Need Advice

Avatar for kingalex
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Need Advice
8
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 6:14pm

Since Alex (8 yrs., Asperger's) started in his new school this year, he's had RELATIVELY few behavior problems (these have surfaced from time to time since first grade). The new school pretty much deals with it by sending him in with the principal (who will talk to him, calm him down, but there never seems to be further consequence for his behavior in the school setting). They let me know what he's done, and then it's up to dh and I to deal with it. Our usual consequences for his actions include taking away some of his car magazines or not letting him have a "sleepover" in our basement on weekends; both things that are very important to him. (On the other hand, we do reward him by getting him a new car magazine after a wonderful week at school, and allow him to sleep in the basement on the weekends).

Today I got to school to help with bus duty after school, and the P.E. teacher came in with Alex right after the bell rang. Apparently, Alex had written on the wall (bad enough by itself), "I hate Mr. (P.E. teacher)". Well, Alex had a meltdown at that point, because he knew he was in trouble. When he realizes that he's done something wrong, he usually will deny that he did something, then go into a tirade about how everyone hates him, no one loves him, etc. etc. He sometimes even says things that make me afraid that he'll do something self-destructive.

This incident occurred at 3:00; it is now just after 6:00 and he's still stomping around up in his bedroom - he's VERY angry. I've talked to him (calmly) and told him we'd discuss what the consequences would be once dh gets home (in a few minutes) and we can all talk together.

Okay, this is getting lengthy (sorry)... so my two questions are, 1) how do you deal with your child's anger? and, 2) what punishment do YOU think would fit this particular crime?

Thanks for your support!

Laurie

Today

Laurie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
In reply to: kingalex
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 8:43pm

Dear Laurie,

Is he on an IEP? Is this a mainstream situation or special needs class? What happened, why does he hate his P.E. teacher and what happened that precipatated him writing that on the wall? Does he had a Behavioral Plan at school?

The problem is he knew he was in trouble AFTER the fact, but not in moment of rage so there was no way or context in that moment for him to stop himself. He currently does not have those tools. I cannot imagine punishing my son many hours after the fact and not working with the people involved, because to an autistic spectrum kid, this is out of context now. I don't know your son, but our son would need alot of help with his feelings and he would not do such a thing unless he felt under attack. We don't find punishing at home makes any difference at school, actually.

We would work with the P.E. teacher directly and other support staff in order to bring about understanding and a plan of behavioral intervention to help him under these types of circumstances. Malcolm cannot control his anger on his own yet if he feels attacked or misunderstood and consequences don't mean anything unless they will help in the moment of rage to stop in advance of doing the "Deed" and help provide an alternative way of dealing with feelings, even how to ward off the escalation of feelings.

Sitting in an office to calm down is fine, nothing wrong there if it really helps him calm down. Is he being taught how to express anger, ask questions when confused, ask for a break when overwhelmed? He needs to have a team to work with here, including you and your husband. I think he is telling you the truth about the way he is angry because he feels alone and misunderstood, his words, right? Good description of where he is, actually. I advise you to surprise him with empathy and lack of anger, find a way to be on his side so you can engage with him and all work together to find solutions. Do you punish children for their disabilities, or help them find solutions because their disabilities keep them from understanding social cues and expectations? For a teaching opportunity, you cannot be an opponent. I don't think our kids really WANT to get in trouble, they just don't yet know how not to....

Punishment for this crime? I think he should clean the wall. I think he and his teacher need to discuss what happened, both sides. There are 2 sides to this story and Alex's side needs to be homored as well as P.E.teacher's. This needs to not only be Alex's responsibility - does he always really understand what is needed to win that "good week"? And how to do it, even when his feelings are overwrought?

I don't think about punishment, I look for how to help get the appropriate behavior and then how to try and cement the understanding in him of why the behavior needs to happen.

Good luck,

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
In reply to: kingalex
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 11:26pm

Dear Laurie,

I just re-read my post and I think I sound a little preachy. I apologize. We have actually have had a little problem recently with a special needs teacher and her "consequences" who doesn't get that Malcolm sometimes answers "yes" when he actually hasn't heard the directions because he is so focused on what he is doing that he doesn't want to disengage. (Remember the "Peanuts" grownups "Waaah, waaaah, waaaah"? That's how I imagine Malcolm hears -- or doesn't -- in these circumstances...) Directions are repeated, he still answers "OK" and hasn't actually heard one word, there is a consequence for not following the directions, and Malcolm has actually NEVER heard the instructions in the first place. He gets VERY hurt and angry, feels betrayed and picked on, singled out and innocent, and it is assumed he is offering lame excuses...

Anyways, I went off a bit, sorry about that. I do mean what I wrote, but I didn't mean to aim it at you and I really know very little about what is going on in your bigger picture!!!

I'm still curious as to what set off the graffiti attack, if you'd like to share.

yours,

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kingalex
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 11:53pm

Laurie,

Wish I had some good helpful advice but I am kind of at a loss. I often dont know what to do. Sounds like you handled the anger pretty well. Stay neutral and perhaps give him some sort of way to vent. And I like Sara's idea of cleaning the wall. When Mike did some wall writing as a preschooler that is what I did and believe it or not, that lesson actually seems to have stuck. He didn't do it again. Also, the cleaning teaches him he needs to respect other peoples property and fix what he broke.

