Need input--can't get the whole picture

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2000
Need input--can't get the whole picture
3
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 7:06pm

So Josh like many of our children gets teased or bullied at school. This morning after Josh got on the bus dh tells me that Josh was in tears last night because one of his classmates was teasing him about not being able to run fast or well (I was at work during this conversation). When Josh got off the bus today I asked him about it so I could figure out exactly what happend and what needed to be done (dh didn't know details). As typical for Josh (and I'm assuming other kids on the spectrum) he can't give me details. He can only tell me that Johnny (not the real name) was saying that I run too slow and can't play soccer or race. When I ask what they were talking about when Johnny said that Josh replies "I don't know". When I ask what they were doing (in gym, in class, at recess etc. ) Josh says "I don't know". When I ask what Josh said in reply he says "nothing". When I ask if anyone else was taking part in this conversation, or if Johnny said anything else he says "I don't know". He also said..."it's just that I can't run fast enough to race or play soccer sometimes". When I said "that's what Johnny said, right?" Josh replies "no". So we go back to square one...."Josh, what is it that Johnny said then?" repeat, repeat, repeat. I'm sure you get the process.
Anyway I'm so frustrated! I can't expect the teacher to hear everything each of her 24 students say at all times, but how in the world am I supposed to advocate or bring something to her attention if I can't even get what really happend? This is a lesser problem than what we normally deal with, but in general I am just so sad about this. How do you guys that have similar issues get the story so that you can advocate? I don't want to bring it up to the teacher if Josh started the conversation about him being slower or not a great runner and the other boy was agreeing not realizing Josh would then get his feelings hurt because someone confirmed what he feels. Same for other (greater) problems he has had, but if this child was taunting or teasing him because of something he can't help it needs to be brought up. HELP!

Sorry this got so long. Thanks for reading if you're still with me.

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 7:21pm

Ugh, we are going through the same thing with Hayden.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 1:14am
I have similar problems with my 8 year old boy Matthew. He will reply either "I don't know", "Don't ask me questions" or "that makes my brain hurt". But if he is really upset about it I will try to frame things a different way. If he says someone made fun of him, I'll say---"sometimes I feel sad if I think someone made fun of me... but then I try to think if they were only kidding or they said something I didn't understand" Matthew at this stage really responds to hearing that I feel bad sometimes or similar things that happened to me as a kid (maybe that's why I had such a long awkward phase-- to help my son 25 years later LOL). He will often open up to clarify how his situation is different or I can see the relief on his face when he thinks I've got it. The other way I try to reach him is while doing an activity that he likes, then talking during it (he'll sometimes let me sit under the hall table with him or sort Pokemon cards or work on Legos). I think often boys don't want to sit down and talk about their feelings in the same way we do whether they are on the spectrum or not.
This is definately something that we're still working on, though.
Kara
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 10:16am

Dear Heather,

Does Josh have any social goals on his IEP? Are you working with an autism consultant, someone to train the staff on how to help Josh in this area of his dis-ability? Josh will probably not be able to adequately tell you details of what happened and this is part and parcil of what makes all of this so hard for him, including being teased. The trouble our kids have with language pragmatics and social situations isolates them, and also makes it impossible for them to ask a grownup for help!!! And trying to get the details out of him will only put more pressure on him, as he is still upset and upset decreases our kids ability to communicate. That's part of why they are so vulnerable to teasing.

I don't think this can be handled on a case-by-case basis the way you are asking Josh to do it. I'm gathering Josh doesn't have an aide, there is unsupervised time with other kids. I think this is a conversation to address the entire issue with the teacher, how can we teach the other children about Josh, refrain from teasing him. What strategies can be put in place for Josh when he is being teased, does he have a "safe" person he can go to? Does he have a social skills group at school, a "lunch bunch"? Does he get counseling on his IEP?

This is off the top of my head, and as we don't have our ds mainstreamed, not exactly an issue for us. I just feel that the answer here lies in affecting the change in the entire environment. Josh can be taught about teasing and ways to handle it, but if he is left to his own devices, this will only continue (as it is just too much "fun" for kids to find the weak one...) unless it is addressed with all the kids and teachers.

Sara