my little posting tantrum - vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
my little posting tantrum - vent
10
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 1:02am

Ok, most of you have known me for a long time posting here. I don't think I have ever gotten angry or made a nasty post in my life, but I did tonight on the autism board.

I had posted a reply to a parent about being embarrassed about behavior. I also made the "mistake" of using the word "normal". Sorry, I have been at this autism thing a long time. I don't have time for PC junk. Most autistic adults I know don't give a hoot about PC language and in fact prefer the term "autistic" to "adult with autism". I ran by my use of the word "normal" with an autistic adult and he saw no problem with it what so ever.

Anyway, a poster wrote back a NASTY post to me. How dare I be embarrassed by my children. How dare I use the word normal. Insinuated that I didn't care about my kids, that her autistic child is a blessing to her, etc. I really think before she posted that she should have known who I am and how involved I have been in autism and what I have done with my kids.

So I laid into her in a big way. (OOOPsie). Honest, I have never been so angry at another poster in my life. My momma bear personality came out. As much as someone trying to hurt my cubs, some one insinuated that I don't care about my cubs. GRRRRRR.

Renee (aka - mamma bear)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 6:10am

Dear Mamma Bear,

That got me curious so I went over to autism board and read the thread, and all I have to say is if that is your version of laying into her ... well, you are going to have to fly to NYC to take a few lessons in butt-whooping. And not even from me, but from a fierce Puerto-Rican descent babysitter of one of Malcolm's pals named Titi Lucy, shoulda HEARD her go off on a group of teenagers who were laughing at her boy!!! (I am studying at her feet, actually, we can study together...)

I get from THIS post how angry she made you, but that post you wrote her back, while yes angry, was very rational and (OK, in my NYC mind) restrained... Remembering that my point of comparison is Titi Lucy. The poster certainly overreacted to your previous post, and without knowing anything about you or your kids, OBVIOUSLY!!!

And clearly, by the ages of her kids and date of dx, she also has not been at this a long time. And your previous post was so sympathetic about embarrassment and how hard it can be, as in "Hey! We are human, too". You were so writing from your heart to the original poster with the kindest of intentions, so the misunderstanding and overreaction must have hit you harder. But misunderstandings are even so much easier when writing and to strangers who don't have anything close to the complete picture. Every time we post here, we are all so vulnerable opening up about our deep feelings and stories of our personal lives. Getting misunderstood is always painful, and you, Renee, are particularly generous with yourself in a way that is beautiful and inspiring to me.

Big ((((HUGS)))). Actually, what she wrote is so completely unapplicable to the you I "know" from having read many, many of your posts over a long course of time, that it's almost funny! Do feel better.

Sara
aka Mamma Viking Warrior
(moniker bestowed by DH)

Avatar for kathy_in_ga
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 11:28am

Hey Renee, I think you did just fine. You actually got an apology from the other mother. I too have been doing this thing for a long time, and also have been embarrassed about the behaviors exhibited, like kicking, screaming. I understand what you were trying to get across, and helping the other mother to know she is not alone in her feelings. It is OK to be angry, embarrassed, upset

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 12:12pm

Renee,

Dude, my family on a *good* day were far less nice than you were in that post. ITA with Sara, I grew up in a Dublin orphanage and spent a lot of time in NYC, and if *that's* your worst, you can come and live with me anytime ;). God bless your middle-class little heart. I thought you were very articulate and restrained in your response, and I tried to follow your lead. It is a shame that we come here to avoide ignorance and it finds us anyway, but I think that lady has learned her lesson and is humbled now.

My sense was that she came here angry and took her anger out at the first person she could find the tiniest fault with, which happened to be you. Yes, she messed with the wrong (bunch of) mama(s). It must have been nice to see people come out in strong support of you though...

(((((hugs)))) We love you.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 1:14pm

I don't blame you one bit. Who has time for all this PC stuff anyway. And how dare someone insinuate that you don't care about your kids!!! I'd have lashed back as well. I'd say she probably hasn't totally come to terms with things yet and seems to be a bit overly sensitive! Good for you for defending yourself!

Jen

Avatar for littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 1:52pm
Ah, hence the name rbear.
It's nice to see she did apologize for her harshness, I guess. The poor kid has a huge learning curve ahead.
It's funny that she doesn't see herself as one of us, though. Telling sq that she won't be her 15 years from now? Must still be in the denial stage, the young pup.
I don't think, having young ones, she has any idea just how fast that learning curve is gonna sneak up on her.
LR
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 4:25pm

NO kidding.. when I look back,the first 7yrs. were a breeze...I'm looking forward to the future,sort of lol...lol..
everyday is a new experience, sometimes good,bad,ugly and yes sometimes Embarassing.
This board has sure made the unknown not so scary(thank you)

Hey.. Happy Holidays to all... I thing that's PC correct..lol..lol..
or is it Season's Greetings... I can't keep up

so Merry Christmas...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 8:16pm

Wow Renee... you *were* nice to that woman! Seriously, I think that both of your posts were amazingly coherent, sympathetic, and sensitive. And the tone of that poster was extraordinarily self-righteous -- both her original post and the post when she apologized to you and tried to clarify her position. I am a newbie myself at all of this, but even I can tell that she has a lot to learn.

I hope at least that you feel heartened by everyone who posted in your support!

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 11:52pm
Renee,
I just don't get what she was so upset about. Was it just because you used the word "normal"? Isn't that the reason we all do session after session of therapy so our kids will be more NT? I know that sounds bad but when you get down to it, isn't that what she meant when she said her son would be okay 15 years from now because of all the support he gets. Paula's response hit the nail on the head. This site is our safe place and not a place for us to judge each other, no matter how strongly we disagree.
Teresa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 11:52pm

Ya know, I have to thank you all. I do feel heartened by all the support. Even the unnamed lurkers who came out of the "ahem" woodwork. I have to say thank you again to you all. There have been lots of times here in the past where I have definitely felt the immense support of this community and it makes the time here worth while.

I started coming to this board, gosh about 6 years ago. I have met many friends. Many people have come and gone. In fact, one of my best friends still was someone I met on this here board, and I have many women I feel very close to who I have met here.

There was a time when I was a cl for ivillage when they changed over to these boards and made alot of changes and demands. Needless to say things didn't go well, I didn't agree with some things, and I am no longer one. I had considered leaving these boards then, but couldn't bring myself too leave the ladies here. Heck, this board here had alot to do with Candes and I starting APOV (the ezine). for those who don't know Candes anymore she was a fixture here a couple years back as well as on of the cls. The community website she created for us is still listed on the boards mainpage.

But you don't realize how much support you have until you really do need it, lol. It is an awful nice place.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 12:07am

Yeah, I agree about the 15 years. Well, actually I am at the point that my kids go to therapy so they can learn to function more in the NT world as an autistic. No longer to be NT because it isn't going to happen. They think differently, learn differently, live differently. It is a matter of learning how to work with that in the NT world and be happy, healthy and independent. It is looking at autism as a learning difference and profile rather than as a disease that needs to be cured.

Yup they aren't "normal" but awe heck, normal is a setting on a washing machine.

I looked back at my old post. I was thinking about it and really I didn't mean normal as in "not autistic" I meant normal as in the usual figure of speech you may hear any parent say. "What normal kid doest that?"

ah well, thanks again all for your support. An odd life we lead isn't it. I am just chalking it up to a mom that is hurting and I happened to get the brunt of her anger for today, lol. I just took it really personally.

Renee

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