OT - but seeking thoughts
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| Sun, 11-26-2006 - 3:40pm |
Hi. I'm Nicole. Mom of 2 boys. Dominic (AS, SID), Nathan (SID, and probably AS, just a mom in denial because it's VERY mild).
Anyhow, I'm divorced and recently moved in with my fiance and his NT daughter. She is 6, Dom is 8 and Nate is 4.5. Anyhow, considering the changes, I thought the boys did well as did SD. Dominic has been having issues with wetting himself regularly (before it was here and there).
I feel like part of the reason is that my partner and I have been having blending difficulties and it changed our very light, airy, lovey partnership into a somewhat distant one. we used to hug and kiss, hold hands, laugh, talk, etc. in front of the kids. Now we kind of avoid each other when we're all home together and rarely speak outside of do you want this or that at meal times. after bedtime, it's either a cold war or whispered arguing.
In addition, my partner's ex-w says very bad things to my sd about me, which she repeats in front of my children. At first she woudn't even acknowledge my kids when they were there. it made Dom nuts and anxious whenever she was coming around... it made (well still does) Nate obsessively overly friendly to the point of annoyance. I don't blame my sd for talking, in fact I guess I feel flattered that she feels ok enough with me to open up about things that are hurting her feelings. anyhow, now that my SD is offering up all of her mom's nasty comments, my older son has been wetting himself whenever he sees her (which is every Mon/Tues at after school care her mom picks her up on those days, and some mornings that my partner takes the kids to school...). He is very upset with the things he hears and isn't dealing well.
Now, my mother bird instinct tells me something has to change. I'm concerned tho, if I pick up and move us out and end this relationship with a man they adore (and I do too, even tho it's been rough right now), Dominic especially will become out of control.
I know it's a hard stretch, but does anyone have any thoughts? If presented with this situation what would you do? After 3 years, the ex-wife is just getting more and more malicious about her words. Nevermind the affect my poor sd is feeling, but I can't fix that for her, even though I wish I could. I NEED to protect my own children though.
any and all thoughts are MORE than welcome. thanks for reading through...

I get from your post that you love this new man and would desparately love for there to be a way to work this all out and be able to stay with him. I have some quick responses to your story, which is very hard to hear, I am so sorry! Hugs to you and good for you for taking a chance on love again. But this is a dangerous situation, really, and you may not be able to make this work...
The man is the one who needs to step up to the plate here. He must NOT allow his ex to speak to his daughter and his new partner (you) and in front of your children like this! He must put his foot down. He needs to protect you and your vulnerable children from the woman he used to be involved with. He also needs to make arrangements so you and your children will not be subjected to this abuse, I would arrange your lives so there is no contact with this ex on drop-offs and pick-ups, and I would have HIM tell the ex the reason this is necessary.
You might consider family counselling for all of you, as a group. Or at least for you as a couple, and separately for the daughter. I do feel so for the daughter. This ex does not sound at all well, and is way, way out of line. The scary part is that she somehow feels justified in being abusive, and that doesn't bode well.
I think the living together is going to take time, but your love relationship is going to need more nurturing and development. Maybe the move in together was just too soon for the state of affairs? Too much pressure for a budding relationship? You will have to become very strong partners against the face of such adversity.
But the thing here is, I just feel in my gut that you must immediately find a way to cut off contact with this woman for you and your boys, and the father of the daughter needs to take charge. Otherwise, I sadly suspect you will not be able to make this blended family work...
yours,
Sara
ilovemalcolm
I agree with the others - fiance' needs to step up to the plate and tell his ex that what she's doing is not cool and is harming THEIR child (SD). For now, leave you and the boys out of it, because I have a feeling that ex-wife is simply trying to make his life miserable. What she doesn't realize is she's causing serious harm to her daughter in the process.
I've been divorced about 18 months (April 05). Ex remarried last June (June 06). We agreed when we separated that all negative comments/actions were to be kept away from the boys. They did not ask for the divorce. They did not cause the problems leading up to the divorce. So there's no sense bringing them into the middle of a spat - they've got a hard enough time adjusting to life as we now know it.
