Need to be first

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Need to be first
6
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 3:05pm

Hi there, my 4.5 year old with Asperger's has been getting more and more upset about being first all of the time. He will practically push his 2.5 year-old NT sister down the stairs to make sure he gets to the bathroom first, for example. If we're going out, he'll have a complete meltdown if someone exits the door first or gets in the car before him. He seems terrified that we'll leave without him.

I don't know if this is a normal developmental stage, and maybe all of the kids in his class are competitive or concerned about being first? I do know that he is physically a bit clumsy and his sister is already much more agile in the playground...he has cried on occasion that because he's older he should be first.

I keep saying that it's not about being first or last, it's about having fun/enjoying your meal, whatever it is he's rushing, but nothing seems to work. Have any of you experienced this?

Thanks so much for your help,

lis.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 2:55am

Lis, I feel for you. Being first means being the best. And maybe thats how he feels.

I dont' know what to say since I haven't been in this prediciment. But hopefully other mothers can post to this and I can bump it.

Avatar for betz67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 8:26am

I don't have any great advice for you. All of my kids went through this stage. The boys much worse than the girls-- the boys have more autistic tendencies than the girls, one being dx ASD. I do understand what you're going through. My oldest (ADD, w/ lots of aspie traits) especially would have absolute meltdowns if his sister (2 yrs younter, nt and much more competitive and physically adept than he) would do or get anything first. The bad thing is, they really haven't outgrown it entirely. I now have 3 boys that have to be first (when the whim hits) and there is NO changing their minds. I never really thought about it as a ASD trait though (the sticky thinking maybe) but more of a man thing.

just know you're not alone.
Betsy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:12am
My 8 yo AS son was the same way, but so was the NT girl across the street. In fact she was worse! In Kindie they would fight over who got on the bus first. We parents set up turns which my son was fine with, but the girl would rush across the street to get on first even when it was it was his turn. You would think her mother would tell her not to run in front of a moving bus but she didn't. I think in some way she enjoyed her daughter "winning"! Anyway, they do outgrow it as they mature but there will always be some personalities who are just very competitive. My son has been going to a social skills group in school since Kindergarten and that is one of the things they focus on. He will be in fourth grade this year and he is MUCH better now about taking turns, winning and losing etc.Good luck!
Avatar for toryanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:45am

Victor (almost 11) went through a stage where he HAD to be first in everything, I think all kids do. Bryanna (9 and my NT) did a bit but not as severe as Victor. Vic has now learned that it's just one of those things that bug him. He needs to either be in the front of the line or at the back, in the front of the classroom or the back, and definately on the right side of the room. He told me it "bugs" him to have people in front of him or behind him. It bugs him to have people to the right of him also, they need to be on his left. I would suggest try talking to your 4 year old about the benifits of being last in line sometimes, ie.. Being a good big brother letting lil sis get to the potty first, being last means you get the bigger serving at dinner. That sort of thing. Of course this backfired on me cause when I was talking up being last to Victor, Bryanna decided she wanted to be last and now we have fights on that LOL.
It's taken Vic quite a long time to figure out these things that bug him and why they bug him. As a matter of fact, he's still learning.

Good luck. Hopefully yours is just the normal 4 year old "gotta do everything first".

Alexis

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 2:46pm

A million thanks for all of your support and responses, gals. Sounds like it's probably a pretty normal developmental stage, but good to hear some thoughts about managing it, especially for an aspie. We've been talking a lot about first and last, being a good sport and a good winner or loser, so clearly it's happening a lot among his peers. He's going to be screened for a social-skills group soon and I really hope he gets in. It's difficult to know if DH and I are doing and saying and doing the right/most helpful things. Yes, we know our son best but I'm also not a psychologist or an ASD expert (although I feel like I'm fast becoming one!).

Thanks again for your advice!

Lis.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 2:56pm

Peter went through a phase of this.

-Paula

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