My ds called me an....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
My ds called me an....
9
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 9:53pm

a--hole!!! I cannot believe that came out of my baby's mouth. He had his first sleepover the night before last (yay!!!)and when he got home he was a bit out of sorts. He was playing his gameboy and got mad when he lost...came stomping over to me, said it was my fault and then spit in my face. I told him to give me his game. This is huge for him. It's really the only thing that I can take that makes a difference. He blew a gasket. Went into my room, slammed the door and screamed "damnit" Then said "I hate you, you a$$hole." I went into the room and I was yelling fairly loudly when he burst into tears and put his hands up and kept saying don't hurt me, don't hurt me. I have no idea where that is coming from. We don't spank, so I don't know why he would say something like that. I did take his game and he lost it for quite awhile. I told him that mom and dad have never, nor would we ever hurt him. We love him more than anything and would never, ever hurt him. He said he knew that. I asked him had anyone ever hurt him? He said no. I have in the past had to explain that when I yell I'm just angry. I still love him. He used to, when I was angry, think that I didn't love him anymore and would just sob and sob so I really try very hard not to yell. To be calm and consistent with the discipline. Generally that works rather well, but this time I just started yelling. Now I feel about an inch big. Why do you think he would react that way? I asked him several times if anyone has ever hurt him or made him feel afraid and he said no. I think its my voice being so loud. He was terrified. I felt awful. I did feel like an a--hole.

Jen

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 10:17pm

Oh Jen,

If I had a nickel for every time ds comes out with a random swear word I thought there was no way he'd know...lol!

And yes, i've been there where he flinches like I beat him everyday of his life, even though I've barely smoothed his eyebrow out. They are just sometimes an enigma. Perhaps he learned some new "choice" words from his sleepover (boys and all), and was still coming down from that. How old is ds?

Dee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 11:03pm

Hey Dee,
Billy is 8. He's dropped the F bomb too, but I'd never heard him use this one. At least he wasn't in church when he chose ot use it!LOL. He's still all grumpy and tired from the sleepover too. Way too much stimulation I think.

P.S.
I love your hair. Very cool.

Jen

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 11:17pm

You know, Liam's language was at its absolute worst when in the EBD class last Fall ....omg he'd have made my Granny blush with his wordage then!! After he was sent to the ASD room, all's well again (ish)

ah yes the hair!...just had it reshaved today....love the #3 buzz, lol.

