AS, yes, I think I'd get more "me" time. I have two NT kids as well as two AS kids, and I see a definite difference in their independence and the amount of supervision I need to give them. I've also been able to leave my 4yo NT dd for playdates without me, but that was rarely a possibility with my AS kids.
The psychologist is right. I admit this from years of obsessing on my kids issues. A couple years ago my kids were going through a rough patch, my youngest had just started kindie and I was getting severely depressed, gaining weight, stressed WAY TOO MUCH, etc. It is not an option of if they were more typical, we have to be more than just mom, we have to be us too.
It isn't so much not spending time or being a good mommy but we have to have time to be more than autism. Being one dimensional and always worried about the kids and development isn't good for our mental health and as such isn't good for our kids. If we become that obsessed and stressed it is going to affect our ability to parent.
I got a therapist about that time. The single best thing she did for me was to convince me to begin to do this and helped guide me through it but it was much more than a 15 minute bath. That would have done nothing.
Here were her questions to me:
1) who were you and what did you enjoy before kids?
2) What do you want to do with your life (ie what do you want to be when you grow up)
After we discussed that over weeks she started to encourage me to get a very very part time job a couple hours a week just when kids were in school. Then she encouraged me to go back to school. This year I am finishing my special ed credential FINALLY (started teaching pre-kids and had been home for 9 years) and have a job doing what I love love love to do part time.
I have to modify and go slower. I have to work it within my most important job which is autism mom, but I have part of me back and it really really really helped my emotional and mental state.
It is more than your emotional state. You can't let autism take over your life or your kids lives. They are still children first, you are mom first of a child who is a child. Sometiems it feels like everything is autism but eventually you have to take a step back from that and just be you and your family as normally as you can. Honest it is best for all of you.
Renee
Ditto to everything that Renee said! It is very important to work to hold on to part of yourself, or at least weave yourself in as much as possible. I have been so overinvolved in the raising of my son that I was getting very sick myself, and that wasn't doing anyone any good. Even my own son would tell me to go do something for myself lol!!!
I was a theatre artist (actor, producer, director) and kept working in theatre for almost 7 years after becoming a mom until we got the dx --- he had started MANY therapies for delays and issues, but we didn't find out ASD until older --- and anyways by that point I needed to work my now fulltime OTHER job, fitness teaching, to pay for all the added therapies after the dx. And I NEEDED to pull back from theatre in order to focus on son and marriage. But we went through too many school changes and fights with Ed Boards, etc. plus our child had so many struggles, now we are homeschooling -- I am glad I did back away for that time, because I needed to. But I almost fell completely apart last year. Now I have been slowly adding back theatre, in a part time manageable way (which I didn't know was possible, cuz I always did theatre in such a 24/7 sort of way...) and I also started therapy last year ... and this has really helped. Plus in my case, I also went on a mood stabilizer and thank goodness!!! I got so down and depressed that I could barely function, I can sure do without that!!!!!
But when I didn't have time to do much for myself, I spent loads of time talking, on the phone mostly to my sister and a few other understanding friends. I made friends with the parents of my ds' friends who were like him, there is nothing like others who understand and who are there WITH you and this BOARD is great, too. It is still hard to find time just for me, but I have started going to a few social events with friends and have to start rescheduling date time with my husband, we always used to do that until the homeschooling/big Board of Ed fighting.
But an over-exhausted, stressed out Mom does no one any good and I have to keep that in mind as I plan and organize our lives. One of the most important things I do now is keep an earlier bedtime, and I am being much more careful with my nutrition, one of those things I was pretty on top of for my FAMILY, but... getting enough exercise is easy for me because of my business, but I always need more rest and healthier food!
And always remember to add on hugs and kisses and laughs with your family as much as you can, it's just good medicine for you all!
yours,
Sara
I think every parent wishes for more "me" time at one point or another.