New here, need urgent help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2001
New here, need urgent help
7
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 11:33pm
Hi everyone, I am just trolling the Internet hoping to get some kind of support or help or answer. I have a 4-year-old son with High functioning autism and a 2-year-old daughter. About 2 months ago, I unexpectedly found out that i was pregnant. Although this was not planned, I decided that I would go ahead with the pregnancy because I always wanted 3 kids, although i never counted on having a special needs kid. Well, just in the last couple weeks my 2 year old has been exhibiting some very concerning behavior, like not responding when we talk to her, failing to make eye contact and doing lots of repetition of words. I know that we are hypersensitive to her behavior but it just hit me that if she has special needs too, there is NO WAY i have the emotional, physical or mental capacity to have another baby. I am 1.5 weeks away from the 12 week mark, and so the window to terminate this pregnancy is small. I am SO torn, because I adore my children. They are the world to me,a nd I love being a mom, and I would be devastated to have an abortion. But truly, i simply don't think i could raise three children, if two of them were special needs, not to mention there's no telling if #3 might have issues. Already, I shadow my son on 3 facilitated playdates each week, take him to OT, and work with him on RDI skills, and do biomedical interventions. Its' exhausting and easily like having 2 kids (just for him). I really don't know what to do and I don't have much time left. My husband thinks I should not continue this pregnancy but he is supportive of whatever I decide. Ultmately I'd be the one doing most of the childraising anyway, and I'd be the one hopelessly depressed if I terminate. If you have any thoughts or words of advice, i;d really appreciate it. thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 2:19am

Hi there,

Wow, you've got a LOT on your plate. I can put myself in your shoes and know my mind would be reeling. Any one component of your dilemma would be plenty (sudden pregnancy, child on the spectrum, #2 child giving pause for concern....). My #2 child, my PDD-NOS boy, was unexpected, and my #1 child who was just 7 months old when I learned I was pregnant was a truly high-need child (still is, only slightly less so). I used to laugh bitterly over the new-mom adage of, "sleep when the baby sleeps" because the child never slept. I was utterly wrung out ragged, running on sugar and no sleep, my husband wasn't going to win any awards at that point in time for being "Mr. Mom", and was just starting to crawl a tiny bit out of the hole that had swallowed me up after the birth of #1 when as the old country song went, "pregnant again". I have been vocally pro-choice since I was 13, and I actually had the phone book yellow pages open to clinics, but ultimately once the shock and dread wore down a little bit, I decided it wasn't right for me in that moment, in that situation. However, I was truly terrified (I don't say that flippantly, I mean really downright afraid) that #2 would be like #1 and it would kill me or I'd go mad or who knows what. Instead, #2 turned out to be the sweetest, easiest-sleeping, joyful baby I could've hoped for (of course, hindsight being 20/20, perhaps there was a reason why he was so easily self-entertained? Preferred to sleep in his own little bassinet and not with the 'rents?). Just a little personal tale to let you know that I've had just a tiny taste of what you're experiencing.

I guess if I was in your shoes, I'd be looking at the following: how severely/mildly is your son affected? How old? Have you seen steady improvement? Your 2 year old....you should be able to pull down off the web an autism spectrum screening-type checklist, but if you have a trusted friend or another person who knows your child and can offer objective insights, I'd ask 'em. Do they see what you see? Have they noticed any backsliding? As for the ultimate decision, what are you most able to live with? I don't want to bring up the negative, but we both know all too well that having kid(s) on the spectrum brings a level of stress to one's marriage that wouldn't be there otherwise. Would your husband resent you if #3 turned out to have significant needs? Would you be okay with a decision to continue the pregnancy if it ultimately was a factor in your marriage having a rocky go of it? How about finances? Can you all afford another child, NT or otherwise? You aren't a sinner for recognizing that you only have so much energy, time, etc. to give to your kids. I wish more people would do the same. Can you envision being okay with #3 if #2 was NT? Finally, how would you feel about terminating the pregnancy....are you okay with the concept, or do you have religious/familial/community pressures that have to be taken into consideration relative to how you'd feel on the other side of the procedure. I can't tell you what to do, because only you can weigh it all out. I understand the pressure of the deadline. Try to ignore THAT, and relax and think. If you want to, to ease some of the pressure, go ahead and make an appointment at clinic, it can always be canceled, but that way you're covered one way or the other. I wish you all the best, it's a hell of a situation. I was lucky, in that my #1, though a high-need baby, was to the best of my knowledge, neurologically typical (NT). However, nowadays, 8 years later, we're thinking she may have mild asperger's or ?? ...not quite on the radar but giving out that familiar vibe. Swing back onto the board and let us know how you're doing. (I come here only occasionally any more myself).

-Bryn

Avatar for cathby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 7:22am

Hi,

You already got some great things to think about... I don't have much to add except support.

I have 3 kids. It's my middle (and only boy) who is PDD-NOS. I already had the baby when we figured it out, or I would've been anxious to beat the band. Like you, I've always wanted three kids. But I don't know how long it would've taken me to prepare for a 3rd and I would've been riddled with anxiety over it.

One of my friends (whose youngest of 3 kids is PDD) recently found out she was pg. by accident too. She had also just had some invasive med testing herself (before she knew) so she was flipping out. She was going to terminate the pregnancy, but then she couldn't even bring herself to mention that to the dr. So she went in and had an u/s and the fetus had not developed (possibly b/c of her medical testing). Anyway, that hit her hard too. At one point I thought I was pg (turns out it was just weird hormone shifts from weaning the baby). I was FREAKED but then I realized that a blessing is a blessing.

