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| Mon, 12-11-2006 - 5:30pm |
Hi,
It's been awhile since I've posted. My ds Bill is 8 AS,severe anxiety disorder. I'm having a problem w/Bill & figured I'd come to the experts. I've caught him a couple of times hurting our cat. I'll peek in at him and he'll be absently petting the cat and then he'll squeeze his ear really hard. Tonight I was coming home from work & I could see him through my bedroom window. I thought he was petting Dusty but he was really squeezing his paw and then he hauled off and smacked him. I ran inside and took the cat away and tried to get Bill to tell me why he's hurting this cat. He says he doesn't know. He doesn't do it to our other cat, just this one. I'm terrified of this behavior. It makes me physically ill to see him do this to an animal. Am I raising a serial killer here. I've just recently lost our insurance and I can't afford to get him into his regular psych. Does this warrant a visit? Should I speak to the school psych? Thanks guys.
Jen


(((((Jen))))))
You might want to have him evaluated for bipolar.
Well, my AS kids have hurt animals in the past but it wasn't willful. It was more just a total lack of empathy. This could be similar. It was more curiousity and trying to see what the cat's reaction would be (or dogs) than pure cruelty.
For instance, One time they did get into this thing of screaming into the cats ear. When I explained what it would be like for the cat and that the cat could go deaf, then it wouldn't hear cars and might get hit it finally dawned on them it wasn't a good idea. When they realized just how significant the consequences of thier behavior was, they felt really bad.
Cait loves animal paws and for the longest time she would grab and pull thier paws to her to check them out. How they worked, etc. But you could tell the difference, it wasn't a "I want to hurt the animal" thing it was more "hmmm, how does this work"...thing.
Made me crazy too, But social stories, constant vigilance, and being very concrete when explaining why what they are doing is wrong helps. I even often say "how would you feel if I did that to you? Would your ears hurt?" etc. Try to get them to take perspective on it.
It goes beyond the animals. Mike has been known to try and suffocate his brother so said brother wouldn't get in trouble for potty talk. Never realized that putting a pillow over Dave's face would cause more pain than getting in trouble.
So point being, see if you can discover the motivation behind the behavior. Take a step back and try to think about the behavior without predjudice. It is natural to think that if a person is hurting an animal or someone else that they are being cruel but it may be a lack of understanding.
Also, I would definitely keep a very close eye on him particularly with animals for the time being and perhaps he cannot play with the cat when someone isn't there to supervise. Mike was always really rough with animals. He loved them but would hurt them trying to cuddle, etc. We had to specifically teach him how to treat them and it took a LONG time for him to get it.
Renee
Ditto what Renee said.
Peter once pulled a kitten's whiskers out -all the whiskers on one side of his little face.
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
No great wisdom here... just wanted to say: When my mommy told me cats always land on their feet... (you can see where this is going, can't you?)... I started taking our dear kitties and throwing them to the sidewalk at the top speed I could achieve. (No serious injuries that I remember.)
The jury is still out on whether I'm 'officially' in the NT or AS camp... but it's like others have said... I had no intention to hurt them... I just had to test my mother's hypothesis. BTW: My mom was wrong... they hardly ever land on their feet..... at least not under my particular test conditions. Go figure.
Kristy
When I wrote my post about bipolar, I made the assumption that you were pretty sure this was a cruelty issue.
That's the trick. Teasing out what the intentions are which is not easy in some kids who have more than one thing going on.
Renee
I knew I came to the right place! Thank you all for your replies. I actually wasn't sure if he was being cruel or if he just didn't understand. I actually have considered bp w/Billy before and had his psych. look at that and he doesn't think so. I asked B what happened and he said that he was trying to shake Dusty's "hand" and the cat scratched him so Billy hit him. I explained to him that if I felt Dusty wasn't safe here he would have to go to another home. Billy seemed to understand. He got teary and said he didn't want him to go. He also made a point the rest of the night to show me how well he could take care of Dusty. The poor cat. LOL. Thank you all again. It's so nice to be able to come to a place where everyone understands. Take care.
Jen
Jen
Kristy,
I did exactly the same thing! (OMG! poor now-long-dead kitty).
I have NEVER told my kids that cats land on their feet.
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
It's scary when we see that behavior. I've seen this behavior in my oldest dd. One time, she was holding down the neighbors kitten while spraying it full blast with a water hose. I was even more appalled (looking out my window) to see her smiling. I made her get indoors pronto and had a big long talk with her. Mind you, she was 12 years old when she did this last summer, she just turned 13.
But empathy and relating to others has always been an issue for her. Cultivating it has been a long and arduous process. I find I have to tease out all the ways I can get her to relate so she has that "a-ha" moment.
In the above example, I told her what she was doing would be considered animal abuse. I know she loves her own dog. So I asked her how it would make her feel to look outside her window to see someone holding down her chihuahua and spraying it with a hose. She hated that thought, I knew she "got it". Sometimes I don't always find the right thing she can relate to, but I was lucky in that she is very attached to her chihuahua. Because she is so egocentric, I find I always have to paint a picture for her with her as the main character.
Quite frankly, this approach just wasn't that effective when she was younger. She just couldn't get it when she was younger, but it's getting easier as she gets older for her to see the picture.
If you don't feel it is a pathological problem then I wouldn't worry to much about it other than to stay on top of helping him find his empathy and to relate. It's going to take a few hundred times if he is anything like I was. It overall seems kind of a typical kid thing, regardless of ASD or not. I think kids by nature don't have a lot of power in their lives and it's just fascinating to have that kind of power of another creature. Selecting only one pet doesn't seem serial killer-like to me. Now maybe if it was all the pets and the neighbors pets...I'd start to worry. He simply may not like that pet as much. It's embarrassing, but I have to confess I behaved similarly as a child. I had a two pets. One I didn't like as much and I was kind of mean to him. We got him when I as a toddler and I didn't develop a nurturing bond for him, but more like something that was always just there, like the couch. Plus he was male, and I have always had a hard time relating to males. I know that sounds strange, but I think it mattered because the 2nd dog I got was female and therefore more like me. I could relate to that. The other dog, I got when I was 12 and treated it like it was my child. I think having the 2nd dog come at a later stage of my awareness was key for my empathy development, but having the other one that was always in existence from my earliest memory didn't do him any favors. (I was a lot like my oldest dd is today, LOL).
So, if it makes you feel at all better, I am a very empathetic person today. A lot of times, I would have been better off if someone just told me how things work. Like when I flat out told my dd that what she was doing was animal abuse. She told me she didn't know that. It sounds silly, but sometimes it's as simple as not knowing and needing to be told.
I just don't want you to despair. We moms get very worried when we see that stuff and it's scary. It's nice to be able to hear from others "Oh yeah....my kid did that!" Or in my case (gul) "Oh yeah, I did that too!"