pissed pissed pissed
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| Thu, 03-20-2008 - 6:43pm |
I am hiding here so I don't kill son. At least for a bit.
For some reason this one behavior really really bothers me.
I went to pick up Mike from school today because I needed him home earlier to get him to his rehearsal and feed him a snack. It is the last day before spring break and he was taking home a blown egg he made today. Well the glue started coming off the string and he started to freak. So I told him to let me see and I would fix it. When he starts to freak like that he usually ends up breaking whatever it is and getting more upset.
Well of course while I am fixing it he starts to scream at me "Your Breaking it GOD DAMM IT!" etc.
His school is in a business park. This was outside and he is nearly my height. Needless to say we turned more than a few heads. I said to him "try again" and he did talkmore calmly. That is our cue that he needs to change his words.
Well his teacher walks over and gives him this big lecture on how he can't talk to his mother that way. She was half the park away of course but she comments how everyone heard his behavior. I know she was trying to help but I was FRIGGEN mortified.
So Mike is in trouble. I am not talking to him right now because that is one behavior in public that I just cannot stand and I will kill him if I talk to him. Now I have to go drop him at rehearsal. Thank god he is gone for 2 hours because I may be able to forgive him by the time I pick him up.
Renee




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I'm sure you are mortified, but in a way, the dressing down from his teacher probably got some points across to him that you would not have been able to impart:
1. people far away can hear.
2. it's not just Mom who doesnt' like him speaking that way, and they will let him know.
So some good may come of it.
If he lives, of course. ;)
We'll have a glass of vino tonight and talk about it. Does that sound like plan?
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
No good will come of it. He gets it but the info never ever friggen sticks. He has done this to his teacher and other students too. He has been dressed down many times by many people. even his sensei did it once when he yelled at me in public.
I guess I should say that while Mike has made progress he is no where near fixed. but this is the one behavior I REALLY REALLY REALLY can't stand. He always feels horrible after but it doesn't change. I don't know how to make this one change. It is like the kid is brainless somedays I friggen swear.
ALl this over a friggen easter egg art project. GEEZ. His has no impulse control over frustrations.
Thanks though! Can you tell I am still pissed?
Can you give him a reminder if he is starting to wind up? You know, before the link between his brain and his mouth gets severed?
I am sure you have thought of that -of course, but I do remember my Da had this one Look that could stop any one of us in our tracks. If you kept mouthing off after The Look, there was trouble.
I actually have a photo of myself giving The Look to Peter when he was a toddler. It absolutely stunned me to see my dead Da's Look on my own face. Of course it didn't do a darn thing for Peter. I could stare at him until me eyes popped out and he would carry on regardless.
Ya know: I think I just answered my own question!
-Paula
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
I feel the frustration!
(((((Renee)))))
Tell Liam the Tigers are coming too! I am so glad. Looking forward to you guys.
Thanks guys for the support.
Paula, the "try again" is our cue when he starts getting upset or inappropriate and it does work. The biggest problem is he goes from 0-100 in 0 seconds. He skips the "rumbling" stage often. I took the egg to try and fix it because I saw it coming and that is one way I can usually help calm him first but the antecedent behavior lasted less than 5 to 10 seconds before total blow out.
Of course I get to look forward to a day or 2 of overly perfect boy. He always feels so bad after I get really mad that he over does being too nice.
Renee
Dear Renee,
I don't know what to say. Except that it was a huge adjustment to me to FEEL angry at my older son. Because things just arn't as provocative when they are younger. Now, he does piss me off sometimes. And I am wrecked with guilt; I feel like I'm mad at a kid with CP for not walking. But still, I'm entitled to how I feel about an interaction, aren't I? And I do want him to learn to take others feelings into account. But how long will it take him to learn that?
He has no clue about "the look." His brother has his own look right before attacking, and he never changes his taunting behavior for a look. For that matter, he can hardly describe his own feelings, let alone get that someone else has distinctly different feelings. I am really afraid for how that is going to play out in the next couple of years, and especially when he is in middle school.
Guess that was no help.
I hope you feel better. I'll send you a drink.
-Sidney
Barbara,
Actually one of Mike's biggest problems is that he doesn't recognize his own feelings never mind that of others. He had to be specifically taught how to recognize when he was starting to feel upset so he could do things to calm down. Big part of the reason he goes from 0=100 on the anger scale in no time. He is learning but it is not a mastered skill. Still doesn't make his behavior ok, kwim?
I have talked long to my therapist (who specializes in ASD about this) and it is totally appropriate to tell him I am angry and to be angry for a bit and make him sit in that feeling of my being mad at him. I used to feel really guilty about it because of his challenges. However, this is all part of his learning how his behavior affects others and how to deal with his own feelings and interactions. I stayed calm with him but he knew I was very angry and didn't want to talk with him. He learns better from open communication than from not. I have to be really concrete with him and I am the person he cares about most. This is an obvious thing so his being able to see how his behavior affects me does more to teach him the importance of appropriate behavior than lots of things.
BUT I was still very very pissed with him. fortunately I was having friends over tonight so that helped a lot. After they went home Mike again came up to apologize. He REAALY hates mom being mad at him. He is a mama's boy and very sensitive. I told him again why it made me angry and how he really needs to work on other ways to express his anger or to walk away and calm down. Yelling is not an appropriate way to deal with his behavior. It is such a huge concern. His outburst and behaviors are really the one big thing that are going to affect his ability to live independently and hold down a job. If he can't deal with frustrations and others he will not be able to keep a job (or stay out of jail) so it is a huge priority for me even if he is a bit uncomfortable learning the skill.
anyway, that was a bunch of rambling. lol
Renee
{{{{{RENEE}}}}}. I'm right there with you. Victor's on an emotional roller coaster that I'm ready to jump off right now. Our code word is "Exsqueeze me?" It's funny so it stops him in his track and then thinks. I don't know what's started this dump on Mom bit but I have even gone so far as to tell Victor that he needs to find other outlets to express his frustration and anger because his Daddy WILL NOT allow him to talk to any woman that way at all, much less his own mother. Dh has tried to instill the values that women are to be treated with respect and it starts with your mother. Now it's not been so easy because he's been deployed so often.
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