We've made this nuclear/blended family thing work. I have full custody of Josh (10yo - not his). We have split custody of William (7yo) and Ryan (4yo) - William lives with him, Ry lives with me, and they're together either here or there every weekend - Josh included when he wants to go. Add in his new wife's 6yo DD at their house. And now imagine the look on William's teacher's face when we ALL (Kids included) showed up for conferences together :D She looked at William and said "Who's this?" and he said "My momS". I didn't make an effort to befriend H (new wife) - it just happened. But Jeff's made the comment "It's so much better for the boys because you two DO get along well."
Hi! Thanks for your thoughts/comments.
As to where I'm at. I'm so stuck in the middle of looking for reasons not to do this anymore and trying to make it work. That's how utterly confused and lost I am.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years, waiting over 2 of those years to move in together. We went to counseling prior to moving in because we do have very different parenting styles. I'm very strict and structured (probably mostly because of the boys' needs, but I think I would be anyhow as that is how I was raised). I have set bedtimes, expectations of table behavior, manners, the whole 9. Whereas my partner kind of floats through life. It can make for a nice balancing of each other, at other times it is pure h#ll.
Our challenges started nearly as soon as the kids met (about 8 months into the relationship, when we were certain we wanted to move to long term). Going out to eat was a nightmare for me. I worked very hard to have itchy-bottomed, feeding-issued children who could sit fairly well through a meal and eat what I gave them... Now I sat at a table with a (then) 4 year old child who was allowed to jump on the seats, lay on her father's lap, put her FEET on the table and pick at her food but drink 2-3 glasses of chocolate milk and have desert after not eating her dinner... oy I could go on forever (not to mention the fact that because she wouldn't eat, a meal could take 2 hours plus... I actually picked up and left restaurants with my boys; how long can we be expected to sit while she goofs around and THEY get in trouble for "misbehaving")! Bedtime was a nightmare for us... my kids went down pretty well (I worked hard for that too), and here was a child who never had a set bedtime or a routine (well, the routine was watch a movie until whenever she passed out in front of the TV). You get the gist.
Anyhow. My partner has worked on these things and we still struggle, although in the past month my crying fits must have given him some incentive to put the pedal to the metal and she's definitely being made to eat what we give her and in a timely fashion, in addition to expectations of sitting like a lady at the dinner table and having more consistent bedtime routines (I gave in and added 15 minutes to our usual bedtime).
As far as the issues with her mom, he emails her, he has spoken to her... she doesn't care. I've told him he needs to step up and take his daughter to a counselor. Their agreement says they have to agree, or go to mediation. I feel like we are financially comfortable and we can afford to put out the money so that this child can find some peace!!! It is worth every penny as far as I am concerned. I realize throwing $5000 or more dollars each year away on court/lawyer expenses seems silly (and we have already just for where the poor girl will go to school), but for me getting this child the help she needs and deserves is important.
I feel like she's been put under so much lately, a new Step mom and step brothers (and me being much more strict than she is used to...neither parent disciplines or sets limits/consequences) on our side, a new step-dad and step brother on her mom's side. Just the changes in her home life at dads in terms of having a bedtime set, rules to follow, eating foods she was never made to before. I know I sound like the wicked stepmother, but I really believe in a healthy diet and rules/structure/consequences.
I feel like they take for granted that they have a healthy, typical child, and neglect the important things all children need: guidance, rules, and yes even consequences. She had no idea what was expected of her, and that has made her very unstable.
I guess at the end of the day I know I picked this man because he had many wonderful qualities and his ability to make me feel whole was incredible. We agreed to begin a life together, with full disclosure of my needs (and that of the boys). I guess I wonder if as much as I told him and for all that he saw, living with children like my boys is just too much. If I had only NT children, I'm not certain I'd sign up for challenged ones... I think he knows some of the great things these boys are capable of, and he's very good about encouraging their strengths; at the end of the day though I wonder if he's bit off more than he can chew.
Thanks so much for listening. I really needed to just get it out to unbiased people who haven't lived through the past 3 years with me!
Nicole
Mom to 2 healthy, intact boys
Stepmom to 1 beautful girl...