New Here! Help with Tween Aspie
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| Sun, 06-03-2007 - 5:18pm |
Hello there. I usually post to another board for Stay At Home moms, but I have been having some particular issues with my 12yr old son who has Aspergers Syndrome and I thought this would be the best place to get some advice.
My son (Chance)who is now 12 was dx when he was 4 years old. Chance is mainstreamed in a typical public elementary. We have had our ups and downs along the way, but by and large he has made incredible strides since his Dx. However, the problems I am dealing with now are so hurtful to him (and to me) that I really find myself up at night thinking about it. This is the age when the boys start to get interested in the girls, when the cliques start to form, and when being "cool" is a TOP priority. Chance tries SO hard to fit in that he draws attention to himself for trying so hard. He has absolutely NO idea how to relate to the other kids, let alone the girls. On top of all that, these kids have grown up with Chance, so they know he has Aspergers and that he is different. Suffice it to say, he has very few friends, no one ever calls him for partys, and no girls want to "go out with him." I watch with horror as the kids who were once his friends are going to great extents to avoid even talking to him.
The situation becomes even more complicated because I have another 12yr old step-son who is popular and goes to his same school. My step-son now has a little girl friend, is invited to all the partys, and has even become best friends with Chance's former best-friend. It really frustrates me, but I have to bite my tongue and keep reminding myself that my step son should not be held back because of Chance's disability.
I want to help Chance, but I really don't know what to do. I had a long talk with him today about "who is a real friend" and who isn't. I explained that these kids are being snobs, and that he will soon (in Junior High) find other kids who will accept him for who he is. It just breaks my heart...he told me that he thinks he's retarted and weird and that's why no one likes him.

Gosh, your sons story breaks my heart too. Can you get him in any social skills group/class to help him out with these issue's? He may have had them when he was younger, but life changes, and people grow up and skills need to change.
Maybe that might help him?
Hi there!
(((((((hugs)))))) to you both. I had the same experience at that age and I never want my child to have to go through anything like that, so I can relate.
I have the opinion that Chance himself should not be held back by his disability. Wouldn't your step-son be willing to help out? These children are being allowed to cut Chance out of their lives and that is still discrimination. What about that former best friend? Are his parents OK with him now turning his back on your ds because of his disability? This is very very sad. And these children are being cruel, no matter what the reasons.
I am very proactive about my almost 10 year old son's social life. I am of course worried about the later years, as I know he is behind NT kids his age, but I do have him in social skills groups, several of them. I do not, however, have him mainstreamed and currently homeschool even though academically he is very strong. He does sports, sees friends almost daily in smaller groups and has a lovely girlfriend. I know he would not be able to keep up in a large school, so I am keeping his social challenges more manageable.
I feel for you both, but I guess I feel that he REALLY needs a few good friends now and I would get more involved. Enlist your step-son's help. Call the parents of the former best friend, do they know how he's treating your son? Get the school's social worker involved, change his IEP to include a social skills group, get the school working on real inclusion on a school wide basis --- ie: programming on spectrum disorder, etc. Does your son have a counselor/therapist? He will need his own help emotionally, I suspect. This is very tough stuff.
The fact that your son is so miserable says how much he is aware of what is being done to him .. that is very GOOD news in terms of his development, but I would not leave him to suffer. A disability affects us is many ways and it is not his fault that his disability makes this situation so painful for him. It is not a sign of weakness that he needs help here. And depression is a real possiblity if he continually feels such a failure and is so left out.
Of course, as I am not in your particular situation, I am only speaking from my own feelings and am hardly an expert. We have utilized a great deal of professional help for our PDD-NOS boy and his friendships and social confidence are continuing to grow. We work hard at his social life outside a school setting (as we currently don't have one) and of course the skills we have him working on are the ones we want him to have as a grownup! But it is also important for him to be happy now as well.
I hope I have said something remotely helpful. I know other mothers here have teenagers and may be able to offer more concrete advice.
more ((((((hugs))))))
Sara
ilovemalcolm
P.S. love your screen name YUM
Thank you so, so much. It really helps to have someone tell me they understand how I feel. This issue has even been causing a lot of tention between my husband and I. My husband has a little less compassion for the situation and thinks that Chance causes my step-son, Jake (his son from previous marriage) embarassment with his frequent outbursts and odd behavior, etc. I know he's right to a certain degree...but I feel like saying, so what, that's life! Chance needs his family right now...its not always easy, and I think Jake should be there for him as much as possible. My husband thinks that's too much to expect from a 12 year old. He also thinks the other kids behavior is "normal" and that they're all just trying to find themselves. I don't agree AT ALL...so we have been hotly debating the issue. I, myself remember trying to fit in around the popular kids at this age...I was never accepted and I didn't even have a social imparment to deal with. I think these kids' snobby attitude is a result of insensitive and competitive parenting...well there I go again (I obviously take this too personally).
