Okay momma bears....please advise me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Okay momma bears....please advise me
11
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 11:23am

on how to handle a school situation??


My AS son is in 2nd grade and it has been a tough year.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 12:28pm

I once had a boss who told me "don't come to me with a problem and no solutions. I don't want to hear about problems unless you have put some thought into how to fix them".

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 3:16pm

Ditto to what Paula said! She always has such great advice!

Amy~Natalie & Lily's mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 3:20pm

Believe it or not, the school has a bullying program. My kids know very well what it is. Only problem is, I am just not seeing any response from the teacher other than, "we know this child is a problem, we are working on it, we expect to see progress very soon..." Only that was 2 months ago. I just got off the phone with the teacher and she gave me the same song again. The school has a zero tolerance policy toward any kind of physical altercations - and DS should have told her about it at the time (right, he's going to jump up off the floor in front of the kid who tripped him and immediately tell the teacher.....). I told her that he told US and we are telling her - isn't that enough? She said the consequence should be immediate or it will be less effective....so no, I guess not.


I hate public school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 4:35pm

Invite 'T' over for a playdate.

Seriously. Bullies are not born, they are made, and anyone who's ever worked on a *successful* anti-bullying scheme knows that the separation/punishment/labelling approach is a downward spiral for everyone concerned. The school needs to address 'T's needs and help sort him out, and they need to protect your son. But you can fart into the wind waiting fot that, whilst if I were you (and I have been in your situation) I'd take matters into my own hands. Don't confront, or punish 'T'. Invite him over for a playdate - if DS would find that too stressful, take them both out for a joint activity they will both like - and take the opportunity to get 'T' to get to know your son, and vice versa, in a structured, safe environment. He's only picking on your son because he can, because to him, DS is distant and wierd and weaker. As soon as he thinks of him as a real person, and particularly a person who may have some attributes he understands, can empathise with or likes, he won't be able to pick on him anymore, and if he does need to pick on someone, it'll be someone else.

Try it. If it doesn't work, you have nothing to lose and you will at least feel that you tried PLUS you can legitimately go to the school all guns blazing saying you've done YOUR best, now what are THEY going to do? I've done it successfully with my Aspie and my NT when they were being picked on (and when my Aspie started doing some picking on himself in a slightly misguided 'fitting in' attempt) and it worked wonders.

Kirsty
mum to Euan (9, Asperger's), Rohan (4, NT) and Maeve (very-nearly-2, NT)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 4:38pm

"we know this child is a problem, we are working on it, we expect to see progress very soon..."


You need to put your foot down very hard and say (preferably in writing)

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 4:57pm
Bullying is a situation that should be taken seriously. If I were in your position I would speak directly with the Principle and inform them that you want the situation to stop immediately. Your son should not suffer while they try to get a handle on the other boy. To me it doesn't even matter if it's a realistic interpretation of what is occurring. If your son feels like he is being picked on then it should be addressed. School is difficult enough for our kids. In Connecticut several years ago we had a 13 yr old boy commit suicide after years of torment by his classmates. Laws were put in place across the country holding schools responsible when they fail to stop bullying. It should not be that hard to supervise the boys and keep them away from each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 1:57am

My problem is the reverse. My aspie son (4th grade)


Mollie Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 4:15am
My son does exactly what you have described. He's been doing it since Kindergarten and he is now in the fourth grade. It really does come over them like a bolt of lightning. When he is calm he can tell all the right strategies that he should have used, but during that millisecond of anger it's like they have mind blindness. Interestingly enough, it's usually the aggressive , bully types that he hits! If he loses a game to a child that laughs and taunts him for losing he will immediately take a swing at them. If he loses to a child that wins gracefully he doesn't seem bothered by it at all. He too is in therapy sessions but is seems to be a very common trait among children with Asperger's.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 8:28am

We have the same thing happening.

                                

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 9:51am

I was thinking the same thing coming from the POV of the parent of the autistic child who is very verbal and was very aggressive. Thankfully in 6th grade it is finally just verbal outbursts and he hasn't hit in a while but he would if he were in public school.

I was thinking it is very possible this other child has a diagnosis of his own as well. As for the "pushing and laughing" for instance, I have an ASD boy in my class that will push other kids and laugh however, he is doing it to initiate play. Or he is doing it to get a reaction out of me or my aide. He is not a "bully" in the typical sense of bully, not at all. But right now if you look at some of his behaviors in isolation that is what you would think. I also know his parents haven't done anything that would contribute to this behavior kwim?

We can't judge a kid or a situation unless we have all the information and with VERY strick laws about confidentiality you are not going to know all the information.

In fact, you are getting the same info from the teacher because that is all the info she can likely legally tell you. If this is a child with a disability and he is on a behavior plan she cannot tell you that. If he is making progress in his classroom he cannot be moved based on behavior alone. Just came across that problem myself.

At anyrate, see if you can perhaps talk to the principal about the situation. You may be able to get a bit more information there as well as what they can do about it. The principal has more pull.

You definitely need to make sure that your son is safe, however, I think you were right not to rush to judgement on this child initially with a label such as bully without all the info. I would take it to the principal next. YOu have gotten all you can from the teacher and it might help the situation to go to the next level.

Renee

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