ot- old

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
ot- old
6
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 9:41am

hello

this message may be off topic but i'd like your opinions as moms of aspies. sometime this spring/summer i was thinking of trying on line dating or a dating service. xh & i split more than 9 yrs ago. he has remarried. i've had some dates but with current visitation i have only one nite free a week. and when son is not home i work a second job. son has MAJOR issues with men even speaking to me. he has HUGE separation anxiety problems with me even stepping out front to drop off a bag of trash. his behavior toward me gets worse when i speak to a man on the phone. my boss from second job calls weekly to give me my schedule.son freaks.

right now son is having problems with step mother. son tells me she is "stealing" from him. after talking to him i find that she is "stealing" his father from him. son will not speak to his father about this issue so son & i have been role playing & discussing options.
now that i have a handle on son's school and aspie issues and after court this spring i'm hoping to have visitation every other week my questions are:

1) when/how do i tell dates about son's asd?

2) any suggestions about helping son accept mom dating?

3) do you know any nice guys in the boston area about 40 yrs old?

Avatar for littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: decson
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 12:53pm

Avatar for betz67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: decson
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 7:36pm

I don't think this is OT either! It's something very much tied up w/ your son's ASD and your having to live your life while thinking of how it all affects both of you. wow, that's so much to think about and wrap my mind around. I don't have any advice for you, just lots of positive thoughts and hope things go well. I'm sure some of the other BTDT moms will have great advice!

Betsy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: decson
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 9:36pm

I don't have any advice either but I know my ds would be exactly the same way. However, be that as it may, you can't let it rule your life and you need to be able to have a social life as well or you will resent him for it.

Is ds in any kind of social skills, counselling or play therapy (preferrable with someone who specializes in ASD). Perhaps they can there work on social stories and role plays for these situations so he can come to terms with them. It may help.

As for the dates, I would likely bring it out in the open as soon as possible. It isn't something easy to just put out there but if you don't it could be a problem. I am usually pretty much a you have to be honest type person.

It may not be easy to bring up so you could be sneaky. Get an autism bumper sticker or magnet for your car perhaps and see if he brings it up in conversation. Perhaps if you are involved in the local ASA groups you can sneak something about that into your conversation "Oh I am sorry, I am going on the autism walk next weekend".

At anyrate, I would do it as soon as possible but I would try to keep it natural. In other words not one of these "I have to tell you something" but just part of your natural conversation as it comes up like it is no big deal, just part of your life.

My totally have no experience in this area thoughts.

Renee

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
In reply to: decson
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 8:13am

son has a therapist. we've briefly worked on this issue. his dad has someone move in with him without telling son, then married the woman without telling/inviting son. when i mention dating to son he tells me that no one would want me.i feel that i am ready to start dating.in the past i have dated but nothing serious. after some time passed most of thse dates turned out to be funny stories. on a second date one man brought me newspaper articles about"when single mothers start to date", he also had a printout of his schedule for the next 3 months and the times we would go out together were included!
i think he would not have accepted son.

so do i tell every man i date about son or do i wait til after a few dates? whom am i kidding, son comes up in every conversation i have with anyone. yep it's time for mommy to have a life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
In reply to: decson
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 10:55am

Hi Decson:

I have been/am in this situation.

I was separated from my ex for a few months when I decided to try Match.com for something fun/different to do. I met many nice people online. I went out on a few dates with one man, but he just wasn't "mature" enough for me...still in to toys (boats, 4-wheelers) and the bar scene. I'm younger (about 29 then, now 32, w/an 8 1/2 yo aspie), but because I have children and special needs one at that I tend to go for men who have gotten beyond their youth a little.

Anyhow, I also met my current partner on match.com. We've been together 3 years, moved in together 9 months ago. We talked for 2 months or so before our first "meeting". I told him about my son having "developmental issues" somewhere after a month of so of regular emails (every other day/every day for a month). I did not tell him he had "asperger's syndrome/autism" until we met. We showed pics of our kids and that's when I told him. I didn't want to spend the energy before we met, if we were never going to meet... But once we did, we talked a little about it and then after that he asked some questions, was considerate to ask on the phone/email if my day was ok/challenging. I think it depends on what you are looking for. Originally, I was just looking to have some fun, but once I met my partner I was fairly hooked on him and knew I could fall in love and want a life with him. At that point, I needed to show my cards. No point falling for someone when they don't know the "real" you!!!

It HAS been a struggle blending families (he has a 6 1/2 daughter)... My suggestion is wait EVEN longer than 3 years and do EVEN MORE couples counseling if you decide to ever blend families with someone!!! Blending families is difficult in general, never mind different parenting strategies and NT/non-NT kids.

Good luck...
Nicole

PS - I have one 40-something nice guy... if I happen to finish with him anytime soon (lol), I'll send him your way~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
In reply to: decson
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 1:36pm

do you want to keep my address on file in case you do finish with him?
i'm glad things worked for you. xh was physically and emotionally abusive. he still tries (and sometimes succeeds) to control my life. i was 32 when i gave birth so that makes me about 41 now. i did want another child but realize that is not going to happen. some men i met were also into their toys or sports. anyone i would get involved with would have to be happy with his own life and have room for me & my son. son's dad did not involve him with the woman he married.now there seems to be resentment and jealousy on both parts. son does not have to be a huge part of our relationship right away but i am his custodial parent and the one that takes care of everything for him. his dad is threatening (or as he sees "promising") to take custody in 5 yrs. it made me realize that son will be somewhat independent in a couple of years and it would be nice if i had someone for me.

if the dating thing doesn't work i could just get a dog:)