Move closer to dad or not?

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Registered: 02-24-2004
Move closer to dad or not?
6
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 12:37pm

The boys seem to be wanting something different.

Nathan wants to stay here.....and Tyler wants to move closer to his dad. STBX live 1 hr away. I have always known that Tyler wants to be closer, but I just found out lastnight that Nathan does not want to move.

He says..."It will be hard". I just can't ignore this statement. I know it will be hard. And there are lots of good and bad reasons to move. But THIS reason, really makes me want to stay here.

The problem........Tyler will be hurt. He will think that Nathan always gets his way, and that I don't want him to be closer to his dad. I'm just not sure how to explain this to him without him getting mad. We have not sold this house yet, so moving isn't going to happen for awhile. Either we will move 1hr away..or just find an apartment nearby.

Nathan wants to stay at his school. He doesn't want to change schools, and I know that this will be very difficult for him. Tyler is all for leaving his school and his friends just to be closer to dad. I completely understand both of their reasons. But even if I tell Tyler the reason we are not moving is because of something else...........he will eventually hear it from Nathan, that he, himself, did not want to move. And THIS will make Tyler question me. He will know that we stayed because of Nathan. And he will feel that HIS feelings do not count.

Anyway, I'm just rambling now. I don't have to discuss it with Tyler right now. But I will have to eventually. Any ideas? Advice? What would you do?

michelle

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Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 3:14pm
I would base the decision on what makes life easier for you as the caregiver. If it makes either one unhappy no matter what you do, you need to make an executive decision based on what works best for overall less stress for you. If it means that Nathan being uprooted will cause more disruption for you than you need to deal with, then that is the facts of life. If it's easier for you to move them closer to dad where you will have less gas money to spend, more support or whatever then you will do your best to make it the smoothest adjustment you can. You are the one who will have to deal with the consequences so you should take care of yourself first in this situation so you will have more to offer them as their caregiver. It may be a bummer to one or the other, but life is full of disappointments and devil's choices. It's not like you asked to be in this position either. One of them may be mad for awhile, but they will forgive you sooner or later. Do what's best for your peace of mind. That is not selfish since a less stressed mom makes a happier mom and is a bigger gift.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 4:00pm

I couldn't have said it any better than LR. One thought was though, that living closer to STBX might make it easier for you that he might be with them more or longer which will be better for you. And, as hurt feelings cool down, you two may be able to be friends and he may be willing to help you out more. As it stands now, my xh has seen the boys twice in the last month for a total of 2 hours. I am burning out. Consider what might work out best for you. Kids will adjust.

~V

~Valerie
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 11:54pm

Ummmmm, well.....devil's advocate alert.

If the boys are in the school they have always been in then obviously it was dad who moved an hour away? no? Why can't he move to be closer to his boys rather than uprooting them?

I know Tyler wants to be near dad. I am guessing (and just guessing) that as a NT child of recently separated/divorced parents he wants things to be the way they were before the separation and that is his reasoning. Kids are not neccessarily good at knowing what they really want. He has really strong feelings about having the family back together etc so he is not able to see beyond that to what it will be like to change schools, leave his friends, etc. Will they really get to see him more if they are closer? Will that be a good thing for them? Will they have stability.

I would take both of thier feelings and thoughts into account then make the decision for what you believe will be best.

I also think that dad could do the moving as he will have less to uproot.

Renee

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Registered: 09-09-2005
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 7:23am

Renee, get out of my head!!!


A few years after my parents split (I was 12) my Dad decided to move 4 hours away (in Ireland with crappy roads, so 4 hours was really 4-6).

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Registered: 06-25-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 8:03am

I don't think it's as simple as "Nathan says/Tyler says". I think there are numerous factors to be taken into account: School, housing prices, school, friends, employment opportunities, doctors, school, proximity to other family members, what is best for you, and school.

-Paula

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Registered: 02-24-2004
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 12:10pm

Thanks everyone!

Well, moving to where STBX is...is actually my hometown. My mom and my brother live there as well. I don't have any ties here, I don't have any friends. Having my mom and brother around would help with babysitting and other things that I may need help with. I don't have any friends there either, but I do know people. The town is smaller, cost of living is cheaper, but not much anything else...like I said...its small.

The other thing is that STBX changes jobs every 2-4 yrs. So, I have been thinking more about that too. What if he moves back here? Then the boys would be an hour away from him again!!! That doesn't sit well with me. But, I would still have family closer.

I think I will be fine, no matter where we live. I can manage. But I keep thinking about Nathan.....telling me that it would be too hard.

My parents divorced too when I was little, so I completely understand the boys and their feelings. I really want to take into account how they feel. As my feelings were never considered.

I'm also not sure of how the school district is with autism. I will have to look into what kind of programs, if any, that they have and see if it would work for Nathan or not.

Just so many things to think about...........

Thanks again!! I will keep you all updated!

michelle