I have to say that it is a very different experience to raise a typical child. If that's what you decide to do, then it could be beneficial to your other kids (if DD is typical or not). I would try and look ahead and see how you might feel in 5 years or 10 years.

Good luck.

Cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 7:29am

hi there. what an incredibly hard decision to make.

what i can tell you is i have 2 boys, 10 months apart, and both on the spectrum. they are currently 2 and 3 yrs old. having 2 at first seemed kinda overwhelming. but i got into a rhythm pretty quick and it has become the norm. in other words, you adjust just like you do when you go from having one child to two in general.

you probably aren't giving yourself enough credit for what you are capable of. there are other moms on the board who have 3 or more kids. heck, renee has a boat load of kids with various issues. but somehow she has managed to become the best mom i have known. (and i don't know her personally other then talking with her via the internet over the last year or so).

i know if i was in your position i would be thinking about the same stuff. BTW, i am a prochoice person. it would be hard to decide for sure. Someone or something decided that we become mom's of these great kids. i believe that things happen for a reason (more specifically that God has a plan for us all). My second son wasn't planned when I got pregnant 6 weeks post partum. I cried for the whole pregnancy wondering how i could do it, since the older one was such a difficult infant. but he has brought so much to everyone, there is never a day of regret.

i hope you can make a decision that is right for you. please stick around, because either way you go, this is a great place to be supported.

valerie

~Valerie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 10:17am

Boy, my heart goes out to you - what a difficult position to be in.

Pat

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. --

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 10:53am

Oooof, what a tough place to be. My heart goes out to you. I wonder if you have ever had to terminate a pregnancy before? You say hopeless depression, and that may not actually be true for you, if this is the right thing for you to do.

I sadly had to terminate a pregnancy earlier in life because I was in no way able to raise a child then, and while this was very difficult and I grieved for quite awhile, it was absolutely the right thing for me to do. Thank God the option was legally there! But I was grieving and NOT hopelessly depressed, and there is a big difference between the 2. Eventually I was able to move on with my life, and now I am a mom of a great kid.

I want to say that all the support you have been given by previous posters is right on, also you should so listen to your mommy gut. If you know you cannot raise 3 under these conditions, then you shouldn't. If you feel you must give this 3rd pregnancy a chance, then you must and SOMEHOW you must find much more resources and support in raising the 3 children then you currently have.

I'm sorry that you have so little time with such an important decision, and I am happy that your husband sounds loving and supportive of YOU. I agree with Pat that an unbiased counselor might be helpful, if possible, I would say go WITH your husband as this seems to me to be a 2-person decision, really.....

Stay in touch, please let us know how you are doing,

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 11:24am

First of all, welcome to he board and bug hugs to you. You are going through a lot right now, and I empathise. I can't add much to the advice given to you by the others. There is excellent material there. I have a suggestion to make that may help you break this down into more digestable chunks. Take the best case and the worst case scenario on either side of tis decision and see which you can live with:

For instance what is the best that can happen if I choose to have this baby? What is the worst? Can I live with it?

What is the best that can happen if I choose not to have it? What is the worst? Can I live with it?

Looking at just those four scenarios should help you to see where your heart is leaning, and you can probaby work to finer granularity from there. Think all the way into the future, not just the next couple of years. There is no denying that the next couple of years will be tough either way, but I think you need to consider the bigger picture and the longer term consequences. Discuss each one wth your DH also, it's his family too, and it is not fair of him to leave this decision entirely up to you.

There is an argument that God does not give one more than one can handle, but my sister had five (typical) kids in five years and she basically fell apart, so I don't buy that argument. OK, so she had other things going on as well, but God should have understood that...

I have two special needs kids, BTW. One is 7 and HFA (boy) and my DD (5) has Aspergers. They are 21mos apart. Had I known about DS's issues before I had DD, he would be an only child. That would be a real shame, because my DD is a constant source of joy to us. I did make the decision not to have a third child (we originally wanted 4), but that was made jointly with my DH: I wanted another; he honestly felt, that should we have anoher child wth the same level of needs as DS -even knowing what we know now, that he would not be able to cope.

I don't know if that information helps you any, but there it is for what it's worth. I don't know how DH would feel if I was 10 weeks pg either.

Good luck to you. Know that there is someone in NY thinking of you and pulling for you. I hope you stick around the board and let us get to know you better.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2001
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 12:54pm
thank you all for your supportive words and suggestions. It's nice just to hear other people in the same boat...not necessarily pregnant but raising kids with special needs. All day yesterday I prayed for a decision to come to me, for me to know what would be the right thing to do. Then last night my 2-year-old, whom we have some suspiciions about, cried for 3 hours going to sleep. She WOULD NOT go to sleep. I laid next to her, listening to her scream and cry, and thought to myself if she keeps this up there's just no way.... Then my son woke up at 4 a.m. throwing up out of the blue and I was up with him for two hours. Then my dd woke up again at 6 am screaming all over again for no reason. I thought to myself that my household is so full of high needs children right now, that it's all my husband and I can do some days and nights to divide and conquer. I have not made a final decision but I am going to the clinic today for a preliminary appointment...just to have it scheduled. In the same breath, if I let myself think about it, i can smell the little baby that i could have. uggghh...so hard.