HUGS though. Behavior problems at school are never easy. I was talking to the principal today adn told her that I used to dread when I would see her walking up toward me after school. OH GOD what THIS time.

Hope he is calm by now.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: kingalex
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 7:00am

Sara and Renee,

Thanks so much for your replies. I hope I didn't sound like what Alex did was a horrible crime and needs severe punishment. I guess what I'm getting at is about teaching consequences for actions. We've been trying to work with Alex on what to do when he gets angry. I say "we", but it's more of an "I" at this point, as his school has a long way to go in understanding Asperger's. In fact, I have a conference planned for tomorrow with his teacher, resource teacher, and resource aide; I'll get to that in a minute.

As far as what happened yesterday: In his attempt to fit in socially, Alex has "adopted" a boy in his class as his "friend". As is typical of Asperger's, he doesn't know what is appropriate and what is not appropriate in social situations. Unfortunately, this boy doesn't want anything to do with Alex, as Alex comes on way too strong, and appears "weird" to him. Whenever a student breaks a rule in class, they get their name put on the board (frankly, I'm not happy about that; I think it's a form of humiliation). Whenever this particular child gets his name on the board, Alex gets ballistic about it, saying that the child did nothing. Whenever I talk to him about it, his response is, "but he's my friend, and friends stick together". Alex cannot understand that it is not his place to interfere with what the teacher is doing. Anyway, to make a long story longer, the P.E. teacher put the boy's name on the board for something he did. Alex got very upset about it, and didn't know how else to deal with his anger. His aide was not with him at the time, as she had to leave early yesterday.

Getting back to the conference I have scheduled; my main goal is to address Alex's relationships with his peers, and to get an understanding of how the school deals with social issues. (By the way, Alex is in a regular classroom, and has an almost full-time aide with him; he also receives OT, PT, and speech services). The school is very small and we're in a rural area; unfortunately they are way behind the times in dealing with kids on the autism spectrum. At this point, I'm feeling that it's completely up to me to educate them, and I need to be a 24/7 advocate for Alex. It's frustrating, and I don't know where to start. Any ideas as how to approach this meeting tomorrow? I obviously want to come across as working with them, and don't want to sound combative.

Thank you guys so much for being here!

Laurie

Laurie

Avatar for kingalex
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: kingalex
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 12:32pm

Me again...

I wanted to add a question regarding the conference I have scheduled tomorrow with Alex's teacher, resource teacher, and resource aide. Because the teachers at Alex's school have little to no experience with autism spectrum disorders, would it be out of line to bring some books with me that might be helpful to them? I know their schedules are busy enough as it is, but would it appear "pushy" to suggest they read up a little bit on Asperger's? I don't believe that the county has the funds to provide the training that other school systems provide to their professionals.

Any advice on how to approach this meeting would be greatly appreciated. My main objective for this meeting is to ensure that Alex is receiving the support he needs, and to discuss what can be done to help him receive the social supports he needs (and I believe is lacking right now).

Thanks!
Laurie

Laurie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
In reply to: kingalex
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 4:30pm

Dear Laurie,

Well, there is nothing pushy about offering books that will help these teachers understand the difficulties your son has in following instructions and comprehending the world around him. I have a feeling that you need to re-think "pushy". If they are too busy to read up on the child they are teaching, there definitely needs to be a big changes. I think they need more than books, actually. There needs to be an autism expert designing his IEP and goals, which needs to include social goals.

And in fact, IDEA has provision that you are not taking advantage of. His teachers have to be trained, or someone in charge of his education needs to be trained in his specific disability. And the school district has to pay for it, no matter what their funds are. This is the law. I would run over to IEP board here at iVillage and ask about those fabulous gals about altering his IEP to reflect his need to have trained staff, a bahvioral plan, etc. and how to get the school district to truly meet his needs. A fulltime aide is a start, but hardly helping him to learn to be independent, in case, God forbid, she needs to leave early or gets sick...

Because we have Malcolm in special needs schools, we are not dealing with teachers who are not trained in how his mind works (and, as per previous note, even then there can be misunderstandings). But Individualized Education does NOT mean child with disabilities must learn on their own without help how to fit in, get an education and pretend there are no disabilities.

You are his mom, not his teacher, and you cannot be expected to come up with all the answers for school and home. If you have ideas they can implement, great, but otherwise some educators need to get educated, pronto. I suspect this meeting coming needs to be a starting point, with books and reading offered, and plan to find out more about what the school can do and then continue discussions...

yours,

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
In reply to: kingalex
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 10:06am

Good luck with your meeting and let us know how it goes.

Samantha

Samantha
Avatar for kingalex
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: kingalex
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 11:31am

Thank you SO much for your input and advice. I find sometimes that I need a little boost from others to keep me on track (maybe I have Asperger's too?!).

I'll let you know how it goes.

Laurie

Laurie