Need help with my nephew

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Need help with my nephew
3
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 10:05pm

Hi. I am not part of your board but really need help with knowing how to deal with my nephew. He has never and probably will never be diagnosed. It is my belief that he is either high functioning autistic or has asperger's (I work with developmentally delayed adults and children, so I have some base for this). He is 8 years old and is becoming a bit of a problem.

A bit of backstory: He has always been "different". From about 8 months old he began having terrible tantrums where he would exhibit headbanging and stripping behaviors that would go on for over 20 minutes without being able to calm him. All that could be done was to strap him into his carseat for safety. He could read/spell by the age of 1 1/2 however refused direct eye-contact or physical attention. To hug him was torture for him. He hated clothes or anything that would make any physical contact with his skin. He never engaged in any repetitive or spinning behaviors that are associated with autism however has an obsession with video games. Since the age of about 3 years old he has "lived" in video games. This led me to believe that there may be some form of psychosis also with this. He actually thinks of life as a video game. I guess that this makes more sense to him than the disorderly world around him. He is absolutely amazing when it comes to anything regarding computers, math, or any electronics. He exhibits no facial expressions, emotions (other than anger), response to physical pain or response to directives. He exists solely on a diet of carbs and hot dogs and will gag if he even smells a food that he doesn't like. I could go on forever about him; what I have written is just a brief overview.

I am not asking for a diagnosis...I just need advice...but if I am way off track with my thinking please let me know.

The problem now: He is becoming physically aggressive. He is one of 7 kids in our extended family, the youngest being my daughter at 21 months and the oldest being 9. Just today he hit his sister with a ball (with all of his force) on purpose and had no response to the fact that she was hurt. On Christmas eve he knocked my daughter over on purpose and didn't understand why he was getting in trouble. He has left bruises on all of the other children. It is getting out of hand. I am worried that he is really going to hurt someone. His parents are obviously in denial and there is nothing that we can do. We have all tried. They also have no structure. He is "home-schooled", however they are never doing school (I am not against home school, just the way that my sil does it, or rather doesn't do it). They have no rules, and he can do whatever he wants. So my big problem is how to react when he does something to one of the other kids. I know he has a problem, but what is the appropriate action to take? Also, if any of you have ideas on how to get my brother and sil out of denial, I would be greatful.

TIA,

Kerri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 6:52pm

Wow Kerri...I'm sorry your family is going through this.

I wish I had some advice in terms of how to get them "out of denial" but they'll stay there as long as they want. No doubt they realize their son is different. They just refuse to accept it.

In terms of what to do in order to keep the children in your family safe from your nephew's outbursts, I'm in a very similar situation with a 3 year old nephew who is constantly hitting my three children who are 6, 7 and 9. (My 6 and 9 year olds are on the spectrum.) While I don't believe our nephew is "on the spectrum" I do feel that he is completely lacking of a conscience, and I feel very strongly that his behavior is caused by his parents and their "we need to be friends with our children" way of parenting.

We've decided to openly limit the time our children spend around this particular cousin. In fact, our children were supposed to spend the night with their grandparents tonight. However, when we found out that our nephew would be spending the night as well, we called off the overnight visit and were completely honest about why we made the decision. Needless to say, DH's parents tried to defend the child- but we held our ground and gave up our own New Year's Eve plans accordingly. Tomorrow, our families are supposed to spend the day together and I've already established a plan with DH so that if this nephew starts hitting our children again, we're going to pack up our stuff and leave immediately, letting his parents know why (as calmly as possible). I know full well that this will probably cause a great deal of friction, as DH only has one sister and this is her child I'm referring to, but keeping our children safe is more important to me than "keeping the peace".

When it comes to dealing with behavior issues in our own house, we have one hard and fast rule. Autism (diagnosed or undiagnosed) is NEVER an excuse for unacceptable behavior. It may be an explanation, but it is NEVER an excuse. So, while our solution may not work for you, it's an option to consider. Yes, it may mean punishing yourselves to a certain extent, but it is also a non-agressive means of getting your point across to your nephew's parents, and possibly even your nephew. He's old enough to understand that his behavior is causing his family to not want to be around him...and it may open his eyes to the fact that his behavior is unacceptable, since is parents are obviously choosing not to.

HTH-you're in a tough situation...but doing whatever it takes to keep the children in your family safe must be priority number one.

Amy

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 9:17pm

Kerri,


Welcome. I'm glad you posted.


Wow! This is a tough problem.

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 10:07am

Hello

You are not alone. My brother has 3 children who are unbelievable.They have caused bruises, stitches, cuts and bad feelings.The parents just laugh or ignore the behaviors. I'm not proud of this but this is what I did. Without warning or provocation the 6yr old walked up & punched me in the belly. I picked him up in both arms and held him close then while I made it clear what would happen if he hit me again. I released him. He walked away then returned and hit me again. Well I followed through on what I promised.I picked him up & dropped him on the floor. Since then he glares at me but doesn't hit me or my son. His parents notice that he is quiet around me. I realize that nephew & I won't be friends but at least I'm not going to be hit. I know that this probably doesn't help you. But you are not alone with this type of problem.