Perfectionism and Sticky Thinking

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Perfectionism and Sticky Thinking
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Sat, 05-13-2006 - 8:52pm

I guess this is mostly a vent, since I'm not sure exactly what to do about it.

I decided to make invitations for Sam's B-day party because the run-through-printer invite paper was about the same as pre-printed invites you write on. I thought it would be a good way to brush up on my drawing, design and computer skills since it's been awhile.

I did some thumbnails and started doing comps on the computer which intrigued Sam.

Any attempts at drawing or designing together on paper in the past have been very bumpy. He gets so caught up in getting what he sees in his head on the paper just like he sees it in his head, that every "mistake" adds up and keeps escalating into a meltdown. The kind where he's exclaiming how horrible he is at drawing and he'll never learn, crying uncontrollably...etc, the whole shebang.

I thought that perhaps the ease of deleting and starting over on the computer might help. Plus the availability of tools to make perfect circles, squares, stars.....etc may appeal to him. But it ended up the same way and was not enjoyable at all.

I have an especially hard time with this since no amount of consolling, reassuring, talking about the processes I went through to become an artist or my experiences help him at all. He's so distraught about not being able to do it perfectly (he uses the word perfect.) It's hard even for him to explain what he wants in words or draw on paper for prep to the computer so no matter what we did, he was severly disappointed in himself and the whole experience. It makes me so sad; what could have been a great mom and son moment ended up turning into a huge meltdown with me wondering, "what's the point?"

I'm not sure how he will be able to deal in the world when it's so difficult for him to learn new things. Every damn skill he needs to be independent is hard for him; reading, writing, socializing, communicating, staying in one place long enough to get anything done......sigh..

The combination of sticky thinking and perfectionism is a mother. He can't see to the other side of the horrible feeling to understand that he'll can do better with work and practise. And I don't know how to teach this skill. He has no control of what he feels when he feels it, no way to see to the other side of the emotion and often no knowledge that's it's about to or will happen in certain circumstances when it has happened before.

Chrystee

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Sat, 05-13-2006 - 9:48pm

I really understand because this is our problem too. It is so upsetting to see them get so distressed. I never thought a 4yo could have self-esteem issues, but Eric does. I don't have advice except to say that I don't think it is uncommon and we have the same challenge.

Eric's frustration/meltdowns are just like you describe. He has an idea in his head but doesn't have the fine motor skills to execute it. Lately his ability to hold crayons etc. has improved and as he has gained a little confidence, I notice less meltdowns in the drawing arena. But when he does melt down he goes into such a downward spiral and he has actually said, "I don't love myself" which seems so disturbing to me for a 4 yo. We talked to a psych about it, who was really not much help, truthfully. He just said it was a common feature of AS kids and that we needed to work on teaching him flexibility, but he didn't really give us an idea of how. He suggested ABA for this, but I am not really sure that is right for this kind of problem, but I don't know. It is useful to keep track of what triggers the melt-downs, but I already know and don't need anyone to tell me the cause, but some ways of dealing with the problem might be good. I don't know, still considering what is best...

In the meantime, what we've been doing is making mistakes ourselves at unexpected moments to show everyone has trouble sometimes and makes mistakes. Then emphasize, "oops!" "Oh well, try again" we do this at times when Eric is calm, and with something we are doing, but he may not be doing. I am not sure if it is helping yet, but like usual, it will take a few hundred times, LOL!

This is a hard one though. When Eric gets that way I just feel so terrible, he is so upset and defeated. Again, it seems so extreme for a kid as young as him. It just doesn't seem fair does it?

I'd like any BTDT advice too and just wanted to say you are not alone.

Katherine

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 10:23pm

oh ((((Chrystee)))) I can SO understand your vent, from beginning to end.

