opinions, thoughts needed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
opinions, thoughts needed.
10
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 4:49pm
my usual in person supports are not available right now so i'd like to throw this out to my cyber supports. son just called, he wants to stay overnight at dad's. i have 2 problems with this 1) son is on prozac and just started depakote. xh does not believe that son has any problems so he does not want him on medicine. so even if son had taken meds with him last night dad will not give them to son. i learned this when son went on vacation in april with dad.meds travelled with them and were not given. dad kept them at his house. 2) xh will not change the visitation schedule so son & i have a whole weekend together. son visits dad every friday nite til saturday nite.usually if they want extra time together i agree to it.xh won't give an inch on the visitation unless he gets something or if he has plans & was going to cancel that visit.
some background after 5 years of marriage we had a son, xh decided he "did not want to be a father". so then came the messy divorce. i have a restraining order against him for assault & battery. drop off & pick up occurs at the police station (for over 8 years).we don't speak . we used to communicate by book but xh stopped writing so for the last several months there has been no communication.the situation stinks. i do have sole custody.depakote is given 2x a day so he would have missed 3 doses. the psychatrist knows xh won't give the sat am dose of prozac. but i'm not willing to screw around with the depakote. how do i explain to son that he that he can't "just not take these meds"?.transitions are hard for son. the transition from dads to moms can be brutal. yelling, hitting, meltdowns. i expect tonite to be terrible.i agreed that son can go back to dads tomorrow. can i tell son that if he acts up tonite tomorrow is off? if i keep him home tomorrow it will be torture for me .after vacation with dad in april son wanted to stop prozac because dad said he did not need them. i was devestated. the meds had made son bearable so we could work on the issues.son realizes that prozac makes him able to deal with situations.he feels better about many things. he's had regular playdates since starting prozac. the depakote was just started so there has been no benefits yet. son is requesting melatonin before bed because he realizes it helps sleep. i think he may not want to take meds because he can't spend extra time with dad if he's taking meds.because dad doesn't want him to take them) i'm also annoyed because when xh took son to psych he did not pay the copay. the bill just came to me.
Avatar for littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 7:29pm

delete




Edited 2/19/2008 7:12 pm ET by littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 8:07pm

I agree with littleroses. And if you have full custody, you really have the upper hand here. You might want to consider getting the law involved again, because not giving drugs is pretty much abusive, negletfull and must NOT be allowed to happen... And some of the other behaviors of xh are also, shall we say, highly counterproductive.

Your xh is actually doing alot of damage here, IMHO. I do most respectfully suggest that you will need to be much more controlling of this situation, for the well being of your child. Your child cannot be expected to be responsible for his own medication, and perhaps should not be allowed to be left alone in the questionable care of a parent who is not an appropriate caregiver.

I do feel for you, but in order for your child to be well, I believe that this father-son relationship will need to be conducted only under constant watchful eyes. Perhaps IN the police station, even, ie. court-appointed guardian for brief visits.

yours,

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 9:30pm
I have to say I also agree about this whole thing with your xh not giving your son his medications. I would be talking to the police, courts and anyone else because this is neglect and in some cases abuse.. I think that making him come home would be the right step and if it came right down to it keep him home he needs structure(sp) and it really sounds like xh does what he wants with your son and it really does have to be done correctly..

 

Avatar for googolplex
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 3:03am

I'm going to chime in and say that I agree with each of the previous responses. I can't really add anything new, but I'm vigorously nodding my head in agreement.

Evelyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 10:01pm

I feel for you......XHs can be such a$$holes......I've been divorced from Vaughn's dad for almost 7 years now and we have finally gotten to the point where I will drop son off at his dad's house for visitation......he still refuses to come to my house but at least we are not meeting in the police station anymore......BTDT....it sucks!

As for the meds......I would make sure that your XH is not allowed overnight visits if he is not going to give your son his meds......son can still go over and have dinner or spend the afternoon with dad but no overnights or extended stays......those meds can't be messed with.

Good Luck!!

Christie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:41pm
How old is your son? My daughter is 12 and she has some medicines she has to take and she takes them on her own. So, if she spends the night somewhere, she knows to take her medicine. Can you son do this on his own?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 6:33pm
son is 8 and a half. he can/does take his medicine at home. problem is his father does not believe son needs them so he doesn't want son to take them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2006
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 7:28pm

BIG HUGS to you mom!!!!!!!!!!
As for xh what an a**hole. I don't know what to even say. Is your xh in denial over the whole thing or what. If he were any type of responsible parent (seem not to be) he would be more involved on getting your ds help.
More hugs, you have sole custody you call the shots.

nora

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 8:48pm
thanks for the hugs and the support. if you only knew how much good your words meant tonite. thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 9:27pm

Anytime anytime.
Hecke we all have been through alot with the whole dx and adjustments.
I read somewhere you have dreams when you are pregnant and now with the life we have to face we dream new dreams.
God Bles you. You're a strong woman and your son with benefit from your will to fight for him.

Extra Hugs
nora