We do both agree that we need to find Chance some friends somewhere...so we're looking around. Its hard because Chance's interests are so limited (basically to video games, TV, and computer).
As far as his old friend's parents and the possibility of approaching them...I'm not sure how I would go about that without sounding desperate. I do think I'm going to mention to the school that it is causing problems when the parents have these huge parties and invite almost all the kids and leave out a few...not sure this will help much though as the last day of school is tomorrow.
I was listening in on someone else's conversation about camp...Chance went to camp once and was VERY disturbed by it...but I think it might be different if it were a specialized camp for kids with AS. Anyway, I'm up for any suggestions.
Thank you, again for you support. It is of immense help to me!
-Godiva_mom
Hi, Chrise-K! I remember you too. I haven't posted on SAHM board for a while...I have been so busy I haven't even checked my email! I'm glad there's someone here I know!
Godiva_mom
Hey... I understand totally. I too have a 12 year old boy. Josh,he was just dx last year. It is hard for regular kids his age to understand Josh too. i know that. And Josh doesn't exactly make it easy himself. At times he prefers to be a loner, esp wheh he doesn't like what the group is doing. I know we tend to be lucky with the kids on our block, when everybody is out playing everybody plays. Josh knows who will just accept him and who won't. He prefers one on one interaction many times. He also prefers the much older boys.
Josh has been in a social skills group for the past couple of years at school and it does help. I also have had him in Boy Scouts since he was in 1st grade and he moved up to Boy Scouts last year, it does help him. He enjoys it. Josh also particiaptes in a Bowling league and he goes to Hebrew school. He doesn't seem to fret over not going to parties, but he does seem to get exicted when his younger brothers get invited to cool places for parties and figures he can particiapate through osmosis(when DH not home, the spare siblinsg have to go with me so i have to pay for them but still.)
I think you may need to reexplore Chance's likes and dislikes. Suggest he gets involved in a very aspie type activity, like a computer club at school or the Lego league if they have one. See if he might like Chess. many time the more "nerdy" type of activities tend to attract kids more Chance's speed so to speak. I can almost tell who kind of fits into Josh's "club" after meeting the other kids. Josh is not into that type of stuff. But your son might be.
I know I think although knowing Josh he isn't heavily into pen pal stuff it might not be such a bad idea since many of us have tweeners to start a group just for them. And I know we live on LI i don't know where you live but I think Josh may appreiecate a friend.
Anyway got to go have scouts..
Rina
Hello and welcome to the board.
I understand how you feel. My on is transitioning to regular ed from special ed, and he is having a hard time breaking into the 'cliques' in the regular class. He is younger (almost 9) and we have been
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
Oh, man, that breaks my heart.
I think it would be a great idea to start a message board or chat group for our teens. It would be right up Chance's ally.
You said Josh goes to Hebrew school. We're Jewish too...we will have a B'nai Mitzvah for Chance and Jake in December. Are you also going through this process right now? How is Josh doing with reading Hebrew? Chance is going to do his Torah and Haftorah portions from memory because learning to read a new language is too hard for him (it took forever to learn the alphabet). It has been kinda challenging to have a duel Bar Mitzvah with one typically developing kid and one w/ special needs...but we are managing.
-Godiva_mom
Josh's birthday is in January, but we are doing his Bar Miztvah in May. I felt that Jan tends to be a very hign pressured month here. The state has its many tests the kids have to do and it is just after the holidays, vacations etc. plus uncertain weather. But May tends to be more of a low pressure month and better weather.
Our temple provides private tutors to help the kids prepare for their Haftorah and Torah etc. Josh also lucked out this year in his Dalet class because he had good teahers prior to that we had real winner, who just did not get Josh or any other kid well. But Josh seems to be able to read okay, we will see what happens. We will find out soon what his parts will be and I asked for a tutor who can handle Josh well. He is an anxious to please kid but can get very distracted and off track. We also asked that Josh be allowed to start with his lessons earlier than the norm(we belong to a reformed temple so it is more leinent(sp) that the Orthodox and all. Josh os already planning the party in his head..lol
As far as the chat group. Our leaders may be helpful in setting that up. We do have a chat room already set up for this board, and we have special times we chat and sometimes we just gather. If you look at the top where they describe the board you will see the link to the room. But I know many of us have tweeners, so I don't think it would be a problem using that room at times we set up. But the only true issue for us would be the time difference.
Lets see..
RinA