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Registered: 02-24-2004
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 10:31pm

Chrystee,

We have this problems with Nathan too. He's a perfectionist. He has always had the imagine in his head....but never able to put it on paper. Everything has to be exact. "His" idea of what perfect is. Nathan is now 7, but when he was ...oh, about 4yrs old, and learning to write...it was extremely difficult. Many, many tantrums!! It took him awhile to learn how to draw pictures. I believe his first picture was done in kindergarten. His teacher was surprised that I was so excited! She didn't realize that the picture he drew in class, was the FIRST picture he had drawn! Stick people were difficult because he could never get the faces on them to look exactly the way he wanted them too...not to mention the circle for the head!!!

Anyway, fast forward to today.....he's much better, only tantrums when he's having a hard day. He has learned that making mistakes is "ok", and that no one is PERFECT. I said this to him..many, many, many times...and I STILL DO. He eventually started saying it himself even. When he would make a mistake, he would correct it....and say, "mommy, everyone makes mistakes?" And I would agree with him, and then he would smile.

It's repetitive, and it takes a very long time. But they do learn it. Whenever I make a mistake....I make sure he knows it. This way I can "show" him, that it's ok....I fix what I did wrong, I pick up what I dropped, I erase if it's not right....etc., etc.

It's tiring to have to repeat myself all the time, but I've seen that it does work. And now that he's reading....I can now tell him, "look, you thought you couldn't read, and LOOK at YOU....you're reading!"....he gets all smiles, and you can see the proud look on his little face!! I work real hard at building his self esteem. It's a hard job, but hang in there!!

Hugs,
michelle

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Registered: 10-03-2004
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 5:01am

Dear Chrystee,

I agree with MIchelle that repeat, repeat is what works. It just takes a lot longer to learn that we all survive this kind of frustration and that practise and getting things "wrong" is part of learning. But our ds is learning this lesson and now at age almost-9, this perfectionism-anger stuff is really starting to fade away! Also used to be that ds was frustrated EVERY time he started something new with not being able to do it right away, and now he is really starting to understand that learning takes time every time in every area! This is a big lesson!!! Malcolm has been working on this issue continuously since he was 3...

I don't know if this helps, but it has always helped me to remember that these things are so much harder on ds than me, that he was really genuinely suffering from his expectations every time (not trying to manipulate or be difficult to "get" me, etc.) and that has helped me keep my patience and empathy so I could soothe, soothe, soothe, explain, explain, explain. The rewards now as he is starting to be able to do this for himself and even without thought ... are so gratifying.

I wish there was a quick fix, but I hope it helps you to know there can be a light down the tunnel on this one. Now, when I make a mistake and get annoyed, Malcolm soothes me.

Sara
ilovemalcolm

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Sun, 05-14-2006 - 11:52am

Well, thanks to everyone for your posts.

We too have been working on this forever, Sam is soon to be 7 now though and I would have liked to think that this would have abated somewhat. I do repeat and try to be as laid back when I make mistakes or things don't go my way. Unfortunately, the only area that I've excelled at this is art. He definately takes after mom in that I don't like surprises and am a bit of a perfectionist myself. I tend to get loud when frustrated though I keep going and don't totally meltdown.

I do have to say that on the drawing front, I think he is easier going at school than at home. I think having other kids around whose drawings look similar to his is easier to deal with than trained mom's artist's hands banging out a quick line drawing of whatever it is we're drawing that day. He still is drawing stick figures and is still very undetailed, but like Nathan he didn't really draw anything until Kindy. I do have to say that he has a good eye for composition and color design. His drawings have a very mature awareness of placement on the page and relationship of colors; they seem very purposeful and not random. I don't think he's doing it consciously.....so maybe that's just mom's "my-baby's-a-genius" syndrome!

Reading is still very difficult and I'm constantly reminding him that he *can* read. He can sound out words pretty well right now with someone there to reassure, but still insists that he cannot read.

Unfortunately I think that his personality and the AS, along with attention issue and reading disability all work against each other to make life incredibly difficult. I really hope with maturity, he'll be able to take things in stride better. He is better at at least trying once or twice before giving up now.

Chrystee

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