Not hold back after all??
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| Sun, 01-27-2008 - 6:19pm |
Hello all. I need advice. For the longest time, DH and I were thinking our oldest son, Kyle, would do the best in school by being held back a year so he started kindergarten when he is 6 years old. That's because of all his developmental delays due to Asperger's Syndrome and maybe ADHD also.
Kyle is very immature for his age and very small at 3 feet, 3 inches tall and 30 pounds. He is not potty trained and has NO interest in learning. He does not eat independently all of the time (not even very often) and won't eat food that has to be chewed a lot. (He hates to eat - sigh.) He does not dress himself and hates getting dressed. Socially, he is more often like a 3-year-old. My biggest fear in sending him onto kindergarten next year is that he will be made fun of a lot, especially if he isn't potty trained. And, he can be a bit of a bully himself, wanting to get a reaction from kids (including crying) for the things he does. Having been born May 28, Kyle is only 2 months and a few days from the Aug. 1 deadline, making him a young 5 if he were to go on to kindergarten.
BUT ... Kyle seems on time and even ahead in terms of knowledge. He understands how you count to 100! He can't count that high without some help, but he gets how you do it. He can count to 20 pretty much on his own. (He forgets number 15 for some reason.) After that, he knows you count 21, 22, etc. up until the next set of numbers. For 30 or whatever, he might say 20 10 (LOL), so he understands the whole process. He can even spell words on toys - the toys show him the words to spell. He can spell his name without help, etc.
Kyle's current teacher, who has had Kyle for two years now, worries he will get really bored if we hold him back and wonders if he misbehaves often because he is bored. Currently, Kyle is in a preschool class with up to 6 kids with IEPs and 6 typically developing kids, and with a teacher and two assistants. His teacher has been having Kyle attend (for short stretches) a regular preschool class that has more kids and fewer teachers, and thinks so far he really enjoys being around more kids and who are a bit older.
If we send Kyle on to kindergarten, there is another issue. Currently, there is a push in our district to send kids with an IEP to their home school if at all possible. I do not like our home school at all. (I don't even want my youngest going there.) The principal has gotten rid of experienced teachers and hired ones right out of college whom she can control. A lot of teachers left the school for another district school - big red flag there.
Kyle's current teacher recently observed the teacher Kyle probably would get for kindergarten, and she ended up saying she would NOT recommend that teacher for him. (I've heard she favors girls over boys and is into negative reinforcement.) Well, that's the teacher he'd get if he gets half-day kindergarten. Yet, I've also heard that teacher plans to retire after this school year, which is another problem: Kyle could get some unknown teacher - not a good situation when your child has special issues and needs a certain type of teacher to do well.
I have heard some good things about our home school's all-day kindergarten teacher. I plan to observe her some time this week, and hope Kyle's current teacher can do the same. I just worry that Kyle might not be able to handle that much school, especially having to eat lunch there (given his eating issues). Or would a longer school day be better for Kyle, giving him more social exposure to kids, etc.? It could be that Kyle would be better off with all-day kindergarten because he might be pulled out of class a lot for services.
Really, the ONLY way I'd be OK in sending Kyle to our home school is if he could get the all-day kindergarten teacher and if I and his current teacher think she would be a good fit for him. Otherwise, I'd push for Kyle to get a special assignment to another district school.
What would you do with such a child as Kyle? Hold him back or send him on to kindergarten? Half-day or all day?
Michelle
Mom to Kyle (5-28-03) and Luke (3-28-07)
P.S. Regarding of what we do with Kyle next school year, our plan is to move to another part of the district in spring or summer 2009 so Kyle and Luke can attend a "good" elementary school in an area that is more diverse. Our current area is not very diverse. I think Kyle might benefit from being in a more diverse area - the kids might be more accustomed to differences in people and, in turn, accept Kyle more easily. I really like that our district has an alternative high school. Kyle can go there if he doesn't like attending a regular one.

Hi Michelle,
Wow you have alot on your plate for your son, and making these kind of decisions are always hard.
Hi Michelle,
My ds is in half day kindergarten at his homeschool (they only offer half day).
I can't really advise you but I can tell you the kind of things I would be considering if it were my kid, and you can discount any that seem irrelevant to you. Firstly, in my experience it is a bit misleading to think of our Aspie kids as any particular age, academically or socially. You say Kyle is 'immature' and more like a 3 year old socially, and my DS fitted that description sort of at that age, as well as being 'mature' academically, again fitting my Aspie, but I think that can lead to a false expectation that somehow they will 'mature' socially into age-appropriate behaviour like NT kids. And they won't. His social skills will improve as he gets older, but his struggle with social skills now is not due to his immaturity, it is due to his Asperger's, and he is never going to 'grow out' of that.
I think realising the implications of that have been tremendously helpful for us, because we have stopped waiting for Euan to 'catch up' on his social and emotional skills and instead have accepted that he is going to have to learn those social and emotional skills in a different way. The school/kindergarten need to accept that too - particularly as you are going in with dx (more than we did!) and so they have no excuse not to know about your son's particular needs.
So I think the question you always needs to ask yourself is not whether Kyle is 'mature' enough to cope with part-time or full-time kindergarten but whether the care/education setting, whatever it is, will meet his needs, will help him develop the social, emotional and academic skills he needs, and most importantly, whether he'll be happy there.
In my experience, full-time kindergarten is a lot easier for Aspie's than p/t. It has a structure and routine to the day that, once they have settled in and learned, is much less disruptive than a half-day. Assuming there is sufficient support in place - particularly for Kyle around eating, toiletting and transition periods - there is no reason to suppose that he couldn't cope with full-time kindergarten. Please don't take this the wrong way, but it isn't going to get any easier the older he gets - he is never going to be a NT kid, he is always going to be different and need extra help and so be the potential target for bullying. A good kindergarten, a good school and a good teacher will be prepared for that and will have strategies in place to prevent it and to deal with it - that's exactly what you should be discussing with potential teachers and principals.
And you may well find that he eats better at school than he does for you. For some reason my Aspie is like this: he latches on to the 'rule' that you must have a clean plate at school and eats, whereas at home he struggles with some tastes and textures and gets very stressed about eating, and I get stressed about it too.
Hope this helps.
Kirsty, mum to Euan (9, Asperger's) Rohan (4, NT) and Maeve (2, NT)
"My definition of housework is to sweep the room with a glance"
Follow my blog on http://mumsnet.com/blogs/kirsteinr/
This is a hard decision.