Dee

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Registered: 06-10-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 1:12am
Oh wow, Jen! That made me tear up! I've been there so often. I remember about 3 years ago Chelsea and I were at the park with tons of people around. She started having one of her tantrums because a fly touched her apple. I told her that she either needed to calm down or we were going to leave. Well, that threw her into a screaming fit. I grabed her by the arm and started walking her over to the car. We get about 5 feet from the car door and she flings her arms up over her head and drops to the ground shouting "Mommy, don't beat me. Don't beat me Mommy. I'll be good... I promise!" I could have died!!! I had to lean down and tell her quietly, but sternly that if she didn't get into the car NOW that I would box everything up that was in her room and put it in the garage for a whole week. Something that I would never do and, of course, haven't ever done. But it was effective for that moment. Chelsea got into the car and buckled up. I was walking around the car to get into the drivers seat when a woman stopped me and told me that she was going to call the police for abuse. I reached into my purse, got out one of my business cards, handed it to her and told her the authorities could reach me here!
I never did hear anything from that whole thing. I was so crushed though that my little girl would think that I would hurt her. Right away I started racking my mind of all the things that I have ever done wrong. All the regrets... ANYTHING that could connect to her actions that day. I just couldn't figure it out. I asked her and days later finally had it SOMEWHAT figured out. Chelsea was having a good time at the park. But a fly "contaminated" her food. That made everyone and everything feel too close (closed-in). Then when I got in her face and told her to calm down, that made it worse. But when I told her that we were leaving, everything started to spin and crowd in around her. Too tight for her to breath. All the voices in the distance, the birds cherping, the trafic driving by... all of it got so loud that she just had to make it stop.
Right then and there I started being aware of "the line". That fine line that's almost always impossible to find... seperating the bratty child and the autistic child.
Just remember that when your child gets in that zone, noise is beyond overwhelming. I know all children are different, so this may not work for you at all. But in my home, we have a timeout place. For Chelsea it is her room. She goes to her room with the instruction that she is to calm down. I come out to the kitchen and set the timer for 2 minutes. After that I go to her and ask if she wants to talk. I tell her what she did right and what she did wrong. We go over what would have been the correct way of handling that situation. Since we've been doing this, her teachers have even seen a difference. It is helping Chelsea and it is great for me too! When she behaves like that I just want to scream and yell at her. But by doing that, I've learned that it just makes it worse for her. And Lord knows that it doesn't do me much good either!
But again, it may not work with your child. It's just a suggestion. Thank you so much for sharing that though. It makes me feel a little less lonely in the world of parenting an Autisic child. :)
Love,
Jenni
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Registered: 08-10-2006
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 8:40am
When Nick is angry with me he tried to think of the meanest thing he can say to hurt me, at age 5, it isnt too much, although we were at the lake this weekend and he came up with I hate you. Apparently that is making the rounds at pre-k now. He hasn't dropped a curse word yet, but I'm sure in no time he will as kindy starts this fall! I have noticed that when he does something wrong and is punished, or after a rage, he is very sensitive, always asking if we still love him. Or if he is just pushing me to my limits and I finally get fed up, he will crouch down, put his hands up and go No Mommy No, like I am going to beat him, like a puppy going to get it with the newspaper. I don't spank because it doesn't work with him, he hits me back and escalates to a pi**ing war. A***le was probably the latest word he picked up and he knows it is a really naughty one and knew he would get a rise out of you, but he probably didnt know how much if would bite him in the butt. I would explain how bad that one was and let him know if he uses it again, the Gameboy games go in the trash! I say start with the games first, then lose the game console itself!
Christine

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Christine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 2:29pm

Hi Jenni,

Billy is very sensitive to noise too. I think that's why things escalate so much when I yell. He hasn't done this in public yet. I'm sure in due time. Billy also uses his room as a cool down place. He usually will go in there until he is calm enough to come out and apologize/talk things out with me. I'm so sorry that happened to you in the parking lot. Thank you for sharing your story with me too. : )

Jen

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 2:32pm

I think that's exactly what he did. He knew that was the meanest thing he could think of. I wish I could figure out why he is doing the don't hurt me thing. I don't feel so bad now though that I know other kiddos do it too. Thanks.

Jen

 

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 4:23pm

Hi Jen,
Thats shocking and kids at elementary schools have starting using such words. The discussion about not hitting and yet flinching!!!!!!!!!!! The other day Sravan had a rough day at school, so we picked him up. Before I picked him, his principal pulled me aside and told me that he mentioned to her that if I let Sravan go home, he will get beaten up. This is not the first time he has said. The previous time, my daughter went to pick him up and the principal commented the same. So my daughter questioned my Son, when did mom beat you. He answered that he does not remember (this in itself an AS answer LOl!!!). Why do they do such a thing? The moment I raise my voice, he will say "please don't beat me". It actually makes me cry as to why he portraits me like this. I love my kids too much to hurt them.

Hugs to you. It looks like an asperger thing,
Anandhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 12:59am

Hi Jen,
I'm thinking he had lost alot of sleep the night before at his friends sleep over and was over tired. I'm also wondering if he might of witnessed another parent spanking their kid, or yelling at their kid and it scared him? He could of also heard the words from that house too. Or school, you never know.

Those are scary things to a child. I also don't spank, never have. I have a 20 yr old, a 11 yr old and a 7 yr old. I just know that since I don't spank, that they may go to a friends house that does believe in spanking, and will spank their child in front of mine.

Well that scares my child/children even more, as they don't experience that at home. I have had to have many a talk to my children about the different ways people do things in their home, and if they feel uncomfortable about going back, then they don't have too.

Maybe you can find out by asking these things about his sleepover? That was a pretty weird response to your anger. He may of not been hurt, but he may of seen something he shouldn't of.

Lainie