New - Perfectionism

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Registered: 02-25-2007
New - Perfectionism
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Sun, 02-25-2007 - 1:00pm

Hi, I am new to the board. I'm looking for some suggestions on dealing with perfectionism. My son, N, is 6 and very high functioning. He is just starting to read and write. At home he struggles when reading and he doesn't know a word, won't try to sound out the first letter and shuts down and won't try. Academically he can do it, but if he thinks he might get it wrong he won't try. Then when he is required to spell at school (sound out words and write them himself), he won't do it unless he knows exactly how it is spelled. He knows all the sounds of the alphabet, and can tell you when you ask and letter.

I'm wondering if anyone else has had this problem and any ideas how to break it up for him and help him, his teacher and me out with this.

Ryan

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Registered: 01-25-2007
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 4:46pm
When my son was in first grade ( he's now in third ) his teacher wrote on his report card that he "continues to be challenged by being a perfectionist". I informed her at his conference that the person who finds the cure for cancer, ends world hunger, solves the problems in the middle east etc.... will be a perfectionist. Being a perfectionist is not a bad thing. I would continue providing him with the resources he needs to develop the skills but I wouldn't worry to much if he doesn't get it right, right now. Very often my son understands things, but is not so good at organising what he knows and expressing it. For example if you ask him to summarize a book he's read, he can't. If you then ask him detailed questions about the book he will be able to answer them all. He also has the tendency to be reactive. Meaning if he doesn't get something immediately he will shut down and say he can't do it. I just calmly walk him through it and show him that he knew the answer all along. Last year he was convinced that he was terrible at math because another boy in the class was exceptional and he compared himself to this other kid. I spent the whole summer pumping his ego where math was concerned and this year his teacher says it's his best subject. Now he says "I don't like math, but I'm really good at it!" There is hope.
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 6:06pm

Never fear, they do get it. One way to help him learn to read is look for books with pictures with the word under the picture. A picture of a sweater with it spelled underneath. Victor learned very quickly this way and learned to spell complicated words because he memorized the way they were under the picture. The only time we ran into trouble was when we ran into one book that had an eye for I.

Another way to help is to drill. Things like walking in the grocery store and you walk past the apples. "Hey, do you know how to spell apples" then spell it for him. Once or twice while you walk to the next item and they learn quickly. The good thing about this perfectionist mentality is that they also tend to absorb everything. Don't quiz him on the spelling of the word, but before you know it, you'll walk past the apples and say "Do you know?" and he'll spell it before you can.

Another good way to build the confidence is to find that one subject he is good at in school. Victor's niche is science. He refused to read until we found young books on science topics. He has trouble with math, until someone relates it to the stars in the sky, then it clicks. When we were able to find that science worked for him, we were able to get him to spell all sorts of things. He knew how to spell apatosaurus at age 4 because dinosaurs were what he liked.

Alexis

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Registered: 02-25-2007
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:13am

Yes, I agree it isn't a bad thing! But it interfers with his learning or ability to try. I do walk him through it, tell him to take big breaths and try to make fun of reading. This morning I tried covering up the words in the sentences until he got to the next one. Then covering up the single word except for the beginning letter. It helped a lot. Thanks for your input!

Ryan

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Registered: 02-25-2007
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:16am

Thanks for your ideas! He gets books sent home with pictures above the sentences, and usually uses these for clues to what the words are. I notice if he is tired, or just come home from school it's nearly impossible for him to do any task he hasn't mastered. And even when we do try in the evening he shuts down. So it's finding the balance of when to try reading and getting him to deal with the frustration of it, and getting him to understand he won't always know and he needs to ask for help before flipping out.

Ryan

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:44am

We have this problem with my son to the point where he won't admit to feeling frustrated or upset because he believes he has to be perfect. The problem is by not admitting it he gets more and more frustrated and it leads to monstrous meltdowns which could have been avoided had he been willing to intervene sooner. He also doesn't always recognize his emotions either so it is a long haul.

Academically, he has been known to have behavior problems and meltdown when he makes errors. Spelling tests were a big challenge for him last year because if he would get one wrong he could get really upset. He is 5th grade so it is one thing that is really impacting his ability to be mainstreamed. He was the hyperlexic type and read before Kindie with perfect spelling so this is just starting to be in issue with the spelling but it has been an issue in other ways before.

We have been given a few ideas that we are using which are slowly working. One thing that may work with your son at this age are social stories around those specific events. Positively reinforce him for trying when he doesn't know the answer. Make a big deal about how proud you are of him for trying. This is what works best with Mike. He really wants to please others (part of that perfectionist I think. He wants to hear how well he did) so we use it.

Another thing that has helped us is using a visual with his behavior since he didn't understand the verbal as well. But a visual social stories with pictures and then including in the story how proud you are of him for trying along with following through on the story in real life is a good way to start.

BTW, I agree perfectionism isn't a bad thing, but like anything else, it is only good in moderation. Personally, here I would love to ditch some of ds's perfectionistic behaviors. It would make all of our lives much easier.

Renee

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 4:31pm

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Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 6:22pm

First, let me say WELCOME! We're glad you're here. Pull up a chair, grab your favorite beverage and enjoy the companionship of like-minded parents.

Now on to your problem...

I wish I could give you some good advice, but we deal with it all the time with our 6 y/o daughter (Dx autism). The only difference for us is that our little girl has absolutely no trouble with reading, math and spelling. In fact, she's so used to getting everything perfect that if she makes a mistake she goes into a complete and total meltdown.

For example, when I picked her up today her 1:1 told me that she had a rough day because the first thing the class did was take a spelling pre-test. Our DD missed the word "tortoise", and thus went into a 30 minute long fit about how her work was poor, how she has zero friends and how nobody loved her! It even prevented her OT from being able to work with her. The most troubling part is that the word was one of the BONUS words! If it had been the actual test, she still would've gotten a 100%...but apparently that's not enough for our little perfectionist.

We've tried several different methods to help her accept that it's "okay" to not be perfect, but she simply doesn't get it. The best results have come from us sharing experiences where we've made mistakes, and giving her lots of love whenever she isn't "perfect".

GL...it's rough to see your child hurting over something like this. But hey, if you find a magic cure, please let me know. We could sure use some in our house!

Amy

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Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 11:22pm

Welcome to the board, Ryan!


I see you've got some great advice.

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Registered: 02-25-2007
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 10:01am

Renee,

Our sons sound similar! Nicholas has always been a pleaser, and loves the positive reinforcement, and phrase. You can see him glow inside when you say how proud you are of him for trying. I never thought of writing a social story about it! Great idea! Nicholas also has problems talking about being frustrated, it only gets him more frustrated and unwilling to try. Thanks for your help!

Ryan Elizabeth

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Registered: 02-25-2007
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 10:02am

Yes you are right, he will get over this! It's just another stage, and luckily once he realizes he CAN do it, it gets much easier for him!

Ryan Elizabeth

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