Not in a good place

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Not in a good place
4
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:22pm

Hello, Board People.

Early this morning I tried to post that I had had one of those in-your-face there-is-no-denying-that-your-kid-has-differences-that-are-not-helping-him moments. My computer crashed, and since then, it has only gotten worse.

Last evening, I brought my son to a gym program, and he was not able to participate most of the time. (In fairness to him, he improved over the session, and he did participate at times especially as the class went on.) It was a drop-off class, for which my son is at the minimum age. (It is for 3-6 1/2 years.) I stayed as if it were a Mommy and Me type class. He does not like to be told what to do, and he does not like to be where it is crowded, and he is not really wild about noise, so there were several reasons why this kind of thing does not float his boat. On the other hand, he loves and craves movement, so there is no more motivating arena for working on those problems than a gym class like this one.

I did keep him more or less in the class but it was a tricky balance. There were times when he was very interested, so he could be redirected for the reward of doing what others were doing. However, there were other times that he wanted out, and he showed that by doing things such as bolting, which he did so fast, pulling him out would have rewarded the negative behavior, and not really helped. Once, I did something I do a lot to play on his independence when what I am asking him to do is not that bad. I tell him to come play X all by himself, (ie. walk over by himself,) or I will help (ie. pick him up and bring him. When I do that it sometimes works, but sometimes if I have to pick him up he tantrums for so long about having wanted to do it himself that he looses the "lesson." He has no clue that he was the one who chose not to walk on his own.

When I asked him to come all by himself or I would help him on five, he did walk to the activity, but he slapped a 6 year old on the back when he arrived impulsively. :( I was very distressed. She just looked at him with a face that said, "And what's with you???" which fit the occasion. I said I was sorry, he doesn't know, and timed him out until he was all done hitting. Of course, he liked the quiet anyway, so he was immediately all done hitting, but he did not want to go back with the group.

In the middle of the activities, there is a time that is "free-play." Of course, my son should love that, because he is allowed to do all of the things that he bolts to do, and the gym is big and the class is small, so he has a lot of space. Instead, he did a completely stimmy thing he does, running in circles and looking out way from the side of his eyes. It was one of the first moments where I think I could have said in public, "My son is autistic," and I would not have heard even one, "I just don't see it."

I was already in mourning about that, and today we got a phone call from the director of the gym. He said that he was watching my son through the one-way glass while two instructors were on the floor. (There were 5 kids in the class.) He said that my son was distracting, parents don't like me being there, but he was okay with those things. However, he said that my son can only come if he is shadowed at the gym. That does not make since because it is a careful balance to keep from turning his over-stimulated behaviours into "looking for a chase game" behaviors. Then he said that my son did some very dangerous things that I did not see, such as a flip out of a ball pit.

I was not kind to the director. I told him that it was appropriate for the teachers to get my son some of the time, because all classes are going to have a 3 year old run sometimes, and that I am not asking them to retrieve him more than average; that's why I'm there. I explained to him that when my son runs and is looking back for a reaction, I ignore it on purpose, but I told him that defensively and rudely. I told him that if he ever sees something as dangerous as my son doing a flip out of the ball pit again to come out from behind the window right away, and don't call me the next day about it when I am 5 feet from that window. I was semi-right about every thing I said, but how I said it suffered I am sure because I was just so F******* up with emotion from seeing my son display his symptoms. In addition, some of what the director was saying was subtly indicting my parenting, and I was interpreting almost everything he said as an idictmetn of my parenting.

I need me some time to just reflect and cry. I don't have that built into my packed days.

Thanks for "listening." I really appreciate it.

Sidney.

Mom to ASD 5 1/2 year old and 3 year old.

PS: I'm not even going to go into my other son having to kiss the gym equiptment during class.

APOV on Autism
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 2:17pm

Hugs to you...

Amy

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Avatar for betz67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 2:41pm

I'm so sorry you had to deal w/ the director when you'd had such a difficult time w/ the situation already! I wish I had some answers. Have you looked into a therapy type class for your son? Someone w/ experience leading a class w/ ASD kids would probably understand things better!

(((HUGS)))

Betsy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 7:38pm

Oh man Sidney,

I am SOOOO sorry. That immediately brought back memories of a gym class that Mike went to at 4yo. It was horrible. About half way through we just gave up and sat outside for the remainder while his younger sis finished the class. I was lucky enough not to get a call the next day, rather the instructor asked to talk to me after class and said the usual "this might not be the right class for him. We think you should keep him home until he is ready." Killer was he was one of the older kids in the class.

It is HORRIFICALLY frustrating but if you think about his reaction, it is likely this is not going to be the right environment to work on the issues you wanted to work on anyway. Not with those instructors. He was overwhelmed and so were you.

Preschool is such a hard time for our kids with this kind of thing. I am sending hugs and I wish there was more I could do. I have found swimming is good, just not group lessons. Either 1:1 or just pool time with mom.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2006
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 8:06am

(((((Sidney))))

Reading your post gave me a flash back to my ds at 18months. We had him signed up for a mommy & me music class. (little did we know that austim was starting to rear it's ugly head in about 6 later)
The group was from 18 mos to 3 yr. Adam was SO over stimulated I couldn't control it. Heck it was in a "snooty" neighborhood too, so one of the moms snorted at me that HER child was the brat last year!!!

So needless to say I pulled him. 18 months to 3 years is a HUGE developmental gap.

This is true with your son. Heck 3 to 6 is HUGE. Not only that, the sensory input/output probably really aggrevated him too.

As for the director telling you a day later about the ballpit episode--that's bull!
I give you credit along with ME and ALL THE OTHER MOMS on this board who WILL NOT keep their "weird kid" out of typical stuff. It will benefit them with ups and Lord know alot of downs.
Do you have an aide avaiable in your state that could shadow your son at this gym class? My Adam is going into typical gymnastics next month with 3/4 yr old grp (hooray for the age group) and my behavior consult lady is going to sit in each week for him to stay on task.

Jut know that some days will be more autistic than others. I know how odd that sounds but it's so true.

Nora